FSW: The Reunion

Newest warrior Ken got theme honors this week and selected gatherings. I've been only moderately happy with my entries of late, so I reached back several months to a sketch I'm still quite proud of for inspiration. This entry would benefit greatly from a second draft and a little polish, but I'm posting this early on Thursday morning before going offline for the weekend. I hope y'all appreciate it a bit as it stands.


I believe it is my turn to select the theme again, so I'm going to go with...ooh, this is a nasty one...funerals.


If you want to get in on the fun, email a link to your sketch - or its full text if you've got no web home - by midnight, next Friday to sketchwar at dreamloom.com


The Reunion
(ROB, late 20s and weary, wears a wrinkled dress shirt. He sits at a table in a gaily decorated high school gym. He is joined by RICH and SCOTT, also late 20s, equally rumpled.)

RICH
Cathy looks good. You should go talk to her.

ROB
I don't know, it's weird. Bill's watching.

SCOTT
Dude, it's Cathy. You mooned about her all through high school--

RICH
--since sixth grade.

SCOTT
Seriously? Then too?

RICH
Yeah. It was hilarious. He was what, five foot even, and she was as tall as she is today, but he thought he had a shot.

ROB
Thanks. I just...it's different now.

RICH
Yeah. Now you have a shot. Come on.

(ROB gets up and shuffles to CATHY's table. She's a classic blond beauty, 10 years lovelier than when she was homecoming queen.)

ROB
Hey, Cath.

CATHY
Hey, Rob. I was wondering when you'd finally come say hi.

ROB
I just...

(Freeze. DUDE-ROB, late teens and dressed like Rob but rattier, enters and stands next to Rob.)

DUDE-ROB
Aw, man she looks good! Tell her you were busy talking to your Lamborghini mechanic. Chicks dig hot cars.

ROB
No, I think I've got this, thanks.

(Unfreeze.)

ROB (CONT'D)
I just don't know what to say. Bill's here with you, right?

CATHY
Rob, things are complicated with me and Bill.

(BILL walks up. He's a classic athlete, 10 years balder and seedier than when he was a star, but still rocking his letterman's jacket. He sits opposite Cathy.)

BILL
Hey, Rob.

ROB
Uh, hi Bill.

BILL
You two keep talking. Don't mind me.

DUDE-ROB
Man, you can totally kick his ass now! Remember that atomic wedgie he gave you on the field trip to Colonial Williamsburg? Now's your chance! Get him back.

(Freeze. WISE-ROB, dressed like Rob but nattier, silver at the temples and horn-rimmed glasses, stands next to Dude-Rob.)

WISE-ROB
Violence never solved anything. Turn the other cheek.

DUDE-ROB
Pussy!

ROB
I'm not going to fight him.

(JOCK-BILL enters. He's a behemoth in his letterman's jacket. Built like a lineman with the skills of a QB.)

JOCK-BILL
Of course he's not going to fight. He's always been a pussy.

(Dude-Rob moves behind Rob to shield himself.)

WISE-ROB
William, you scare no one. (Indicates Bill) Look at you. You're probably wrestling with your inner demons as we speak, fighting to suppress your latent tendencies.

JOCK-BILL
What the hell's that mean, four-eyes.

(OLD-BILL flounces in. He's in his 50s, happy, and wearing a boa. Yes. I went there.)

OLD-BILL
Don't be rude! (Flirty to Wise-Rob) Hi, Rob!

WISE-ROB
(Uncomfortable) Uh, hello Bill.

(Everyone unfreezes.)

CATHY
Bill and I are separated. He wouldn't come tonight by himself.

ROB
Wow. I...are you guys okay?

BILL
Yeah. I'm just really confused lately.

DUDE-ROB
Goddamn right you're confused, fairy!

WISE-ROB
Rob! Grow up! (To Old-Bill) I'm sorry.

OLD-BILL
It's alright. It doesn't bother me anymore.

JOCK-BILL
I should kick your ass, old man!

OLD-BILL
As if! Bring it on, junior!

(Jock-Bill tackles Old-Bill and they thrash about on the floor. Bill watches dispassionately. Dude-Rob and Wise-Rob pretend to look away.)

ROB
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you figure things out. You were always such a cute couple.

BILL
I bet you hated me, huh?

CATHY
He didn't hate you, Billy.

BILL
It's okay. I'd have hated me. I do hate me.

(Old-Bill gets up and brushes off. Jock-Bill is down for the count.)

BILL (CONT'D)
But I'm getting better now.

(Bill gets up to leave.)

BILL (CONT'D)
I'm going to stay at my parents' tonight, okay? The house is yours.

(Bill leans over to give Cathy a chaste peck on the cheek and leaves, OLD-BILL in tow.)

DUDE-ROB
Dude, she's yours. Tap that fine ass!

WISE-ROB
"Tap that?" Are you twelve? She's a woman, not a keg at one of your salacious parties. Rob, treat her with the respect and affection you've always had for her. Ah yes, of course! The poem!

ROB
Poem? Oh, that. I don't remember it.

DUDE-ROB
I do:
(snickering)
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
I know where I'd spend that 30000!

WISE-ROB
Miscreant! I didn't mean that. I meant:
(solemn)
But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.


DUDE-ROB
Just 'cause you're about to kick the bucket don't mean he is.

ROB
Guys! I'll handle this.
(To Cathy)
You want to dance?

BLACKOUT

Link Catchup

Been busy at my crap job, so I haven't had much time to blog. Sorry, my merry band of followers. I have kept up my work over at Pop Critics, so there's a few things for you to catch up on. Here ya go...

• Burn Notice recap: "Rough Seas"
• Mad Men review: "The New Girl"
• The Middleman recap: "The Clotharian Contamination Protocol"
• Charlie Jade recap: "Choosing Sides"
• My interview with Charlie Jade's Michael Filipowich (01 Boxer)

Read, learn, love.

Sixteen arms of love

There's video above, FeedReader

Excellent animation, tells a story with beginning, middle, and end without a snip of dialog. Plus, there's a great cliffhanger.

I really like the consistency of the in-world physics and the elasticity of everything. As appropriate to this type of animation, everything that moves can bend, from a tentacle all the way to a truck.

Friday Night Sketch War: Back to School Edition

We've been ambushed! Michael gave us this week's theme and we set about sharpening our bayonets and targeting our rockets and seducing our Rockettes. Before either of us (or David, still bone-weary from last week's beatdown) could get in a shot, our newest and boldest battler launched a salvo!

David might still throw a last-minute grenade in this week, but all he's going to pick off are the nurses and medical corpsmen tending the wounded at this point. But next week, we could have a four-man or even five-man battle royale! Hell, it could be more if anyone else feels brave and bold enough to join in. The theme for next week was selected by Ken, our newest warrior: gatherings.

If you want to try your luck, email your sketch, or a link to where it's posted to sketchwar AT dreamloom.com by midnight on Friday.

• Ken launches Greek fire from his desk, getting the smart kids to calculate trajectories...
• Coyote put on his defensive armor too late...
• Michael danced between raindrops across the battlefield.

We've got the sad truth of NCLB, the Softer Side of Sears, and a typical day in a rust belt city this week. Lots of good stuff.

FSW: New Pants

Michael selected this week's theme: back to school. I thought about using a scene from my spec sequel to the Rodney Dangerfield classic, but it's just too good to waste on the likes of y'all. Instead I give you...

NEW PANTS
(TOM, early 40s with a comb-over and MEMBERS ONLY JACKET, and his son BRANDON, 11 and old enough to be embarrassed by his father, eat cereal at a kitchen table.)

BRANDON
But mom promised she'd take me to the mall this weekend!

TOM
I know sport, but your Aunt Tina hasn't had her baby yet. Mom can't just up and leave her right now, you know that.

BRANDON
I know. But school starts Tuesday and I don't got new clothes.

TOM
(Gently chiding) Don't have.

BRANDON
Sorry. I don't have new clothes. It's just it's a new school and--

TOM
--and you don't want to start it off on the wrong foot. I know. I remember what it's like. I was a kid once too, you know. Tell you what, how about the old man takes you clothes shopping instead?

BRANDON
You?

TOM
Yes me! Your mom's not the only fashion plate around this house, you know. Back in my single days I used to be a pretty snappy dresser. How else do you think I landed a babe like your mom?

BRANDON
I thought she felt bad her boyfriend ran you over?

TOM
Haha! Chuck didn't run me over, he just dinged my Corolla up pretty good. Your mom was so sweet, making sure he finally paid me for the repairs. But by then it was too late. She was a victim of the Tom-bomb. (BEAT) So how about it sport? You and me, trolling the mall for chicks and clothes?

BRANDON
Eww...

(Lights down and back up. Tom sits at the table, now piled with folded clothes. Brandon enters.)

BRANDON
What's all this?

TOM
I figured it's your last chance to sleep late before the school year starts and you're busy all the time, so I didn't wake you. But I was so excited, I went out and did all your clothes' shopping for you!

BRANDON
You...what? But how did you--

TOM
--I had a little trouble finding you pants.

(Brandon picks up a rugby shirt with bold stripes. He picks up six just like it as his father talks.)

TOM
Can you believe that mall your mom likes doesn't have a Sears?

(Brandon's eyes widen in terror.)

TOM
Had to run over to the Shelbyville Town Centre, but they must have been out.

BRANDON
Out?

TOM
Yeah, that's what we get for shopping so late, I guess. But don't worry, I stopped by your gramma's house and found my old stash.

(You thought Brandon's eyes were wide in terror before? They're Tex Avery-like now! Lights down again and back up. Brandon wears one of the rugby shirts and a pair of tan Toughskins.)

TOM
You look sharp, Brand!

BRANDON
My knees! I can't bend my knees!

TOM
Keep trying, you'll break 'em in eventually!

BLACKOUT

I'm going to get irrationally exuberent on your ass!

Chris Sims: Comics Prescriptivist.

P. 79 - Manhunter #35: Hang on for a second while I grab the Nerd Hat… Ah, there we go. Okay, so the solicitation for this issue says that “Kate uses the Fed’s own weapons against them.” Now, do they mean that she uses the Feds’ own weapons against them, or is Manhunter going to start fighting crime by adjusting interest rates? Will she finally be ending the Motley Fool’s reign of terror?

Either you know why this is the funniest grammar joke of the day or you don't.

Tiny Terrors, but Funny

I'm not a fan of children. I've no interest in having my own and you can imagine how that bodes for my interest in *other* people's. However, twice in the last two days, I've been amused by amateur videos featuring kids.

Yesterday, it was a Star Wars VII sequel an enterprising guy made with his two very little children. That's right below.



The children are too young, but the video is funny nonetheless. I especially find it humorous when little Noah tries an evil laugh. Failed evil laughs are always funny (ie: Dr. Horrible.)

Then just a few minutes ago I saw Bully had posted this awesome shot-for-shot of the trailer from The Dark Knight.



Excellent stuff. I might not like kids, and their sticky-jammy fingers and snotty noses might disgust me, but if people make good funny videos with them, I'm not going to object.

Friday Night Sketch War: Payroll Edition

This week sees the return of the three-man battle royale edition, and to grease the skids for his reentry to the fight, David picked this week's theme. And then? He just managed to set his bomb off with seconds to spare in the fight!

Next week's theme has been selected by Michael and is back to school. I think this is a good time for someone else to enter the fray with a surprise attack. We're bloodied, weary, and too focused on the fight in front to see a sneak sketch from behind. If you want to try your luck next week, email your sketch, or a link to where it's posted to sketchwar AT dreamloom.com by midnight on Friday.

• Coyote kicks up some dust and lays down the law with an out-of-time cowpoke...
• Michael lets us know the recession hits everyone hard...
• David is very truthy, and everyone knows it.

Read, learn, love. And get writing your own sketches, people. Clearly, anyone can do it.

FSW: Highway Robbery

Not my best work. I'm going to leave it at that. I think it's a cute-ish setup, and I don't mind the payoff, but it's clunky and clumsy and the dialog sucks. Sorry. Blame David for picking this week's theme of payroll. Michael's up for next week's theme. My fingers are crossed that it doesn't hurt quite like this one!
 

(Payroll department. TIM, 30s and beige as the cubes and carpet of his department, sits at his desk. MARY, late 20s but holding tight to her early 20s, stands at his side.)
TITLE: WELLS FARGO SOUTHWEST REGIONAL DATA CENTER, PAYROLL DEPARTMENT, PAYDAY, 11:59AM.

MARY
I don’t understand why we don’t just send out an email.

TIM
Corporate needs hard copies of everyone’s AR-13s, in triplicate.

MARY
Tree killers.

TIM
That’s just the way things are done. If we don’t get those in, no one’s getting paid next month.

MARY
I know, I know. I’ll take care of it. I just don’t know why it’s got to be this way.

TIM
Personally, I like doing things the old way. I like knowing I’ve got a file cabinet filled with all the documents I need to get us through any audit. What do you have with an email?

(Gunfire announces the arrival of THREE COWPOKES, dusty, mustachioed, and 120 years too late. Ringleader DALE steps front and center and shoots his two six-shooters.)

DALE
Yeehah! Alright you lily-livered hangdogs. Hand over the loot.

MARY
Sir, you can’t fire guns in--

(Dale shoots Mary. Dead.)

DALE
Yeehah!

TIM
(sighing)
Great. Do you know how long it takes to train a good payroll clerk? What do you want.

DALE
We’re aimin’ to take your payroll off your hands, pardner.

TIM
Take our...you want to steal our payroll?

DALE
You betcha!
(to henchmen)
He ain’t the sharpest fella, is he?

TIM
You do realize that most of our employees just have direct deposit, right?

DALE
What in tarnation is that?

TIM
Pay is deposited directly into their bank accounts. No paychecks, no cash. All they get is a stub.

DALE
Goldang it all! The world’s just changin’ too fast for this ol’ outlaw.

TIM
I know how you feel.

DALE
I s’pose they get medical, too.

TIM
And dental.

(Dale raises his eyebrow suggestively. Lights come down and back up. Tim sits alone at his desk. Dale comes up in the same dusty cowboy gear. He shoots into the air.)

TITLE: WELLS FARGO SOUTHWEST REGIONAL DATA CENTER, PAYROLL DEPARTMENT, ONE WEEK LATER

DALE
Yeehah! Here are them AR-13s, boss!

BLACKOUT

Recaps Roundup

Here are a few links to me elsewhere over the last few days...

• Charlie Jade recap
• Middleman recap
• Mad Men recap
• Burn Notice recap
  

Phew! That's a lotta words.

You so ugly!

Tell me again, we let them play in the world with decent people why?

They faced a dilemma because although Lin was prettier, seven-year-old Yang had the better voice, Mr Chen said.

"After several tests, we decided to put Lin Miaoke on the live picture, while using Yang Peiyi's voice," he told the radio station.

"The reason for this is that we must put our country's interest first," he added.

China. Making American stagemothers look like amateurs since the Ling Dynasty.

Here's a suggestion: Shrub is happy to hang out with the beach volleyball girls whereever they are, right? So keep Misty and wasshername in China, along with Dara Torres and Michael Phelps (I just hate the two of them so very much) and shut the doors down after the closing ceremonies. I mean, permanently. A permanent lockdown.

Short scene competition

I've got a short scene in competition at The Rouge Wave. It's not a huge deal, but being massively competitive of course I want to win. Take a look at the three finalists and vote for your favorite.

FSW: Walt and the Olympics

Today's the Disney-ABC deadline. My application got in the mail yesterday, but in honor of the day, I suggested that this week's theme should be Disney. Hope you enjoy. Next week's theme *should* be up to David, but if he's not fully back in the battle, it'll fall to Michael.
 

(A lab. An odd mixture of modern and Gernsback-inspired equipment. THREE MEN in white lab coats hover over a metal tube. WALT DISNEY sleeps inside.)
TITLE: TODAY. A TOP-SECRET LAB DEEP BENEATH EPCOT CENTER.

PERRAULT
His vitals are almost normal, he should be up any--

(Walt pops up. A bell goes off.)

WALT
Oh boy, that was a good nap. Heya fellas.

HAND
It worked! It really worked!

WALT
Well of course it did, son. This is the best reanimation equipment money can buy. What's the date?

HAND
2008. August 2008.

WALT
That was a little longer than I expected. Darn. Tell me, how's the company doing? Did it get by alright once our copyrights went into the public domain?

LUSKE
Into the...no. Mr. Disney, we still have all our copyrights.

WALT
You did say 2008, right son?

HAND
Yessir.

LUSKE
You can thank Sonny Bono.

PERRAULT
Sonny Bono's dead.

HAND
Actually, he's in that tube over there.

WALT
Alright. So we've still got our characters. Good. What else. (BEAT) Hey! It's 2008. It's an Olympiad!

HAND
Yessir. Would you like to watch them while you're finishing your recovery?

WALT
Sure! Who doesn't love the Olympics?

(A TV is turned on, and we hear Bob Costas spinning a melodramatic tale of woe over a John Tesh score. Walt's face drops as he watches.)

WALT
Where the hell is Jim McKay?!?

CUT TO:

(Another lab room, the same mixture of high and sci-fi tech. Walt stands behind a bank of monitors and a board. The three techs operate the board.)
TITLE: 2012. A TOP-SECRET LAB BENEATH EPCOT CENTER

WALT
Hit is, boys!

(On the screens, we see an Animatronic JIM MCKAY.)

MCKAY
Hello. Welcome to ABC Sports coverage of the Thirtieth Olympiad. I'm Jim McKay.

BLACKOUT

2009 Disney-ABC application almost out...

I've locked down my Pushing Daisies spec, finished up my Disney-ABC application materials, and will be putting it in the mail tomorrow. I'd like to give shout outs to Beckylooo, Emily, Isabel, Kari, Liz, Michael, Rob, and TheWife for all their feedback at various stages in the process. Your input (especially the beatdown *someone* gave a draft I thought was *good*) helped make this as good as it is.

I'm pretty damn happy with it, and it wouldn't be near as good if it weren't for all y'all.

I've included a scene I'm quite fond of below. And yes, I know. My action lines are still too long. I'm working on it. My next spec will be a marvel in adjective- and adverb-free writing, I swear.

Oh, and Scribd can suck my cock. I looked, but I see no copyright options other than Creative Commons. In general, I support CC licensing. Not for this, thanks. Of course, it's already been registered with the WGA-W, so it doesn't really matter, but that still pisses me off. They need to allow for licensing other than CC.

There's a PDF plugin below, FeedReader.

Pushing Daisies scene - Upload a Document to Scribd

Read this document on Scribd: Pushing Daisies scene

This message is totally hot

There's video above, FeedReader

Honestly, if she were 35 and in a headsup race with John McCain, there's no doubt my vote would be Hilton.

No, I'm not kidding. He's that pathetic.

Buffy the Animated Slayer

There's video above, FeedReader
Wow. Woulda been good. Sadly, now it would have to be done without SMG, I suspect. Even in voice-form only, I don't think she wants Buffy dangling around her neck (with a miniature cross dangling about hers) any more.

via Whedonesque

Friday Night Sketch War: Procrastina-a-tion...

...is making me wait.

It's been a few weeks since I've done a Sketch War roundup, but we've been running strong. Michael and I have been fighting enameled-mouth-grinder and keratin-back-scratcher for weeks, and were happily rejoined by David and his rock-n-roll zombies this week.

The rules have changed recently. Our weekly battles are now themed instead of free-for-alls. The theme for this week's brawl was selected by Michael based on our usual approach to writing our sketches: procrastination. For those playing along at home and those of you brave enough to step onto the killing fields, next week's theme is Disney. Write your Disney-themed sketch and send it, or a link to it, to sketchwar AT dreamloom.com. Now, onto the mayhem!

• Coyote reaches back in time to a simpler age of short-sleeved dress shirts and black ties to tell a tale of engineering procrastination...
• Michael plays with his Wii...
• David slips on the floor. Eww!. His sketch gets a review from Andrew Stanton.

Enjoy!