ACORN and the election

Just about the most detailed and clear-headed discussion of ACORN I've seen to date over at Washington Monthly:

That said, on to a few specific cases. I picked them more or less randomly, based on what I happened to read about when I was thinking of doing this. I tried to dig a bit deeper, to figure out whether or not the evidence pointed to any sort of systematic fraud. In particular, I wanted to know whether or not ACORN had flagged suspicious registrations, and whether or not it seemed to be cooperating with the authorities and generally trying to minimize fraud. I did this because I wanted to find some sort of evidence one way or another.

In the cases I've gone through, the takeaway seems to be: ACORN had flagged suspicious registrations; it was cooperating with authorities, there is no evidence that it was trying to submit fraudulent registrations, and plenty of evidence that it was trying not to. (E.g., firing people who submitted fake registrations to ACORN.) I do think ACORN ought to ask serious questions about its practice of paying people to register people to vote, and/or about its controls on its employees, though I understand why one might want to give low-income people the work. Details below the fold.

And remember kids: it's a FELONY to throw out voter registration cards, even if you think they're fraudulent. You can indicate your concerns, but have to return them.

So if you're especially concerned that thousands of Mickey Mouses and Daffy Ducks are going to show up to vote in Florida and steal the election, maybe you might want to click through and get a fresh dose of reality.

Marley & Me trailer

There's video above, FeedReader.

Ah, Marley. I've known what I was doing with that lazy afternoon of 25 December for months. But I'm a dog lover. They're so much better than people.

If you love dogs and you've never read the book, I suggest you pick it up. There's a new edition coming out in a couple weeks. Here's a link. I bawled like a baby when I read it, as I imagine I will in the theater.

FSW: Best Friends

Ever so sorry to have come up with this idjotic theme. Sadly, *this* was probably the best effort I was going to be able to produce. I went back to the well, sort of, and then let the spirit of Our Gang take over. I hope it doesn't make y'all gag.

Michael's back on the grid and has already selected next week's theme: Mad Scientist.

As usual, if you want to play along with us, email a link to your entry to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

Best Friends

INT: CLUBHOUSE - DAY

JOHN, a stocky white boy in shorts and a too-tight button-up shirt sits at the front table. BARRY, a long lean black kid wearing a black suit, white shirt, and bow tie, sits next to his left. JOE, a skinny, nondescript white kid, sits to his right. A handful of other boys sit facing front. John bangs a gavel.

JOHN

I now bring this meeting of the He-Man Woman-Hater's Club to order. Would the secretary please read the minutes from our last meeting?

BARRY

Freddy complained that we were all talking too much during his nap time and we took a vote. 8-2 in favor of making Freddy nap up in the old tree fort with one abstention.

JOHN

Who abstained?

BARRY

Freddy. He dozed off while we were talking about it.

(Beat)

Then the defense committee reported on the treaty negotiations with Cub Scout Troupe 163. They were at an impasse over access rights to cross 13th Street to get to Gargantuan Comics.

(Beat)

And Teddy asked for our help getting his sister's doll out of Becker's stream where it sank after he crashed his bike trying to jump the old footbridge.

JOE

I still don't understand why he had the doll with him.

JOHN

Alright, let's hear from the defense committee first.

THREE BOYS stand up. They're dirty and scuffed up. One of them with a black eye, another with a fat lip. HARRY - skinny, blond, bespectacled - steps forward.

HARRY

They whipped us good. Cheaters. Tommy Monahan's sister Rosie came with 'em. We didn't stand a chance.

JOE

(Anxious)

Are you alright?

HARRY

Yeah, but when my mom catches sight of me she's gonna have a fit.

JOE

No, I mean are you alright?

Barry and John turn to each other and roll their eyes.

HARRY

Oh, oh! Yeah, heck! I forgot!

Harry turns to the other two boys, both a little younger than he, and inoculates them.

HARRY (CONT'D)

(To the first boy)

Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you've got the cootie shot.

(and the other)

Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you've got the cootie shot.

JOE

Harry, you'd better get yourself taken care of too before you spread 'em.

HARRY

Yeah. Billy, can you give me the shot?

BILLY gets up. He's thin, with brown hair and a drawl like sweet tea on a summer's day.

BILLY

Can do, Harry.

They leave the clubhouse.

JOE

Guys, you've gotta be more careful. We don't want another outbreak like last spring.

All the boys look up and to their left. The screen wavers and chimes play...

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Title: Last Spring

Barry stands in front of the class, singing. HILLARY watches with stars in her eyes.

BARRY

(Singing)

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.

John looks on with a squint. Barry returns to his desk, right next to Hillary's. John gives him the ol' stinkeye as he passes.

HILARY

Ooooh, Barry. That was dreamy!

The screen wavers and chimes play again...

INT. CLUBHOUSE - DAY

Title: Today

Everyone shakes their heads and gets out of flashback mode. Barry turns to John and extends his hand...

BARRY

Brothers forever, pal. No broad's going to come between us again.

JOHN

(Shaking hands)

And how!

The door to the clubhouse opens. The defense committee comes back in, surrounding a girl! SARAH wears her brown hair in pigtails and the cutest little glasses. She carries a bb gun. All the boys in the clubhouse go nuts!

JOHN

(Banging his gavel)

Order! Order! What's she doing in here?

HARRY

We caught her spying outside.

BARRY

Is that true?

SARAH

Oh yeah, you betcha! I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, don'tcha know, so I scurried over here quick as a jackrabbit in deer season to peek through the knot hole. You boys sure like talkin' don'tcha?

JOE

Girl! Girl!

Joe gets up and starts running around like a headless chicken...until he bounces right off a wall and falls straight on his backside to the SOUND FX of little birds chirping.

JOHN

There are no girls allowed in here, Sarah. This is the He-Man Woman-Hater's Club.

SARAH

Oh John! You get so cute when you're all flustered-like. Your cheeks get red as fresh venison and you huff and puff like a little choo-choo train! You're so cute, I could just kiss ya!

John's eyes bug out. Barry's bow tie spins around as he stands gape-jawed.

BARRY

Well, now, Sarah. As you can surely deduce from the heretofore mentioned name, we have something of a exclusion policy with regard to persons of your gender--

SARAH

--There you go again! Gettin' all uppity and high-falutin' with your private school readin' and vocab-uh-lary. Why'n't you just talk like regular folks?

JOHN

Sarah, is that an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB gun with a compass in the stock?

SARAH

It sure is, cutie-pie!

BARRY

Really, I must protest. Sarah just doesn't belong here. We've still got club business to discuss.

JOHN

I could not disagree more. I think she brings a breath of fresh air to the place.

Sarah winks at John.

BARRY

Oh boy. Here we go again.

BLACKOUT

Sketch War...I'm coming, I swear!!!

Wow. I am a super-slacker! I'm going to be dead last into the fray this week. Damn sleep study messed up my whole writing schedule! Then again, considering I apparently stop breathing about 60 times per minute I should probably be happy I went to the clinic and am going to get that taken care of!

Anyway, for your comedy pleasure while you're waiting for my *brilliant* sketch, please check out

• Michael's entry...
• Ken's entry...
• David's entry

I haven't read them yet; I'm afraid I'll crib their superior ideas and try to pawn them off as my own.

Health of the Mother!!!

Yikes. John Sidney took his chains off on Wednesday night. He probably should have left them on. His "health of the mother" sc/air quotes might be the biggest debate blunder I've ever witnessed. This isn't like Dan Quayle comparing himself to JFK and getting counter-punched; this is like, well...watch the video clip below.



The only fundamental difference between John and Monty is that Monty was *ahead* in the polls.

I think I might add "Health of the Mother!" to my arsenal of obscure oaths. Right up there with "Madre de diez!" and "By Thor's Beard!"

Liveblogging the Presidential Debate

Quick reminder to all, we'll be liveblogging the third and final Presidential debate of the 2008 election over at DreamLoom. Please come on by Wednesday at 9pm EDT for snark, fun, and just a little bit of politics.

Click here for the fun.

FSW: Reap the Whirlwind - ***Michael's Sketch***

Okay, crazy-man Michael is taking this no Internet (other than email, because, well, c'mon!) thing seriously. He didn't post his sketch on his own blog tonight; he emailed it to me.

So, without further ado, here's Michael's sketch for this week:

Reap the Whirlwind
(The burned out remains of a once beautiful home. Matt and Erin stand, holding each other, staring at the carnage.)

Erin: I still can’t believe it.

Matt: Our whole lives.

Erin: It all happened so fast.

Matt: All my trophies.

Erin: Our wedding album.

Matt: The plasma TV.

Erin: My mother’s ashes.

Matt: Well, those are probably all right.

Erin: You think? Oh, honey, what are we going to do?

(Matt gives her a hug.)

Matt: It’s going to be all right.

Erin: The only think keeping me from completely freaking out is the knowledge that we have insurance. At least we’ll be able to build a new home.

Matt: Well...

Erin: What?

Matt: About the insurance...

Erin: Don’t tell me you forgot to pay the bill. Matthew Christopher Glover, I swear to Christ, I will-

Matt: I paid it. I paid it.

Erin: What then?

Matt: I sort of sold it to Stan.

Erin: You what?

Matt: You remember when he came over all upset because he’d just found out Kathy has ovarian cancer?

Erin: Yeah.

Matt: And how, since they didn’t have insurance they were going to have to sell everything just to pay for the treatments?

Erin: Yeah.

Matt: Well, I sort of sold him the right to our homeowner’s insurance.

Erin: You what?

Matt: I never thought our house would burn down!

Erin: How much did you sell it for?

Matt: That’s the beauty part. I got 10% interest on it.

Erin: So he paid you money, betting that the house might burn down and then he’d get to collect the insurance?

Matt: Not just him, either. Once I realized that people were willing to buy a policy against our policy I sold one to just about every guy at the office.

Erin: That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.

Matt: Wait, it’s gets better. Baby, I had fourteen different guys paying me $100 a month. Do the math. That’s extra money in our pockets.

Erin: How long have you been doing this?

Matt: Almost two whole years! That’s $36,000.

Erin: And where’s that money now?

Matt: Well, it paid for the new TV. And the new cabinets. Our trip to Branson.

Erin: And how much was the policy worth?

Matt: Pays out one million dollars.

(She just stares at him.)

Matt: What?

Erin: Do the math, asshole! That’s 14 million dollars we have to pay out!

Matt: Oh. (It really sinks in.) OH!

(Just then a car pulls up outside. Stan walks over.)

Stan: Oh my god, I’m so sorry you guys.

Matt: Hey, Stan.

Stan: I heard the sirens and saw them turn down your street and I hoped...I mean...I’m so sorry you guys.

(Another car pulls up. Ernie gets out.)

Matt: Hey, Ernie, what are you doing here?

Ernie: Stan called and told me the news. I can’t believe it.

Matt: Yeah, it’s all gone.

Ernie: What an incredible return on an investment. I mean, my wife was pretty mad when she found out I was giving you $100 a month, but after tonight I am out of the dog house!

(Another car pulls up. Jerry gets out, he’s got an open beer in his hands.)

Jerry: Jackpot!

Stan: Listen, man, not to be a douche or anything, but when do you think the claims adjuster is going to be out?

Matt: We put a call into our guy, he said he’d be right over.

Erin: Listen you guys, I don’t know what Matt promised you.

Ernie: We have contracts.

(They all pull out official looking documents.)

Erin: Be that as it may, there’s no way we can pay each of you one million dollars.

Jerry: Come on, man, I need that money. I took out a loan against this insurance so I could buy my buddy Val’s life insurance policy. He a marathoner. It’ll be years before I see any of that dough.

Ernie: Yeah, I’ve gotta pay off the guys who just installed the swimming pool in our bedroom.

Matt: You put a swimming pool in your bedroom?

Ernie: Our mortgage guy thought it would increase the value. Plus, he bet me $500 that they couldn’t do it because it was on the second floor. Sucker.

Erin: I’m sorry. But there’s no money. But, once our insurance guy gets here, we’ll settle up with him and they we’ll happily give you your money back.

Stan: I don’t know. I was counting on that million.

Jerry: Me too.

Erin: Hey, something’s better than nothing though. Right?

(They all murmur and mumble and basically agree. Just then Perry Paul peddles up on his bike. He is a rather large man and very out of shape.)

Perry: (Winded) Sorry...I wasn’t...here....sooner...Cutbacks forced me....to give up...company car...I’m Perry Paul. How can AIG help you today?

BLACKOUT

FSW: Bailout!

Okay, the funny stuff in here? The good words? Stolen from greater men than I. Or worse, stolen and munged by a degenerate just to get them to fit my nefarious needs. So, to Alan Jay Lerner, Joe Darion, and Frank Loesser, I give all my humble and feeble thanks.

Ken picked out this week's theme - bailout - and came out of the gate first with, you guessed it, a musical sketch! His is original and funny and ends with the biggest laugh I've had all week. Michael hasn't shown up yet - he's thinking about a break from the Internet for a little while - but I'm still hoping his worse angels get the better of him. And I can't believe I forgot...David returns with a sketch! It's not on-theme, but who cares?

As for next week, the theme is...best friends.

As usual, if you want to play along with us, email a link to your entry to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

Bailout!

EXT. THEATER - NIGHT

A small crowd of bedraggled and weary souls are gathered under a marquis. Their faces are sunken but their smiles are beaming. Behind them are posters for "Bailout!"

WOMAN #1

I found a Jujube under my seat! And it was warm in there. It's been so cold.

CAMERAMAN (O.C.)

But did you enjoy the play?

WOMAN #1

It was amazing. I cried. A lot.

WOMAN #2

Best show in years.

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

Three actors dressed as SENATORS LIEBERMAN, SPECTER, and COLEMAN huddle to one side.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Come see the smash hit everyone's talking about, "Bailout!" Winner of seven Tonys, including Best Play, Best Drama, and Best Place to Stay Warm in February. With songs you won't soon forget, like this one...

CLOSE ON SENATORS

SENATORS LIEBERMAN, SPECTER, AND COLEMAN

(singing)

The Secretary is just a Goy
Not a M.O.T., just a Goy.
To finagle and dangle and skillfully wrangle
The financial hoi polloi
The Wall Street meltdown is not
Safe in the hands of a Goy.

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

The stage is set for a Senate hearing. An actor playing LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD sits at the witness table with his ATTORNEY. Several SENATORS sit across him at their desks.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Or this hilarious number...

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

Senators!

(singing)

Do you recall the other night that I distinctly said you might
Shore up my junk bonds and bad mortgages?
Well, I'm afraid there's someone who I must sell to in place of you
Someone who plainly is beyond compare
China's portfolio is more tremendous than I have e'er seen anywhere
And when an offer is that tremendous
It, by right, should buy up all my shares.

SENATORS

(speaking)

But Richard, let us bargain with them and beat them!
Don't refuse us so abruptly, we implore!
Give us the opportunity to outbid them
And China will be smashed upon the floor!

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

You'll bash and thrash them?

SENATORS

We'll smash and mash them.

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

You'll give them trouble?

SENATORS

They will be rubble.

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

A mighty whack?

SENATORS

Their market will crack.

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

Well...

(singing)

Then you may buy up all my shares
If you do all the things you promise
In fact, my heart would break should you not buy up all my shares.

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

A lone spot on an actor portraying SENATOR MCCAIN. He stands in front of the curtain, facing the audience.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Or this soul-wrenching number about thwarted dreams from Tony-winner Neil Patrick Harris...

SENATOR MCCAIN

(singing)

I have dreamed thee too long,
Never seen thee or touched thee.
But known thee with all of my heart.
Half a prayer, half a song,
Thou hast always been with me,
Though we have been always apart.

Oval Office... Oval Office...
I see heaven when I see thee, Oval Office,
And thy desk is just a place
I'll never sit in... Oval Office... Oval Office!

CUT TO:

Titles. "Bailout!" in white letters on black.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Come see "Bailout!", playing now and forever at the Winter Garden Theater. Located between the Helping Hands Soup Kitchen and the Unemployment Office.

BLACKOUT

Household Help

There's video above, FeedReader. HT to Alex Epstein

These are actually vicious, commie lies. John McCain doesn't pay anything in household help. Cindy does. John spends all his money at the craps table.

(My sketch will be posted this evening. I promise.)

Real advice from a fake President to a fake candidate

There's video above, FeedReader.

She's got my fake vote, too.

Jigsaw Building

There's video above, FeedReader. HT to Urban Prankster.

Watch carefully. You might not notice anything at first, but eventually you'll see the video being projected onto the Hague City Hall.

FSW: It's the End of the World As We Know It

Michael's selection for this week was the prescient apocalypse. All too close to bearing fruit, I keep hearing hoof beats and horn blasts. I tell you, if seven brothers club seven baby seals for their seven brides, I'm stocking up on bottled water tequila.

Micheal's already come through this week with a sketch about the day after yesterday. I got chills reading this. Ken followed up with a hopeful story about tolerance, belief, and deli food. Honors for next week's theme fall to him, so be sure to check out his blog for an update to his post.

As usual, if you want to play along with us, email a link to your entry to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

It's the End of the World As We Know It

INT. LIVING ROOM - DUSK

MARISOL, HECTOR, and BRAD wear tattered rags and sit in the decrepit remains of a once grand living room. Marisol and Hector huddle in one corner, Brad in another. The former captain of industry looks as beaten as his cook and gardener. PHOEBE throws open upstage doors and glides in wearing a short skirt, pressed blouse, and new Christian Louboutins. Her hair and makeup are immaculate. Her arms are full of bags.

PHOEBE

It's so stuffy in here! What is wrong with all of you? It was a beautiful day today, but you're all sitting right where you were when I left this morning. I bet you didn't even get up once.

BRAD

Hector got up once, to shoot a giant ant that was coming toward the house.

HECTOR

Si. I shoot between the eyes.

BRAD

Which ones? It had like, a million.

PHOEBE

And what about you? And Marisol? You just sat there? I bet you didn't even clean and dress the carcass. We haven't had fresh meat in two weeks, but you just left it on the lawn, didn't you? It's probably already gone bad.

HECTOR

No. The flying cats come and drag it to their nest.

MARISOL

They're so pretty. Why I can't have one?

PHOEBE

We've been over this before, Marisol. No dogs or killer mutant cats in the house. Mr. Finley has allergies.

MARISOL

Yes, Miss Phoebe.

PHOEBE

Come on. Come help me with the bags.

The others trudge to Phoebe and take her bags.

PHOEBE (CONT'D)

I found a few cans of pineapple juice under the bar in the Jensen's pool house. I remembered Patrick made those killer hurricanes last Memorial Day.

BRAD

Any Myers left?

PHOEBE

No. No booze. Looks like squatters got it all. But they left the fruit juice.

BRAD

Lucky us.

PHOEBE

You're damn right, lucky us! What's with all of you?

BRAD

What's with us? You're running around town like nothing's wrong, while we're here fighting off killer ants and flocks of flying cats. It's over, Phoebe! The world's over!

Marisol and Hector freeze.

PHOEBE

No, Brad. The world's not over. Your cushy life is over. Your two-martini lunches and Wednesday golf and Thursday afternoons with that tramp, Charlotte Greggson, are over. Life goes on. The world goes on.

(Beat)

Oh? You didn't think I knew about her? I knew, Brad. I! Didn't! Care!

Phoebe is steaming, but keeps it together. She crosses her arms. Hector looks in the last bag, not finding what he wants.

HECTOR

Miss Phoebe, you not bring bullets?

PHOEBE

Of course I did, Hector. Nine mills, .38s, and 12-gauge. They're right here.

Phoebe spins a little and we see the third arm jutting from the center of her back holding one last bag. Her blouse is perfectly tailored to accommodate the extra appendage.

HECTOR

Thank you ma'am.

Hector goes to Phoebe and takes the bag. As he walks away, we see he has two extra eyes on the back of his head.

PHOEBE

No problem, Hector. It's nice to see someone else around here doing his part.

(Stares at Brad)

But you really have to get out of this house more. You too, Marisol. The weather's just been perfect. It's my favorite time of year, when the lung-squid walk up the beach at night to spawn and the ocean burns just a little brighter. Both the moons are full tonight. You and Marisol should take a walk on the overlook.

MARISOL

(Fearful)

The bat-coons!

PHOEBE

Marisol, you know those are a myth. I've never heard a notion as silly as a bat-coon. Now you two go watch the mating dance of the lung-squid before the cock-a-mice come fly off with their eggs.

Marisol and Hector exit.

BRAD

That's just great. The world is burning and you're playing matchmaker.

Phoebe sashays up to Brad. She wraps her two front arms around his waist.

PHOEBE

Someone has to repopulate the world. It certainly isn't going to be us.

BRAD

It's just...you're different since you grew...that.

Phoebe flexes her third arm and strokes his face seductively

PHOEBE

This?

BRAD

No.

(Nods at crotch)

That.

BLACKOUT

Sarah Palin Debate Flowchart

 

Tip o' the hat to Mo Ryan.

My sketch *will* be arriving today. Eventually. I swear. As soon as I figure out what the hell I'm writing. I can tell you this much...it won't be about pre-school Horseman of the Apocalypse riding in atop carousel horses.

Go entertain yourself in the meantime with Michael's excellent entry. Better days, they are ahead my friends.

PTA Powerplay

John Rogers on Sarah Palin:

The thing I find fascinating is that Sarah Palin was originally popular because people could relate to her as someone they knew from their everyday lives: the bubbly, over-achiever hockey mom who really gets involved in the community. Why she's fallen, hard, is that people realized she was in fact another person they knew from their everyday lives: that crazy mom who turns even the PTA into an insane obsessive power-play and forms weird hostile rivalries she executes through byzantine yet childish plots, seasoned with a dash of Fear of Anything Different.

Live Blogging the VP Debate

I'm still pimping the new site. Just imagine, with a readership as puny as this one that's taken me a couple of years to build up, how *hard* it is to build up readership in a brand new, single-topic site. With little content. Where we've been up for only three days.

And yet...

Last night's liveblog of The Shield - which you can go and replay should you care to see it - was technically smooth. It was my first time doing more than a five-minute test with the software, and I had remarkably few issues with it. Load, we did not have. High-volume traffic, we did not have. Me and Michael, we had.

So, with a bit more headsup on a more generally interesting subject, Thursday night at 9pm EDT we're going to be liveblogging the Vice Presidential debate. There will be politics discussed, there's just no way to avoid that, but by and large this will be about the theater of the debate and less about substance (although every time either candidate avoids answering a question with empty sound bites, we'll be sure to pounce.) I'm not sure who from DreamLoom is going to be on board, but I'd certainly like to have some visitors join this time.

If you're interested - and I hope you are - come on over to the site. Here's a direct link to the liveblog post.

And when you're there, be sure to subscribe to our RSS feed, or subscribe for updates by email. I promise there's a lot more content coming soon.