21 May 2009

Greenbacks, white faces, old dead dudes.

Did you know I'm on Tumblr, too? It fills that niche between micro-blogging I get on Twitter and the full-fledged blogging I do here, or on one of my specialty sites. But sometimes, like with my weekly recaps of Sketch War, I feel a need to post in more than one place. Like this piece...

Indefensible is right. We’ve got slave owners on our currency. Sucks. But not all of the old dead white dudes were slave owners. So for those of you abroad, or those who went to school in California, Mississippi, or - well, most anywhere in America, unfortunately - here’s a primer on the dudes wot be pictured on our moolah.


  • 1¢ Freed the motherfuckin’ slaves.
  • 5¢ Screwed the motherfuckin’ slaves. Literally, I mean.
  • 10¢ Beat the shit outta Hitler.
  • 25¢ Owned slaves, but freed them on his death, so he’s got that goin’ for him.
  • 50¢ Screwed motherfuckin’ Marilyn Monroe.
  • $1 I have no idea who’s on the dollar coin right now. I don’t go to enough Indian casinos for it to matter.
Paper Currency
  • $1 Lost almost every single battle he commanded as a general. I mean, this guy’s record in futility is like the Cubs or Wile E. Coyote. Seriously. I’m not kidding. He was a bad field commander.
  • $2 Seriously? What are we two-years old and we’re getting these in a card from nana? More of the slave-fucker.
  • $5 Did I mention he freed the motherfuckin’ slaves? He also beat the shit out of the slave owners in the process.
  • $10 Bastard immigrant probably shouldn’t have deloped on the Heights of Weehawken.
  • $20 You see, there was this big block of cheese
  • $50 Right. That fellow up above who beat the shit out of the slave owners? This guy did the killin’. Beat those fuckers right back into the stone-age, or as we Yankees call it, “Georgia”.
  • $100 Flew a motherfuckin’ kite. Also, fought a bitter battle to abolish slavery at the founding of the union.