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Over the next several months the hype for Tim Burton's version of Sweeney Todd is going to increase. Were any other director attached to this, the hype machine wouldn't get turned on, but all the Burton freaks of the world are going to be pimping this flick to their utmost. And it is most likely going to suck balls. Big, massive donkey balls. The sort of hairy balls that Benjamin Barker could shave smooth as a novice's knees in the time it takes to whistle a happy tune.
I don't hate Tim Burton, but I think he's got a few problems that make him particularly ill-suited to bring my favorite musical1 to the big screen. Let's count out those problems!
- He insists on casting the missus in just about everything. Hey, I've got nothing against her, and I thought she was great in Wallace & Grommit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, but Mrs. Lovett? She's no Murder She Wrote.
- He has a massive man-crush on Johnny Depp2. I know Johnny can sing (at least his bandmates told him so) but at a booming baritone? Maybe that will work out, but I have my doubts right now. Also, honestly, he's too pretty. Anthony, he could play. Todd?
- Tim Burton hates you. Yes, you. He doesn't give a shit about your hopes, dreams, and childhood pleasures. All he cares about is his vision.
- Tim Burton hates everyone else. He hates Pierre Boulle and Rod Serling. He hates Frank Miller and Bob Kane. He hates them all. They're all hacks who lack his vision, his brilliance, his panache and style.
- Tim Burton hates himself. At least, if he had an ounce of sense and taste he would. God knows the sensible among us hate him for all the reasons above.
Hey, what do you know? I
do hate Tim-tim!
I've commented on a couple of other blogs about Tim-tim's lack of love for anyone but himself and anything he didn't "put his stamp on". I realized it would be a lot easier for me to just put it all together here and link to it every time I read something about how wonderful Sweeney is going to be by one of Tim-tim's adoring fanatics.
TIM BURTON
Anybody who knows me knows I would never read a comic book.
KEVIN SMITH
Which I guess explains "Batman".
Maybe I'll be wrong this time. Maybe this will be the time that Tim-tim has even the tiniest spark of respect for the source material. Maybe Sondheim's veto powers are broad and sweeping and Tim-tim couldn't steamroll his "vision" onto the screen. Maybe I'll be shocked and amazed by what he brings to screen.
Still, would it have hurt to cast
Victor Garber somewhere? I mean, it's nice he gave a wee speck of a role to
ASH, who's got quite a solid musical background. But no. It was more important to find space for Sacha Cohen
3 than for the
original Anthony. Beautiful.
Then again, I'm sure Tim-tim has never
listened to any of the cast recordings. Why would he want to muddy up his perfect vision with other, inferior products?
1 That's actually a tough call. It could be
Camelot or even
Guys and Dolls instead, but I think the multi-layer vocal pieces pull Sweeney ahead by a nose.
2 Honestly, who doesn't? The problem isn't that I don't love the Depp.
3 His cousin does some really
good research into autism. I will leave it to the gentle reader to make snarky comments about who inspired him to go into that field.
