HE probably didn't whisper "I am the Lord your God"

Quick table-setting: I'm an atheist, born of a lapsed Catholic father and a Jewish mother who eats bacon. So get where I stand. Now, some would argue I'm an agnostic, because if irrefutable evidence of God's existence were presented to me I would accept it, but since I *know* that's not going to happen I stick with full disbelief.

I am a Jew who does not believe in God.

Not a half-Jew, not a Catholic, and not a secular atheist. I'm a Jew. My disbelief is colored in certain ways, and if that aforementioned evidence were ever to be presented to me, it would make me believe in YHWH in all his majesty, power, petulance, and arrogance. Not some mealy-mouthed softie, afraid to meddle in the affairs of man.

So when I see something like this (offered without context or finger pointing because I'm not looking to make someone feel bad:)

...it comes from the bottom up, as God worked the change in our lives. He didn't come down in a shower of glory and light and fun pyrotechnics to capture our attention...

He came as low as he could get, fit himself into a peasant boy, basically, and worked with the most hopeless people at their level.

Uh, no. Read the *whole* bible next time you pick it up. Not just the stuff written in the four hundred years after the death of Jesus, but the part that the rest of us believe, Jews and Muslims as well as Christians.

• He came with fire and brimstone and destroyed the cities on the plain.
• He came with anger at man's arrogance to build a tower to heaven and destroyed it, scattering and confusing the languages of the world.
• He came with wicked vengeance on Pharaoh, sending plague after plague after plague on his people and burying his army beneath the waters of the Red Sea.
• He came with a flood that destroyed the world.

Look, I don't know who y'all's god is, but this is the one I was taught about. So do NOT tell me he wouldn't use pyro-GODDAMN-technics to capture attention!

Talk to the bunny's hand!

Two days ago we celebrated the day when my peeps killed your lord. He was a damn rabble rouser, and we're renown for rejecting rousers of rabble. He seemed like a nice enough fella, but just wouldn't stop talking about the kingdom of heaven right in front of the centurions. Bad move, Nazarene. So we offed him. Technically, we outsourced it to the Italians and they executed the contract. Then they poured themselves a nice espresso and lounged about, waiting 1900 years for a damn train to show up.

Today - two days later - y'all get to stick it to my peeps (the first of many times throughout the intervening millennia filled with pogroms, inquisitions, and temptations) by celebrating the rebirth of your lord three days after his death. Two thoughts on this: first off, this is why you want a Jewish accountant; and this is why I don't support outsourcing. If Caiaphas had sacked up and done the deed himself, the dead might have stayed dead.

Anyway, this is as good a day as any to find your Jewish friends (not as essential as black friends, but you know you've got one or two around to defend you in court or treat your high cholesterol) and say "nyah nyah nyah!" That's how it was in my house growing up.

On Good Friday, pops would silently enjoy his salmon while moms was chowing down on a juicy steak. Between bites, she'd taunt him with peals of laughter and reminders that his lord was dead and gone. Come Sunday, while overindulging on chocolate, pops would blurt out "in your face" and "talk to the bunny's hand!"

Inbred Bible Thumpers

There's video above, FeedReader

First off, I wouldn't watch the video above unless you have a very, very strong stomach. It's Fred Phelps' Westboro Baptist Church doing a music video. Very disgusting people, very disgusting song.

Now, I'm not allowed to refine castor beans and use them on these people because why? And where the FUCK is CPS to take the children away from these monsters?

via Warren Ellis

Pakistani Lovemaking

You know how you can tell Benazir Bhutto is coming back to Pakistan? Because someone landed on the blog with this search.

I have no idea why.

(Note: The above image may or may not be of the lovely Ms. Bhutto at some point in her life. There is a great deal of debate on the web about it, since it's possible some nutcase, hardline Muslim found a lookalike and put the picture out there to discredit her. If there's any doubt that Islam is backwards, it's the fact that a milfy shot like the one above could count against a candidate for office. Morons.)

Too much gentle gentile sex

There's video above, FeedReader
Poor Annie. It's clear the poor dear has only ever had sex with goyim. If she'd ever been fucked by a Jew, she'd know we've already been perfected.

Druze out in Space

Wow. This is a fascinating profile of a Druze working on his doctoral dissertation in Germany. A great piece about the fluidity of identity.

Samuel Schidem, one of the guides [in Berlin's Jewish Museum] for Hebrew-speaking groups, chose to do his job in such a way as to "remove visitors from their Israeliness and make them think a little differently." Schidem shakes up the Israelis' regular thought patterns through their attempts to guess and catalog his identity.

"Some of them think I'm Yemenite or Moroccan, or maybe that I come from South America. At the end of the tour someone always asks where I'm from and where I learned Hebrew. I say that I'm an Israeli. And then immediately I get, 'From where in Israel?' and I say, 'From Usfiya.' And then there's a bit of shock, and right after that they get all excited. But I don't tell them at the beginning, because then they wouldn't listen to me the same way during the tour."

WILMA!!!!!

Cletus Was down to the Wal*Mart t'other mornin' and I seen one o' them New York Lib'rals.
Jethro How could ya tell?
Cletus He washed his hands after pissin'. So I ask LuAnne what he's doin' here in Petersburg, and she tells me he was visitin' the Creation Museum.
Jethro The Creation Museum! But that ain't open yet!
Cletus That's what I tells LuAnne. She heard he's writin' a story 'bout it for the New York Times. (they both spit)
Jethro It'll be a buncha New York Lib'ral lies. Here. Help me skin this possum. I gotta hankerin' for some stew.

Sure enough, Edward Rothstein's piece in the Times is filled with lies and insults to true believers.

Two prehistoric children play near a burbling waterfall, thoroughly at home in the natural world. Dinosaurs cavort nearby, their animatronic mechanisms turning them into alluring companions, their gaping mouths seeming not threatening, but almost welcoming, as an Apatosaurus munches on leaves a few yards away.

Prehistoric? Ain't nothin' prehistoric about it. It's all in the good book, right from Day 1 of Creation.

I could write more realistic dialog, with better visual dialect cues, but why? Educated at Oxford, or in Oxford, Mississippi, a creationist is still no smarter than pocket lint. She might speak more eloquently or get elected to school boards, but is still a deluded, simple fool. Here's a link to their fellow travelers.

Hitchens: How I Hate to Love Thee

It's a little muffled there at the end, but this line kills:
"If you gave Falwell an enema, he'd be buried in a matchbox."

The sky seems bluer today, doesn't it?

BYE BYE!

Watch out for that croco-duck!

Interesting. I knew Kirk Cameron was a crazy person, but I thought he was at least a passable child actor back in the day. I mean, Mike Seaver was painfully stupid; it takes a lot of effort to play down that far. Just look at the quality of actor it's taken to play Lennie in the two theatrical releases of Of Mice and Men: Lon Chaney, Jr. might best be remembered for the old Universal horror-fests, but he was quite an accomplished thespian; and I think John Malkovich's oeuvre speaks for itself.

Now, I realize he was just being himself.

My goodness, he's a moron. But hey, don't take my word for it. See for yourself.

Slate's Troy Patterson hoped for some revelations, but felt quite let down.

In Cameron's introductory remarks at the debate - which can be seen at something like its full and numbing length at abcnews.go.com - he coolly claimed that "the existence of God can be proven 100 percent, absolutely without the use of faith." First, I grew excited at this promise, then began to wonder why no theologian, philosopher, or sitcom star in recorded history had done it before - Thomas Aquinas, Immanuel Kant, Tina Yothers, whoever - and realized I was in for a letdown.

When he is risen, he's going to want bacon and coffee

Now, just in time for the Abominable Bunny to show up with a Chocolate Jesus (available in milk, dark, and white chocolate for ye of differing race) for each good girl and boy, and okra to leave in the shoes of the bad little children (or whatever it is those wacky xtians do when they should have been eating matzo and bitter herbs), here comes my thumbnail review of Christopher Moore's blasphemous little tome. I know. The interwebs are a-crackle with the excitement.

I hadn't read any Moore before, and only picked this up on a recommendation.¹ After slogging through Alfred Appel's wearying, soul-crushing, pleasure-draining annotations of Lolita², I wanted a light, fun lunch read. Can't get much more fun than the life and death of Jesus, right? At least as told by Levi who is called Biff.

Now, I'm a lot of things. As David Cross would say, 'cause my mom's vagina is Jewish, I'm Jewish. I'm also an atheist. I'm a cold, scientific rationalist. I'm also considering becoming a Comedist. One thing I am not is spiritual. I don't believe in god, gods, or God and have never really understood why others do. I've got no empty space in my psyche to be filled, and no fear of the great nothingness that comes after our short wicks flicker out. Sucks that good people suffer and the evil thrive, and it sucks that those good people have to die, but I don't need to believe in an afterlife, or reincarnation, or nirvana³ to get me through the day. Of course, it doesn't help that the Big 3 western religions are preached by and about the unfunny and self-righteous.

Where's the self-mockery? Where's the irony? Where's the awareness of life's great jokes?

If Christ were like Moore writes him (and if his best friend really had created sarcasm) it would be a much easier sell.

With a great heart (and clear faith in the divinity of his subject) Moore presents Jesus (Joshua) from a small boy reviving a dead lizard - so his little brother can repeatedly off it - to the moment of his death on the cross. This is the Gospel of Biff - nicknamed for a "slang word for a smack upside the head" - who accompanies Josh on his quest for knowledge and wisdom in the east, in order to learn to be the messiah to his people. Best friends from childhood, Biff's primary role is "to teach him to be human."

Chinese food on Josh's birthday (still a Jewish tradition), the study of Jew Do, and clever biblical references made me laugh aloud many times while reading. I was also shocked by how moved I was by the very pure love and devotion Biff felt for Joshua and the agony over his failure to alter his fate. The bittersweet love triangle between the two friends and Maggie (Mary of Magdala) adds a third color to the palette. Eros, philia, and agape are intertwined and intermixed in varying degrees throughout, making this a great love story. Plus...an elephant learns yoga, there are Chinese concubines, and Biff invents the latte.

A Douglas Adams-like comedy that made my throat tighten a few times? With Chinese concubines??? A perfect book for the spring.

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¹ Shockingly, the recommendation came from a waiter at a restaurant I used to frequent (out of business, sadly). Normally, I'd be a super-snob and skip a rec like that, but it came after a decent, short discussion about what I was reading at the time and I figured I'd take a bit of a flyer.
² At the end of which, I wasn't even able to fashion a review as short and shallow as the current one. Suffice it to say that Appel ruined Lolita for me. I hope I can go back to it in a few years without the annoying, endless commentary and find some pleasure in Nabokov's linguistic acrobatics.
³ Or Pearl Jam.

70 Million Critics Have Not Seen This Movie

Wow. Common ground between the American Religious Right and the (wo)man on the street in Iran. Both groups are apparently lazy and stupid enough to denounce things they've never seen.

Agreeing that 300 is egregious drivel is fairly easy. I'm relatively mellow as Iranian nationalists go, and even I found myself applauding when the government spokesman described the film as fabrication and insult. Iranians view the Achaemenid empire as a particularly noble page in their history and cannot understand why it has been singled out for such shoddy cinematic treatment, as the populace here perceives it, with the Persians in rags and its Great King practically naked.

Much easier to find oneself "applauding when the government spokesman" tells you what to think than, you know, watching the movie first and then realizing it is a highly stylized adaptation of a graphic novel by a bold and risky director and not "secretly funded by the U.S. government". Yah, bold. When a commercial and music video director decides he loves a piece of fiction so much that he's going to pay his own money to option it and film it - with no prior feature experience at the time - that's bold. As for the timing of its release coinciding with the Persian New Year...raise your hand if you think any non-Iranian Americans know when that is. If you have your hand up, slap yourself about the face for being a fool.

Someday, I swear, I'm going to live in a world where the terminally stupid keep their opinions about art and entertainment to themselves, or at least bother to read/watch/listen to the offending pieces before working themselves into a lather.

But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game

I found out today that someone who works in my department believes Barack Obama is the anti-Christ. I don't mean in the right-wing "that guy's slick and charismatic and could take the Presidency back for the damn lib'rals" way. I mean in the "Kirk Cameron's our only hope, the rapture is coming! the rapture is coming!" way.

Oy.

Now to me, this is similar to saying Barack Obama keeps a baby dragon locked in his basement and drinks a potion of ground unicorn horn and fairy dust at each new moon. Ie: if someone says it, I think he needs medication and restraints. Unfortunately, while belief in fairies and unicorns is considered "crazy", belief that Lucifer will rise from the fiery depths of Hell to walk the Earth before the rapture is considered "christian". At least, a lot of evangelicals think so.

I know that not all xtians believe in Revelations as anything other than metaphor. I know that some even read John's rantings as contemporary (Rome, 1st century, not America, 21st) political commentary disguised as apocalyptic prophesy. Still, there are too many who think "Left Behind" is the Zagat's for the endtimes. What makes people think this way?

I really had hoped millennial fever's grip on the nation would be weakened after yet another millennium came and went without horsemen and blaring horns in the sky and shit. I guess there's always another sign and portent around the corner, though. Ooh, maybe it's the upcoming end of the 13th baktun!!!

I'm a dick, I know. I've got no respect for people and their primitive belief systems, whether inscribed 2K years ago or cobbled together during an acid flashback in '69.

Rae will have lots of time to praise Jesus now

Here's the concession email from Rae Hart Anderson to Sen. Satveer Chaudhary, a practicing Hindu, in the District 50 State Senate race in Minnesota.

The race of your life is more important than this one--and it is my sincere wish that you'll get to know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. He died for the sins of the world, yours and mine--and especially for those who accept His forgiveness. His kingdom will come and His will be done--on earth as it is in heaven. There's more....I love belonging to the family of God. Jesus is the way, the truth and offers His life to you and each human being. Pay attention...this is very important, Satveer. Have you noticed Jesus for yourself...at some moment in time, yet???

Finally! Some balance! Crazy Jews!

I mock the xtians and Muslims too much...it's about time I had something really juicy on my peeps. Here we go...

Jews and Muslims in Jerusalem have found common ground in their fierce opposition to a gay rights rally due to be held in the city this week.

Leaders from both faiths have united to denounce the parade, which has prompted nights of street protest by ultra-orthodox Jews - who regard homosexuality as an "abomination" - and death threats against those taking part.

After Israeli police found and defused a bomb carrying the message "sodomites out", orders were given for 12,000 officers to deploy across Jerusalem during the march, planned for Friday.

Yeah. That's how you can tell you're on the side of the angels. Uniting with Muslims and planting bombs.

Die, die, die, you motherfuckers, die.

If only I were an orthodox Jew. Then maybe I could place a pulsa danura on all the religious freaks in the world. Oh, wait. Then I'd be a religious freak, too. Like these fine folk of the Rabbinical Court.

Die, die, die, you motherfuckers, die.

Intolerant? Sure. I'm intolerant. I'd like all the backwards, retrograde, ugly bastards - of all stripes - in the world to march into the nearest ocean, desert, or abyss and end their lives. I'd like to live in a world where people mind their own goddamn business and their own goddamn bodies. Where what I do with my cock is no one's business but mine and my partners'. I'm intolerant like that. Sue me.

I want to keep my mind a little hazy; I don't care if all my friends think I'm crazy

Obviously, I could say a lot about the Ted Haggard news. But I won't. I just feel bad for that poor guy. He really needs to get himself tested. I mean, can you imagine the sorts of diseases you could catch from an evangelical pastor?!?!?

If Rev. Haggard didn't smoke the meth, "a drug used in some gay circles to heighten sexual sensation", it's only because he was so turned on by Mike Jones' "bodybuilder physique" that he didn't need drugs or chemicals to ride his ass all the way to Jerusalem.

Baby, I likes the way you shakes your tenderloins

Oh yeah, t'ain't nothin' hotter than uncovered meat.

Australia's most senior Muslim cleric has prompted an uproar by saying that some women are attracting sexual assault by the way they dress.

Sheikh Taj el-Din al-Hilali said women who did not wear a hijab (head dress) were like "uncovered meat".

Really, does anyone find this sentiment shocking? This is the religion that spawned shari'ah.

A pregnancy as a result of rape first of all counts as evidence of adultery committed by the woman. The rape victim then has to prove that she really was raped. In case the man - which is very likely - denies that he has raped the woman, the woman has to name four male witnesses to prove the rape. In case the woman does not find these four male witnesses - which again is very likely - she will be charged with slander.

For the crime of slander, shari'ah prescribes a punishment of 80 lashes. On top of that, the woman will be charged with adultery, and is thus threatened with the death penalty, if she is married. In case, she is unmarried, the "adultery" counts as immoral behaviour and is punished with 100 lashes. This is at least what the criminal code of January 2000 of the Nigerian state Zamfara says.

Will the Real Starbuck Please Stand Up?

I once admired Kara Thrace
But now, I find, I long for Face
His mission clear, his manner strong
His feathered locks ne'er got too long

At first she'd fight and never cry
Went toe-to-toe with Colonel Tigh
But now she weeps and whines all day
(Though still, I'd roll her in the hay)

Dirk! Please save us! It's not too late
Rescue Kara from her sad fate
Stockholm Syndrome is bad enou'
The depths she's sunk we can't allow

Come fight and quip and never cry
Kill the Cylons with steady eye
Finish off her batshit captor
Free her from her evil toaster

* * *

Yah. Spoilers. Oh well. This was a fantastic two hours, though I felt bad for Ron Moore's tough bind. It's hard to tell this story of suicide bombers, detention, resistance, sectarian strife, and terrorists (with the great unspoken line wondering whether humans were expected to greet the Cylons with flowers) and not risk seeming an apologist for our foes. There were a few moments I felt came off a bit forced, but that's more a function of how close to home this hits.

I believe a people have a right to defend their homes, their families, and their lives, so I'm neither shocked nor particularly appalled by suicide bombers. While I detest their causes, I take no issue with their tactics. I know to some this makes me a moral relativist, but I support any and all means of defending my home, hearth, kith, and kin. If roles were reversed - America under Sharia - believe me, I'd be building bigger fucking bombs than the Iraqis and Palestinians.⁽¹⁾ Besides, my peeps aren't stuck with the whole "other cheek" schtick. We're strictly Old Testament.

This is the first time I've ever been 100% behind Tigh - though I think his fixation on Baltar is foolish and emotional - killing the Vichy cops is right on. Yes, "[j]ustice is like the hawk...sometimes it must go hooded", but masked bands of "police" disappearing people in dead of night are the enemies of freedom. Duck is a hero.

The first act, which I'd seen the other day, was pitch-perfect on every thread. But Christ have they fucked with Kara! I loved the way she killed Conoy and went back to her dinner. I loved that she knew it was only a temporary respite. Then she lost her way. Starbuck would have killed the child. Smothered it or drowned it. It's the hard thing to write and the hard thing to direct (and almost impossible for poor Katee Sackhoff to perform,) but it's the only way Starbuck would respond. She hates Cylons. She kills Cylons.

Beyond that I thought the evolution of the characters was spot on. Fat Apollo is great. I know it's just a body double and a fat suit, but it still cracks me up. Jamie Bamber should henceforth always be called "Fat Apollo". Ellen Tigh's betrayal of Saul is heartbreaking to watch. Finally, I believe that no matter what, she loves her bully of a husband. She loves him so much she'd sell out the human race and prostitute herself to save him. She'd always seemed a contrived plot device before; now she's the show's most tragic character.

Everyone else was likewise where they belong. Only Starbuck, ready to throw it all away for her zealous Cylon "husband" and bottle-grown toaster, needs a swift kick to the head.

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¹ It really helps being a Jew. We got way beyond algebra.

Rock me Amadeus

Seriously, who thinks Pinto could ever offend anyone?

A Berlin opera company cancelled a Mozart production over security fears because it features the severed heads of the Prophet Muhammad and Jesus.

I'm getting a wee bit tired of all this pussyfooting around the Prophet. We managed to get the Church off our backs sometime during the Renaissance, so let's agree not to let another church jump back on. That means if we offend someone, oh fucking well.

Muslims⁽¹⁾ are like that friend who just suffered a really bad breakup. You've got to be quiet and respectful and not bring up sex, or parties, or fun around him lest he start whining and moping about his one true love. At some point, you tell your friend to grow up and grow a pair. She wasn't perfect, she wasn't "the one", and she's not coming back. The Prophet wasn't perfect, he wasn't "the one", and he's not coming back.

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¹ Of course the same applies to all religious zealots, but for the moment we don't stop productions of "Jesus Christ Superstar" because we're worried about suicide bombers. I suspect we'll see that in our lifetimes, unfortunately.

An Ulcer in America's Anal Area

"Calypso" Louis Farrakhan isn't feeling too good. Boo. Fucking. Hoo.