Evil Genie gets himself FOUR Technicals.

There's video above, FeedReader.

Wow. Just wow. Evil Genie is up to his Evil Ways at FAU it seems. I've never liked Mike Jarvis, so the delicious epicaricacy of seeing him falter at Mary Carey's alma mater^* gave me a big chuckle this morning. Cops and everything!

But before that the game spun when Jarvis was called for four straight technicals. It turned out to be a 10-point swing, because ULM made 7 of the 8 free throws then got a rebound and scored a 3--point shot, so FAU;s 31-30 lead was suddenly a 40-31 deficit with 2 minutes left in the half, and while the Owls clawed and fought, they couldn't come back.

Definitely click through to the original post and see the fuzzy picture of the former CA gubernatorial candidate on the floor after the game. Surreal.

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^* That's Latin for Deep Throat, I think. Or fake rack. Something.

FSW: 2008 NFL Combine

(Scott Van Pelt and Mel Kiper stand in a broadcast booth at an arena. Graphics read "2008 NFL COMBINE".)

SCOTT
Welcome back. I'm joined now in the booth by Mel Kiper. Mel, what are your thoughts on the first three days of competition?

MEL
Scott, this has been a great combine. It's been an especially strong year for the skill positions, with quarterbacks and receivers performing particularly well. We're still waiting on the official scores on the Wonderlic, but early reports show none of the surprises we've had in years past. Today we'll be seeing defensive linemen and defensive backs and I know a lot of GMs are anxious to see how they do.

SCOTT
It looks like we've already got our first defensive back warming up down on the course now. It's Darren McKnight out of Purdue. Mel, what can you tell us about Darren?

(Down on the field, we see that an obstacle course has been set up. There's a large seesaw, a series of jumps, a long line of slalom poles, a curved tunnel. A layout familiar to anyone who has ever seen dog agility trials.)

MEL (O.S.)
Darren's a smaller d-back, but he's quick and agile and can run all day. You really love watching guys like this, the way they just jump around, always excited and happy to please.

(Darren and a middle-aged woman are at the starting line. Darren is hopping around like a Jack Russell and the woman holds out a piece of bacon for him.)

MEL (O.S.)
Darren's handler is his mother and agent, Myrtle McKnight. She's an experienced handler, having managed both of Darren's older brothers at the combine in year's past. Vince is a wide receiver for the Cardinals, and Trey is a punter and backup QB up in Buffalo. She knows what she's doing out there, and as long as she can keep Darren's attention, he'll do great.

(A gun sounds and Darren starts running the course. Myrtle guides him through it.)

SCOTT (O.S.)
He's going great out there. Looks like a real pro, doesn't he?

MEL (O.S.)
He sure does, Scott. Myrtle's giving him just enough freedom to really fly, but still keeping him focused. Look how she's always one step ahead of Darren so he knows where to go next.

(Darren overshoots the entrance to the slalom poles and Myrtle has to get him back to restart them.)

MEL (O.S.)
Oh no! That's a five second penalty! He's going to have to really work hard to make up that loss.

(Darren finishes the course and jumps into his mother's arms and kisses her.)

SCOTT (O.S.)
That really was a shame, wasn't it. Looked like he had a shot at the course record.

MEL (O.S.)
He sure did, Scott, but I think his time will still put him in the top three for his position.

SCOTT (O.S.)
Let's go down to Erin Andrews on the field and see what the competitors have to say.

(Sideline reporter and Internet sensation Erin Andrews stands by Myrtle and Darren. Darren jumps out of his mother's arms and hops around, still excited from his run.)

ERIN
Myrtle, can you tell us what happened out there?

(Darren gets down on all fours and starts to sniff Erin's crotch.)

ERIN
Oh my! That's a good boy. Okay! That's enough, now. Down, big fella!

MYRTLE
Darren! Mind your manners, boy!

(Darren stops sniffing and sits by Myrtle.)

MYRTLE
Sorry, Erin. He gets a little excited sometimes.

(Erin, excited herself, fans herself.)

ERIN
That's alright, Myrtle. He's a cutie pie. Aren't you, Darren? Such a good boy.

(Back to the booth.)

SCOTT
Okay. We'll come back to Erin in a bit. Up next, wide receivers jump off a pier to retrieve a stick.

BLACKOUT

Good Knight in Lubbock

Lubbock mourns tonight
Red Raiders' red-faced sage gone
Bobby packs it in

Tom Brady just not Man(ning) enough

Phones have been ringing off the hook since the end of the game. Every team in the AFC East wants to get a contract with Archie Manning. Whoever wins the Manning sweepstakes is guaranteed at least one victory next year, over the cursed Patriots. The teams that lose are likely to open their phone books to the 'M's and pick the first name they find.

Next year, expect to see Miriam Manning, 72 of Boca Raton, leading the Dolphins to victory against Belichick's Camcorders.

Pornstars and Pigskins

Um...this is awesome. Pornstar Jenny Hendrix (of The Jenny Hendrix Anal Experience) has a gig as a commentator on an Internet sports radio show. For those who don't read Deadspin and missed this, here's the money shot:

One person who already knows Hendrix' name is Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio, who called the show her first day on the job.

"He was familiar with my work," she says gleefully. "He says he saw it in a hotel."

What's new Buenes Aires?

Hand of God is gonna slap Diego.

Argentine Jewish newspaper Iton Gadol has received hundreds of emails slamming soccer legend Diego Maradona for his comments in praise of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Agentine Jewish news service reported Wednesday.

She rides like the wind, if the wind rode Trek

We haven't checked in with Kathryn Bertine in quite a long while. Here's part the sixth, in which our mighty warrior focuses her laser-like intensity on becoming a Cat2 rider and qualifying for nationals.

And here's part the seventh, the nationals.

She's my goddamn hero. But when you finish the latter episode, you might fear the WWL a bit more. Too much power for an itty-bitty cable sports channel with such a small corporate parent.

Save the Cheerleader. Save the...OW! Get off me!

There's video above, FeedReader

I swear, the sports guy at KOMO cut this video knowing it was going to become a YouTube phenomenon. I'm pretty sure he uploaded it right after the broadcast.

I do not believe I can watch it enough.

In my high school, we didn't knock down cheerleaders. We knocked up cheerleaders.

By the way, when did YouTube become "America's Funniest Home Videos" + camgirls?

via Deadspin

"We didn't free the rednecks just so they would have nothing to do."

The Assimilated Negro has a guest post on Deadspin today about Rick Clark's dream of getting some of those black and latino entertainment dollars into the hands of Miller-sippin', tabacky-chawin', left-hand-turn-makin' rednecks. Good stuff.

Also, I think about the ease with which anyone can play basketball, baseball, football. That seems natural to me. All you have to do is round up some people and a ball. NASCAR, on the other hand, is a sport that requires rounding up an army and invading another country for fuel.

Sooooo, look, I don't want to be a hater. Really! NASCAR deserves its little bit of space. We didn't free the rednecks just so they would have nothing to do. But not every dreg of American culture needs diversification. Maybe if I'm properly "edutained" and watch cars go in circles for 5 hours I might change my mind, but for now I'm going to stay working on my Jessica Biel audition tapes and advising fellow Minority-Americans (awwww, that means all of us) to hold tight and not buy their 4-year-old a race car just yet. At least wait until 2009 when we get our 2 trillion dollars. Then you'll have enough to throw some rims on that piece. Or as Mr. Clark prefer to call them, "urban hubcaps."

Take me out to the White House

In other news, Chris Dodd surged past the Democratic front runners' fundraising efforts in the month of October. With his new overflowing warchest, he announced plans to name Bill Simmons and "that annoying Southie who doesn't shower daily" to his campaign staff.

From Deering High to Arco Arena

Man, I hate to repeat myself. I wanted to post a Hang Time clip in honor of Reggie Theus being named Kings head coach. But I already posted a clip (and name-checked Anthony Anderson) back during the tourney when NMSU hung tough against the Longhorns.

Bummer.

Oh the hell with it. Classic tv is classic tv.

Down 3-2, but with extra carbs for energy

This would have made me smile a lot more if they could have held on in the fourth last night. It would probably make y'all smile more if I'd adjusted my celly's camera to get the colors truer. I mean they were seriously, shockingly purple and orange.

Two great tastes that taste great together

One used to be the Greatest Living Writer^TM and the other was a challenger to Mateen Cleaves's towel-waving crown. Here's a great, ongoing email exchange about the playoffs between Neal and Paul.

Pops' Goon Squad

Either Cheap Shot Bob is the smartest baller to ever roam the hardwoods, or Pops has got John Chaney on speed dial. At this stage in his career, Horry doesn't provide the same offensive fireworks as in his clutch past, but he might still be this series' MVP. It all depends on how PHX reacts.

Yep. Duncan and Bowen jumped on the floor in the 2nd quarter. Yep. Stu-Ball didn't suspend Tim-may. I'll say one thing about all this: I for one no longer believe the commish rigs anything that goes on in the Association. Dick Bavetta really calls 'em as he sees 'em, the Knicks really won the Ewing draft, and the league doesn't care if anyone watches the finals.

If I were D'Antoni, I'd be playing Jalen Rose a lot on Wednesday. Whenever Tim-may's out and Parker's on the floor, I'd send Jalen in to "guard" Parker. Clearly, the NBA approves of NHL-style enforcers in principle; though they will suspend the enforcer, they will reward the team. Let's see if Tim-may can keep his ass glued to the bench.

Joey T's up Dick

So Joey Crawford considers it "a travesty in itself [Dick Bavetta] even being in the finals." Finally, a ref says something with which we can all agree. Uh, an ex-ref, I guess.

An old, comfortable tennis Shue

Who'd have thought Ralph Macchio wasn't the crazy one in Karate Kid? At no point has Daniel san ever said he wanted to set aside acting and focus on being a professional martial artist. Yet here's my favorite Harvard dropout¹, thinking she's going to compete.

That's right. Elizabeth Shue has been "training so hard, now [she] feel[s] like more of a tennis player than an actress." Really? 'Cause you're awfully straight-backed in these "action" shots. I'll allow that the current crop of females aren't too deep - see Martina Hingis' return if you need evidence - but they're all about power, and I just don't see a lot of uncoiling in those pics. It would be different if our adventurous babysitter had some touch, but those are some flat looking shots.

Then again, she apparently beat Jon Lovitz in a celebrity tourney. I mean, once you've bested Jay Sherman, where else can you go but the pros?

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¹ Billy is way down on that list, and Ballmer graduated. (It apparently doesn't take much to get outta Cambridge.)

Do you know Duno?

She's coming...

Smarter, faster, and about twelve times hotter than Danica Patrick: Milka Duno's coming to embarrass Patrick and Sarah Fisher. Unless she really is the next coming of Paul Dana.

VCU/Pitt...so close!

Is it only 12 days ago that this year's Cinderella knocked out last year's Cinderella in the CAA Championship game?!? There's less than 2:30 to go in this Round of 32 game against Pitt and I'm starting to believe! Beating Duke was nothing. They're undermanned and under-coached¹ and rely on Greg Paulus to handle the rock. Might as well have me be their damn PG. But Pitt?

1:40 - VCU's just tied it up for the first time since early in the first half. Incredible. Odds are, I'll end up tossing this post by game's end. I mean, what chance do they really have against Jamie Dixon's confident, experienced, Big East bruisers?

Ball's in...a shot, a rebound, a tie-up - Rams' ball!

1:23 - walking the ball up court. Oh my! VCU's first lead, and then Pitt flies down the court and counters!

:30 - shot, almost an offensive board...

NO! Levance Fields is fouled by VCU with 2.1 on the clock and the score knotted up. He misses the first, misses the second; we're going to OT!

A 51-32 run in the final twelve minutes to tie up the game.

CBS keeps trying to bounce me to the 2OT Vandy-Wazzu game in Sacto, but DirecTv seems on top of the situation for once and re-bounces me back to the game I want. Mind you, I'm jumping to that game on my second feed anyway, but I've been so engrossed by the Rams' comeback that I didn't realize a second extra frame had started at Arco.

Crap. See? I was over at the Vandy/Wazzu game. Missed the tip and first minute of OT.

I had a bunch of live-blogging on the final four minutes of OT, but with Pitt pulling it out I don't see much point in keeping it (and cleaning it up.) Suffice it to say, the Rams fought long and hard to catch up to the Panthers, leaving them very little in the tank for an extra five minutes of play. Jamal Schuler got them back within three, following his own missed layup, but Pitt kept breaking the VCU traps. No stops, no steals, and Pitt just kept scoring from the line. It was a nice effort, though. Certainly one of the more exciting games of this first weekend.

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¹ Coach K is the Phil Jackson of college ball. Give him a team of all-stars and he'll do peachy. Give him anything less and...well...when was his last Elite 8?

Buckeyes Squeak by Musketeers (and avoid them for another 20 years)

INT. MIAMI BEACH SENIOR CENTER

DIKEMBE MUTOMBO AND DANNY ALMONTE SIT IN OVERSTUFFED CHAIRS IN A LARGE ROOM, WEARING ROBES AND SLIPPERS. THERE ARE EMPTY BEER BOTTLES AND PIZZA BOXES ON THE COFFEE TABLE IN FRONT OF THEM. EACH MAN HAS AN IV TO THE SIDE OF HIS SEAT.

DEKE
I hope today's games are more exciting than the first round.

DANNY
Si. I can't believe all those favorites winning in blow-outs. This has got to be the most boring tourney I've ever seen. This is worse than when my papi and I used to watch Coach Wooden's teams.

DEKE
I know. We didn't get much basketball in the Congo, but my mother took me to one of the American hotels in Kinshasa to watch Texas Western beat Kentucky. That was an exciting game.

DANNY
Greg needs to be careful out there. (BEAT) He doesn't want to break his other hip before the draft.

DEKE
But losing this early won't be good for his draft position, either. Though he's too old to be playing at all. (BEAT) Ohio State refuses to play Xavier for a good reason, I see.

DANNY
Watch. They'll come back. He's got a lot of good, young talent around him.

DEKE
There's not much time left. (BEAT) Yes! But they've got to foul quickly!

DANNY
Greg's got him...

DEKE
...but he's shoved him!

DANNY
No!!

DEKE
That's two and possession! The game's over.

DANNY
Wait...they didn't call the intentional! They didn't call it! We've got a chance...Overtime! Overtime! Overtime!

How Bill Simmons Enjoys the Dance

Not that there's anything wrong with that.