Friday Night Sketch War: Round Twelve

After last week's light battle, the warriors return with vengeance on their minds and blood on their hands. Three great armies amassed to vie for contested land. Who would prevail? Would any survive? Would any live to sing songs of the clash?

• Coyote led the charge atop a mighty warhorse, leading a terrible horde of hideous, slavering beasts hungry for flesh...
• Michael and his battalion of silent assassins crept behind their enemies and swung heavy iron implements...
• David used guile and deception to enter the field, then used explosives to finish the job.

A mindless eating machine, a wordless display, and architectural genius are on display this week.

The Cake is a Lie

I just saw an Instructable for the Greatest Cake Ever! The cake is a double-geek joke, with delicious frosting. It's a win-win-win.

FSW: Rachel Ray, $40 a Day

For the whiny little bitches - you know who you are - who are going to read this and say "you've never been with a real woman...you wouldn't know what to do...curves...hawt..." whatever. Rachel Ray's genetics are showing through. She's going to be a fat old Italian woman someday. Facts are facts. So what? I'm a fat dude, so imagine it's me dressed in drag for this sketch.

Also, I found a *great* parody sketch of RR when I was putting this together this evening. I needed to get the patter she uses to start off her show, so I went to YouTube. No luck finding a real opening to $40 a Day, but I did find this MadTV sketch. I stole the opening two sentences which sounded exactly the way I recall RR's opening. It feels weird to crib from another sketch instead of directly from the horse's mouth (yeah, I meant to say horse,) but you gotta do what you gotta do. Anyway, that's a great sketch which I recommend watching almost as much as I recommend reading mine.

Rachel Ray, $40 a Day

(Various shots of Rachel Ray - played by a fat man in a wig - in action, eating, eating some more, and eating still more. Opening graphics and music over. The credits end and we settle on our Rachel mid-screen wearing short-shorts and a bikini top with a sheer wrap over. The clothes look like they fit 30 pounds earlier. Or, perhaps when she still looked like a woman instead of a fat man in a wig.)

RACHEL
Hi everybody, I'm Rachel Ray! And this is '$40 a Day', the show where I travel to exotic locales and show you how to have great meals for little money. Today we're in one of my favorite places...Miami Beach! The great thing about Miami Beach is how relaxed everyone is.

(Camera pans around to show strollers, rollerbladers, lots of people in beach attire. As the camera pans back to Rachel, we see some people staring and pointing in disgust.)

RACHEL (CONT)
I'm starving, so let's go get some breakfast!

(Rachel waddles a few steps and stops in front of a restaurant. She leans over and puts her hand on the door frame to brace herself. She's winded. There's a chalkboard with specials right next to the door.)

RACHEL (CONT)
(Winded) This place, (looking around for the name) Miguel's, is a favorite with the locals, I'm sure. And these specials sound yum-o!

(Cut to Rachel sitting at a table with a menu and a cocktail in front of her. The cocktail is huge, fruity, and has an umbrella. But she's eaten the fruit, tossed aside the umbrella, and already drunk half of it. A waiter approaches.)

WAITER
Have you decided what you'd like?

RACHEL
Everything sounds so good...french toast, eggs benedict, machaca and eggs, oooh...fried plantains - delish! Okay, I'll have that.

WAITER
A side of fried plantains? Is that all?

RACHEL
Nooo. French toast, eggs benedict, machaca and eggs, AND the fried plantains. And (finishing her drink in one mighty gulp) this bitch is kicked. Bring me another of these.

(The waiter walks off fearfully as Rachel turns to the camera.)

RACHEL (CONT)
When you're traveling, you really want to find the unique little places that make a city special. Miami Beach is a melting pot of different cultures, and the Cuban influence is felt everywhere. Like in this drink.

(Waiter returns with two other waiters, all carrying loaded trays with Rachel's breakfast. They set the mass of food in front of her and she starts eating before the last plate is even in place. The second and third waiters hurry off. Most of the food ends up in her mouth, but there is a certain amount of spillover.)

WAITER
Can I bring you anything else? Some water, or another napkin perhaps?

RACHEL
(Speaking through food) No, I'm good for now. Thanks.

(Cut to the end of the meal. The plates are cleared, the food is gone. Two empty glasses are on the table, a third in Rachel's hand as she finishes off with a loud 'slurp' with the straw. As she puts the glass down, she notices a piece of bacon lodged between her breasts. She picks it out and eats it. The waiter returns with the check.)

RACHEL
Let's see how I did.

(Graphics of a check being tallied. The pre-tip total comes to $28 for food and $11 for drinks. Her tip of $1 brings her to a total of $40.)

RACHEL (CONT)
Oops! It looks like we've used up our whole budget for the day on breakfast. But that's okay, there's plenty for us to do here in good old Miami Beach, and who knows, maybe we'll figure out a way to squeeze lunch and dinner out of this day, anyway.

(Cut to Rachel waddling down the street away from the restaurant. Shouting is heard in the background and the camera pans around to see the waiter standing outside, waving the dollar tip.)

WAITER
I think you left this on the table, you cheap bleep.

RACHEL
Come on, I think we should get out of here. Right now! (Starts running, because fat guys in drag are funny when they run.)

(Cut to Rachel splashing around in the ocean. People are staring.
Cut to Rachel sitting on a bench. She's changed into a slightly less revealing, but equally inappropriate outfit, this time with a short skirt.)

RACHEL (CONT)
Oh boy! I'm famished! In the summertime when I was a kid, I'd go swimming at the lake near my Grandpa Manny's. And when I got out of the water, he'd always have a steaming bowl of soup and a sammie waiting for me. So now whenever I swim, I crave soup and a sammie. I've gotta figure out a way...

(An older, well-dressed man walks by.)

RACHEL (CONT)
Excuse me sir, have you got a second?

MAN
Sure. Hey, you're that Rachel Ray! My wife - rest her soul - used to watch your show all the time.

RACHEL
(Getting an idea) Your wife passed away. That's so sad. I'm sorry for your loss. I'll bet you've been really lonely...

MAN
Excuse me?

(The fat-man-in-a-wig Rachel starts aggressively flirting - sucking his fingers, touching his chest, pulling his skirt up to reveal more leg.)

RACHEL
I mean, since your wife's been gone. You have needs. I do too. I want soup. And I know what you want. Come on back to my hotel. I promise we'll be done in thirty minutes or less.

(The man runs away.)

RACHEL (CONT)
(Calling out in the distance) How 'bout you, sweet cheeks!?

(Cut to later. Rachel is still sitting on the bench, crying.)

RACHEL (CONT)
(Through the tears) I just can't take it anymore. My husband's cheating on me, Oprah won't return my calls, and I just want a bowl of soup and a sammie.

(Cut to Rachel crawling through a garbage dumpster, looking for food.)

RACHEL (CONT)
When you're on vacation, remember to take in the local color and customs. I hear that Miami Beach is famous for dumpster diving to find free food...

(Cut to Rachel standing on the sidewalk. It's night time. She looks like a girl who's been rejected for sex and eaten dumpster food.)

RACHEL (CONT)
I'm Rachel Ray and I'll see you next time on $40 a Day. (To child walking by with ice cream cone) Hey. Hey, kid, I'm talking to you! Can I have a lick off that?!

BLACKOUT

Towelhead Trailer

There's video above, FeedReader

Maybe I'm just overly optimistic, but this summer is shaping up to be the best movie season in a long, long time. I think that many years, and then am let down, but this years' crop of movies *really* looks good. And not just the tent poles (which are strong as ever this year.)

That crazy Zirkle!

Tony Zirkle: Racist, or dumb as Urkel?

Tony Zirkle, Republican candidate for 2nd District U.S. representative, said he is willing to talk to any group that invites him, and that's why he addressed a weekend gathering in Chicago of the American National Socialist Workers Party.

The occasion was a celebration of the 119th anniversary of the birth of Nazi leader Adolf Hitler.

Photos an ANSWP Web site show Zirkle at the podium in front of the larger-than-life portrait of Hitler, flanked by an American flag on one side and a Nazi flag on the other. Swastika banners hang on the wall, and other head-table guests are wearing swastika arm bands.

In his defense, Zirkle didn't know they were Nazis.

He also told WIMS radio in Michigan City that he didn't believe the event he attended included people necessarily of the Nazi mindset, pointing out the name isn't Nazi, but Nationalist Socialist Workers Party.

The festive decorations must have escaped his notice, as did the tearful, cheerful singing of "Happy Birthday" to the portrait of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.

via SteveG, whose take is hilarious

Pushing Daisies "Pielette" script

Received a happy package in the mail yesterday - two Dexter and two Pushing Daisies scripts. I read through "Pielette" and loved it as much as expected, though I'm glad a few things were changed by the time they shot, particularly the visible countdown clock every time Ned brought someone back to life. That would have really changed the overall tone

It was structured as six acts (which I'd heard, but seeing it on the page is a bit more definitive) with the first being ~18 pages and the other five being ~8 each. No teaser, no tag. For a non-shooting script, it had more shot descriptions than I'm used to seeing for TV, but they were used brilliantly, smoothing the segues between many of the scenes. I'm interested to see if that same style was used in "Dummy", particularly since Bryan Fuller didn't write that one (though who knows how much of a pass he gave it.)

The other interesting thing I took away from the script is that only a small bit of the humor comes directly from Ned and Chuck. I remember Chuck being funnier than she's reading here, and Ned getting more choice lines, but on the page they come off more cute than funny. Nice jobs from Anna Friel and Lee Pace to really flesh out their characters and give them obvious humor as part of their charms.

I'll read "Dummy" tonight, and then start breaking these bitches down. Scene counts, line counts per scene, types of act-outs, etc. I've got an interesting idea for an episode; now I just have to figure out how to make it come to life.

Oh, and because I thought of this a few minutes ago, here are short character descriptions that I think are apt:

• Chuck is the sweet, juicy, ripe fruit brought back to life to fill the pie.
• Ned is the bottom crust. Protected by a layer of caramelized sugar, he holds Chuck close, but never comes in contact. The browned sugar also adds a sweet bite to his plain nature.
• Emerson is the top crust. He's crusty, ya know? Plus, the man knit himself gun cozies. He's a little flaky.
• Olive is ice cream on the side. Sweet and rich, always yearning to be part *of* the pie.
• Aunt Vivian is whipped cream. Airy, ephemeral, fragile.
• Aunt Lily is a fork. Sharp, rigid, pointed.
  
• The Narrator is the plate on which everything else rests. He is stability. He's also got a picture of a dog chasing its own tail and a big chip on the rim. He's one-of-a-kind and just a little bit off.
  

She must give a mighty good blowjob

So sad. Remember just two days ago I was cautiously optimistic about The Spirit? Well, all optimism is now out the window. I might see it on DVD, but I'm *certainly* not going to pay good money to see it in a theater. All I had to do was check the cast list, but it honestly never occurred to me that anyone would be so stupid as to cast this poorly again.

Meet your Sand Seref.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Quick thoughts:

• Mila Kunis. When the hell did she become gorgeous and sweet instead of vapid and annoying? Crap. I want to date Meg Griffin now.
  
• If someone can convince Steve Whitmire to stop doing his shitty Kermit voice, the next Muppet movie is going to rock*.

Saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall this afternoon and was really impressed with the confidence of Jason Segal's screenplay and performance. Well, it's not like I was surprised at all by his performance; I know he's fearless. I just didn't know he'd be that sure and confident in his first screenplay out of the gate.

This was the best movie out of the Apatow factory since 40 Year Old Virgin, no exaggeration. Funny, sweet, and honest from the first frame to the last. Segal wrote several of the songs in the film as well, and that bodes really well for his upcoming Muppet flick. I'm not sure he's got a "Rainbow Connection" in him, but competent, singable songs would be good enough for me. Also? I think he's going to find a way to move Count Count to the big screen. I just sense it.

---

*Seriously. Go to any open mike night and odds are you can find a half-dozen comics who do better Kermits (and Ernies, etc.) than Whitmire. Either he needs to call it a day, or Brian and Lisa Henson need to shelve their old man's characters.

"The 'so-called' Supreme Court can suck my balls."

There's video above, FeedReader

Have I mentioned my crush on Amy Poehler? She's just so damn funny! This looks like a silly, over-the-top, dumb, and funny evening at the movies.

Rock me, sexy Jesus!

The Spirit Teaser

There's video above, FeedReader

Hard to tell much from this teaser, especially as I was ready to see B&W with only the odd saturated color. That look served Frank Miller well in Sin City (both on film and in his original sequential), and it's certainly a valid choice for Eisner's Spirit.

I'm reserving judgment until I see more. This isn't as high on my must-see list for next year as Watchmen, but I'm hoping for it to be a winner.

TV Critic Follies

Why do I like Sepinwall? Well, for one he's a damn fine critic who has similar tastes to mine. For two, he wouldn't make an ignorant mistake like this one from Mary McNamara of the LA Times from this piece about the end of HBO's John Adams.

George Washington (David Morse) so quickly tired of the infighting among his Cabinet and vagaries of public opinion that he stepped down from the presidency after a single term. "I know now what it is like to be disliked," he says to Adams, his perpetually disliked vice president (emphasis mine).

I mean, I know she just has to cover TV, but didn't she go to school at some point? Oh, wait. She's probably a product of the California public school system. Post Prop 13. I've met those people. Hell, a young enough person who'd gotten a California education would be hard pressed to name the first and second US Presidents, so I should be impressed McNamara got some of this right.

Super Cally Frak-a-listic!

She blasted Boomer
Who's now got Stockwell syndrome
Spaced, her whining ends

Friday Night Sketch War: Round Eleven

This week was a light one. Three scouts met while surveying a potential battlefield and got into a fight with non-lethal ordinance.

• Coyote threw wiffle balls at the others...
• Michael blew spitballs...
• Red sprayed foam...

This week we've got Pyrotechnic Parties, Camping Trips, and Tortured Artistes.

And if you get a chance, stop by David's joint and wish him well finding the other half of his ass.

FSW: Party Planners

Allow me to preface this sketch with a preemptive "meh". High concept, but it really goes nowhere. Not without a multi-million dollar budget to make it all happen, at least. Hmm...

Party Planners
(A large number of people fill a cavernous hall, dressed formally. The lights go down, and crossing, moving spots cut through the darkness. Just off center, a man with clipboard and walkie-talkie stands ready.)

EMCEE (O.S.)
(Deafening) Ladies and gentleman, put your hands together and welcome Mr. and Mrs. David Fagin for their first dance as a married couple!

MICHAEL
(Into walkie-talkie) We're go for pyro!

(Flames shoot out of the top of the wedding cake. Fireworks go off in the background. The bride and groom walk through the smoke and flames to the center of the dance floor.)

MICHAEL
(Into walkie-talkie) Bring it home, people!

(The fireworks display becomes more intense as Aerosmith begins to play at high volume. The newlyweds begin to dance.)

MICHAEL
(Into walkie-talkie) Great work, everyone. (Turning to camera) Hi. I'm Michael Bay. For years I've worked in Hollywood making movies and making millions. But now, I've decided to branch out. So if you'd like your next wedding, sweet sixteen, or Bar Mitzvah to be a real blockbuster, call Michael Bay's Party Planners!

(Cut to Michael in the lobby of a small office. He's standing in front of reception, where a sexy young woman sits busily answering phones.)

TRIXIE
(Answering phone) Michael Bay's Party Planners. How may I help you today?

MICHAEL
Here at MBPP we cater to your every need from the moment you first walk in. Take Trixie over here. Pretty easy on they eyes, right fellas? I spent months working with the best casting directors in town to trying to find the perfect mix of sex appeal and girl next door. But once Trixie walked through the door, we knew we had our receptionist. That same attention to detail is what sets MBPP parties apart. Whether you want Scarlett Johansson to jump out of your wedding cake, Sean Connery to give you away or Ben Affleck to check coats, we can deliver. Let's meet some of the wizards who make it all happen.

(Camera follows Michael as he walks through a door and into the warehouse-sized back of the building. Sparks are flying from someone welding in the distance, people working everywhere, and a VW Bug in the foreground. Michael walks up to Rick and Stacy who are sitting at a small table.)

MICHAEL
This is Stacy Lavelle. She's in charge of pyrotechnics at MBPP. Stacy, why don't you tell us what you're working on here?

STACY
We're making flashpots for the Rosencrantz/Guildenstern wedding. There's going to be a lot of noise and a lot of smoke.

MICHAEL
Fantastic! What's the theme?

STACY
Rick?

RICK
The bride's father passed away recently, so we're going to make it look like his ghost has returned to walk her down the aisle. First we're killing all the lights, then the flashpots go off, and then we're projecting images of him on a scrim. We'll play a recording of his voice, as well. The bride will never expect it!

MICHAEL
Sounds great! I'll let you guys get back to work.

(To camera) As you can see, we take our jobs very seriously here at MBPP. We want to make sure your party is bigger, louder, and more exciting than any party before. Here's Todd McElroy, our demo expert. Todd? What are you working on?

TODD
The finale of the Sussman Sweet 16. Chloe wants a BMW convertible and of course her father's bought her one. But we've decided to bring in this new Bug instead as a joke. She'll obviously be upset and angry, and just when her tantrum reaches its peak, our stunt driver speeds in with her BMW and shoots the Bug with this fake rocket launcher. We blow a charge under the Bug and it should flip over three times before ending upside down. Then we cue fireworks.

MICHAEL
That sounds awesome, Todd. You've been with me for a long time. How is party planning different from the movies?

TODD
Well, I can't fall back on CGI so much, so it's made me relearn some of the old ways of doing things. Otherwise, it's about the same. I mean, movies and parties are all about the same thing, right? Bombs, crashes, and rolling fire.

MICHAEL
Truer words were never spoken. Thanks, Todd.

(To camera) I hope you've enjoyed your behind the scenes look at Michael Bay's Party Planners and want to choose us for your next party. At MBPP, no party is too big for us to handle, though many are too small. If you're looking for an intimate affair with just close friends and family, try someone else. But if you want the rockin'est party ever, give us a call.

(BLACKOUT)

Aliza Shvarts: Crappy artist, brilliant marketer, or both?

Charlie Stross and Warren Ellis are both defending Aliza Shvarts as an artist, saying she's obviously faking.
Stross:

...the most inspired publicity-stunt debut in the art world since Damien Hirst unleashed himself with a display of freeze-dried aborted foetuses as earrings in the mid-1980s.

Ellis:

My money says the physical “art” doesn’t exist, not as described. I mean, I’m open to being wrong. But right now, I think the press release itself is the art piece. In fact, I would imagine any final presentation would be a collation of the media responses to the press release, broadcast as it was during a visit from the Pope to her country of residence. She’s going to be hoping someone sticks the PR in front of scary old Ratzinger.

(And if there is a physical piece, I bet you it turns out to be food colouring, latex and bits of chicken. I mean, use your heads.)

Okay, so let's say that's true for a minute. Let's in fact, review the possibilities here:

• Shvarts is pulling a PR stunt and framing the reactions as art...
• Shvarts self-aborted several times over a nine month period and will be displaying the results

The latter is several things: physically difficult (it's hard to impregnate *that* easily) and physically taxing; disgusting on many levels, though it is her body to abuse as it pleases her; while not derivative, not wholly original, either. If true, she's a sad excuse for an artist with severe emotional problems.

What of the former? What of the "most inspired publicity-stunt debut" since the 80s? Really? That's art now? First off, it's derivative of several conceptual artists. Secondly? It's derivative of every fucking April Fools website ever created. If all it takes to make it in today's art world is the ability to Punk people, than Aliza Shvarts is a piker compared to Ashton Kutcher.

Personally, I hope Shvarts is a true (if untalented) artist in need of serious psycho-pharmacological help. While I'd be disgusted, I could at least respect that. If instead, her piece is just a massive scam intended to produce vitriolic reactions, she's got a long career ahead of her in PR. Maybe when she graduates, she can get a job as a publicity flack for Tom Cruise.

Oh, who am I kidding. Some jackhole art critics, sorry "art" critics, will proclaim her a genius and she'll have a long and lucrative career.

Update: So it turns out Aliza Shvarts is just a future crappy PR flack.

Disturbing. Disgusting. Dismal.

I've tried three different times to frame this story out of Yale and three different times I've deleted what I've written. Art is dead.

Beginning next Tuesday, Shvarts will be displaying her senior art project, a documentation of a nine-month process during which she artificially inseminated herself “as often as possible” while periodically taking abortifacient drugs to induce miscarriages. Her exhibition will feature video recordings of these forced miscarriages as well as preserved collections of the blood from the process.

via Warren Ellis (and I think this might even have shocked him a bit)

Test post from within Facebook

Of the two social communities, only one gives me seizures when I view its pages. Facebook is far too cutesy for my tastes, but at least it's better than seizures. Of course, if the tools administering the place would get around to authorizing my name change that would be nicer still.

This, very boring post, is a test from within Facebook using a new app. Why? 'Cause I'm bored this morning and wanted to try a new app, that's why.

Vote for your favorite Bad Ass

Mike and Jason over at Pop Critics are running a Bad Ass Bracket right now. Head on over and cast your votes for the likes of Chuck Norris, Jason Bourne, Jack Bauer, and James T. Kirk.

The second regional bracket - the Chuck Norris Bracket - is up today right here, and the first regional - the Jack Bauer Bracket - can be found here. Show your love for the badasses. And stay awhile too. The guys kick their asses to keep a steady stream of film and TV news flowing through the site each day.

Friday Night Sketch War: Round Ten

Oh, the humanity!

Three score and three days ago Michael and I brought forth on this internet a new challenge, conceived in Comedy, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created funny.

Now we are engaged in a great comic war, testing whether that challenge, or any challenge, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that challenge might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate - we can not consecrate - we can not hallow - this web. The brave men and women, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here...

• Red led a cavalry charge into the thickets early...
• Coyote performed valiant but futile battlefield surgery on the wounded...
• Michael schemed and planned and plotted and napped through it all...
• David surveyed the great loss of life and limb from high above.

This week we've got babes in naves, doctors on telly, great warriors felled by beautiful maidens, and a little man in a boat.

If you feel my usage of this great speech for such a trivial adventure was sacrilegious, please go here to see it in its intended glory here.

FSW: Five for Health: Homemade Drugs

This one's a bit different. Most of you reading this should (hopefully) note a passing similarity to a certain television doctor and insane performer. This sketch had originally been intended as part of a C-story for a spec, but I've never been happy with my plans for the A-story and have put that spec on a back burner. I never wrote this bit out, but had a good chunk of it in my head and figured I might as well put it to use. Hope y'all enjoy.

Five for Health: Homemade Drugs
(Dr. Cyrill O'Syban stands behind a lab bench wearing a white coat and goggles. There are beakers, test tubes, and a bunsen burner on the bench.)

CYRILL
Hi. I'm Dr. Cyrill O'Syban. I'm a working physician with a degree from the Bangalore School of Medicine. If you're like most people, then you're tired of making pharmaceutical fatcats rich just to stop your headache or cure your hangover. I'm here today to show you how to make your own perfectly safe alternatives in your own kitchen or garage.

(Cut to animated credits which play with upbeat music over. We see an animated caricature of Dr. Cyrill O'Syban in white coat performing various tasks with quick cuts and wipes from action to action:
- taking a red-faced, sweaty patient's temperature; the mercury thermometer explodes
- performing the Heimlich in a restaurant on a very fat man; a huge meatball flies out of his mouth
- using a defibrillator on a patient; he lives
- handing a lollipop to a small girl; she smiles and shoots rainbows out her eyes
Animated Cyrill turns to the camera.)

ANIMATED CYRILL
I went to medical school, so you don't have to.

(Cut to the real Cyrill. The final strains of the theme music finish and the titles read "FIVE FOR HEALTH WITH DR. CY")

CYRILL
Nothing is more of a drag then seasonal allergies. This first home brew will cut right through that foggy head. We start with some over the counter allergy pills.

(During the following dialog, Cyrill takes some pills out of a box and crushes them into a beaker, then with gloves and tongs he pours from a bottle into the beaker. Smoke pours out.)

CYRILL
Take those out of the package and crush them up into a microwave safe container. Now carefully pour some bleach in and stir. What you want to see are small crystals just starting to form.

DIRECTOR
Cut! Cut! What the hell...are you making crystal meth? You can't do that on television!

CYRILL
No, it's fine. It's just for allergies. It's perfectly safe.

DIRECTOR
If it's just for allergies, why don't you just tell them to take the allergy pills?

CYRILL
This is much faster acting and lasts twice as long. It's because the anti-allergy chemicals get to the source faster when you smoke them.

DIRECTOR
No! Skip this one. What else have you got?

CYRILL
A mixture of cough syrup, tang, and goat's milk.

DIRECTOR
What's that for?

CYRILL
You put two drops in each eye and you can stay up for 72 hours. That's how I got through finals at good old Bang U.

JACKSON (O.S.)
No, no, no. You can't make the Hedgehog on TV!

(Jackson Tyler enters with his entourage in tow. He's wearing a retro jersey, white kicks, jeans, and a lot of bling.)

CYRILL
Hello, Jackson. What are you doing here?

JACKSON
Shooting a video for my new song, "Bernanke's a Bitch". Subprime crisis is killing my portfolio!

ENTOURAGE MEMBER #1
Word.

JACKSON
Heard you were here and thought I'd see if our package came in from Brazil yet. But then I saw what you were doing! Cops'll shut you down if you make that on TV.

CYRILL
It never occurred to me. I guess I'll just cut that one out, too.

JACKSON
What else you got, Cyrill O'Syban?

CYRILL
Ground up walnuts, ammonia, listerine, and lime je--

JACKSON
--British Navy. No way.

CYRILL
A tea made from oregano, thyme, brake dust, and nose hairs--

JACKSON
--Toon pang! Nope.

CYRILL
Crushed D-cell batteries, "Sanford and Son" on Betamax--

JACKSON
--Root beer?

CYRILL
Sprite.

JACKSON
That's even worse! That stuff will mess you up! I had a cousin got hooked on "Lizbeth" and now she just chews her toenails and watches "Ellen" all day. She voted for George Bush! Twice.

CYRILL
I, I just didn't know Tyler. So what do you think I should do for today's segment?

(Cut to Cyrill sitting behind a desk.)

CYRILL
Today on "Five for Health" we're going to discuss the health benefits of oral sex. So start your TiVos now, ladies!

BLACKOUT

Repo Trailer

There's video above, FeedReader.

I posted a gunky, camcorder-pirated version of this a while back. Here it is in all its gory glory. I'm pretty damn sure I'm not going to see Repo! The Genetic Opera in a theater (unless reviews are better than I expect,) but I'll definitely rent it for ASH and Paul Sorvino singing on the big screen.

Alamo Futility

Target, large and still
Hovering scant feet distant.
Bend. Extend. Clank. End.

Yes, I know. It's a fanfic contest. Don't ask.

Hi guys! Between Season 1 and Season 2 of Buffy Between the Lines we have a couple months off, but we didn't want our fans to be wanting so we've devised the first Buffy Between the Lines fanfic contest! All accepted submissions will be recorded and featured on the Buffy Between the Lines podcast and the winner will receive a SIGNED copy of "Infected" by Scott Sigler, as well as a limited edition SugarShock poster and some other goodies we have tucked away in the Between the Lines Studios vault.

If you're interested in participating here's the rules:

1. Fanfic must be based on Buffy Between the Lines Season 1 and remain true to the TV and audio drama (this rules out non-canonical pairings and AU, we'll save that for the April Fool's episodes)


2. Fanfic must not be posted elsewhere until after the contest.


3. Fanfic must be between 1,500 - 3,000 words and must have a clear story (beginning, middle/climax, end)


4. Entries must be received by May 10th, 2008. Winner will be announced at the start of Season 2 (in August).


5. Please email your entry to buffybetweenthelines[at]gmail.com with "Fanfic Contest Submission" as the subject line. Entries can be within the email or attached text/Word files. Please no .docx files.
   

Winner will be judged on originality, writing skills, capturing the voices of the characters and general "awesomeness". Please make sure your entry has been proofed before submitting. If you need a beta reader check out: http://community.livejournal.com/beta_search

Friday Night Sketch War: Round Nine

We've got an interesting battle this week. Back from the brink of doom (probably after making a Mephistophelian deal) Michael is firing on all cylinders. Red's got a new home on the web, but didn't join in the festivities. David channeled his inner Sondheim. It was a slugfest out there today...

• Michael launched an early salvo on Thursday, setting off EM devices in the atmo...
• Coyote scrambled bombers out of a secret Antarctic base while Crystal Palace struggled to come back online...
• Michael fired rail guns from orbit, leveling Cleveland and Minsk...
• David launched every missile out of every attack-hardened silo, leaving the Earth a smoking cinder.

There was a lot of pain, crying, and gnashing of teeth today. We lost a lot of good people (and a lot of deadwood too...nukes and railguns are indiscriminate.) Hapkido, shotguns, fisticuffs, and song were the weapons of choice this week, my good readers. Go forth and be amused.

FSW: Barista Blues

Barista Blues
(Meg and Dex stand behind the counter of an upscale coffee house. He: late 20s, detached and jaded hipster. She: 18, fresh-faced, straight from the farmland. Dex is showing Meg how the brewing equipment works.)

MEG
It's not a lot different from the one back at the Starbucks in Grover's Corners. I should be able to run it. Thanks, Dex. I'm so excited!

DEX
It's not that exciting. You brew, you steam, you move them along.

MEG
I don't mean that! I mean I've only been in LA three days and I've already got a great job! My parents said I'd end up broke and have to come home and become a dental hygienist, but now I won't have to.

DEX
I wouldn't call this a great job.

MEG
But it is! Six days from six to two leaves me plenty of time to audition, and find a place to perform. Plus when Sol hired me he said I'd get to sing on the stage here, too!

DEX
(Laughing to himself) I remember that. By the time you get out of here, you won't have the energy left to do much of anything. Besides, with what Sol pays you, you'll end up taking extra shifts just to afford Ramen. And singing on that little stage over there...it's just more scut work.

MEG
You're a gloomy gus, aren't you!

DEX
I'm opening up. Get ready.

(Dex goes to the door and opens it up. A small line of movers and shakers has already formed. Each and everyone tapping furiously on his Blackberry or talking fervently on her Bluetooth. First in line is a smarmy, slimy man. Pretty much like everyone in line who isn't a smarmy, slimy woman.)

MEG
Good Morning! What can I get for you today?

ARI
(Looking up and seeing fresh meat) Well, good morning princess. I'm Ari. Here's my card. Call me sometime. I'd love to represent you.

(Meg takes the card and beams broadly. She holds it up and glances at Dex who shakes his head in bemusement.)

MEG
I will call you, thank you! I'm an actress, and a singer-songwriter, and a --

ARI
-- that's great, babe. Tell it to my assistant when you call, okay?

MEG
Yes, sir! What can I get for you today?

ARI
I'll have the usual, babe.

(Ari smiles to himself at his unoriginal and unclever joke. Meg starts cackling in earnest.)

MEG
Wow! You're funny!

ARI
Just make it a large coffee.

(Meg pours and hands the coffee over to Ari, who then moves to the register to pay. Slimeball steps up.)

SLIMEBALL
I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf...with a twist of lemon.

(Slimeball waits expectantly...and Meg laughs.)

MEG
Oh, I love that movie! That's great!

SLIMEBALL
Maybe you'd like to watch it with me sometime. Here's my card. Call me. I'm an agent.

MEG
Thanks! Oh, I've got to go in back to get a lemon. I'll just be one --

SLIMEBALL
-- Actually, I'll just have a large coffee.

(Meg pours his coffee and hands it over. Sleazebag steps up.)

SLEAZEBAG
(Smiling to himself) I'll have the usual.

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS UP
(It's later the same day, Meg's hair is messed and there are coffee stains on her shirt. She looks harried. D-Bag steps up to the counter.)

D-BAG
I'll have the usual.

(Meg shows teeth, but it's not a smile. Dex comes over to Meg.)

DEX
I'll take this one. Sol wants some music.

MEG
(Cheered up immediately) That's great! To tell you the truth, I could use the break. I have some great new songs I've been working on, too.

DEX
Didn't Sol tell you? You're just supposed to play that song "Bad Day". Maybe some John Mayer when he's in the mood, but that rarely happens.

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS UP
(Some time has passed. Meg's hair is spiky and parti-colored and she's got a tattoo showing on her upper arm. She's sleeveless now, and in general looks a bit skankier. She's showing the tat to Dex.)

MEG
It hurt a lot. They don't tell you that. But it's pretty cool, don't you think?

DEX
It's nice.

MEG
I can't wait till my friends back home see this! They'll flip!

DEX
How was your audition on Friday?

MEG
I didn't get the part. I don't get it. There are movies and plays and TV shows all over, but there aren't that many auditions.

(Dex smiles to himself.)

MEG
Oh, I've gotta tell you! Last night at the club --

DEX
-- that karaoke bar out in the valley?

MEG
Yeah. So anyway, I was DJ-ing and this group of really hot girls and guys came in and sang. One of the girls had this amazing voice and I asked her if she sang professionally. She just laughed and said it didn't pay enough. (Stage whispers to Dex) She told me she did porn! Can you believe it?

(Slimeball walks up with a few people behind him.)

SLIMEBALL
Hey, babe! How ya doing? You're looking good today.

MEG
Oh, hey. Large coffee?

SLIMEBALL
Nah. I think I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf --

MEG
-- with a twist of lemon?

SLIMEBALL
Heh! You caught me. Actually, how about I get you something? Dinner?

MEG
Oh, I don't know. I really shouldn't. We're not supposed to date the customers.

(The people in line begin to grumble. Their very busy, very important lives are being put on hold with this inane chatter. Meg goes ahead and pours him a large coffee.)

SLIMEBALL
Well, I'll keep asking anyway.

DEX
Meg, Sol wants another set.

(Meg sighs deeply, grabs her guitar and heads for the stage. As the lights fade, we hear the opening bars of "Bad Day".)

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS UP
(Meg's now got a full sleeve tat, a lip and two eye piercings, and a tat around her navel. She's sleeveless and cropped. Slimeball is at the front of the line.)

SLIMEBALL
(Quietly, looking down) Large coffee please.

MEG
(Glaring...then finally exploding) You could have at least called me the next day! You said you'd call! Jesus. Damn it, you could at least look me in the eyes when you order your coffee!

(Meg pours his coffee and slams it down on the counter. Slimeball slinks away to pay and the next customer steps up.)

MEGADOUCHE
Hello! I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf...with a twist of lemon!

(Meg screams, reaches below the counter, comes up with a shotgun and shoots him. Silence and stillness for a few seconds.)

DEX
I'll clean that up. Sol wants you to do a set.

BLACKOUT

Number 9, Number 9, Number 9

It's 10 o'clock on Thursday night and I've got a bitch of a headache. I've got no clue what sketch to write for tomorrow and realize I set the bar ridiculously high after last week. And, I'm in a shite mood.

So in case I fail miserably at my appointed task, here's Mike Gravel doing the funniest thing I've seen this week.


There's video above, FeedReader.

Sometimes even open mikes catch funny

There's video above, FeedReader.
Friend of the blog SteveG recently performed at his first open mike night. As it was in Baltimore, I couldn't go. The Wire makes that place look scary, John Waters makes it look seedy, and you know...it's 2K miles away. However, there's video.

From earlier descriptions of the evening, here and here, not all the performers had such good stage presence and solid routines. Enjoy this one, though.