Alamo Futility

Target, large and still
Hovering scant feet distant.
Bend. Extend. Clank. End.

Sadly, I expect the same results in China

Hehehehehehehe!!!

And I bet y'all thought my tourney was a big bust! The Zags down in the first round. My beloved Huskies down in the first round. What joy could remain?

The greatest joy of all, of course!

DUCK FUKE!!!

Oh, and I picked that one too! I'm currently sitting unbelievably high, in the 99.8th percentile on the national bracket. Of course, that's today. Wait until all those games go by where Connecticut *doesn't* win. I'm doomed. but I'm happy! Ratface is going home this weekend, too.

DUCK FUKE!!!

Liveblog: UConn USD Overtime

Trying something new...there's a live blog below.

FSW: The Pep Talk

I'd like to pre-apologize for this sketch. My week so far:

• dirty, nasty unclean hands of a salad chef (I believe that was the source) gave me salmonella on Tuesday
• I tried desperately to give it back, all of it back, on Wednesday (and today)
• Got to work at 4am this morning so I could make it home in time to watch the tourney (when is this Highest of High Holy Days going to be made a national holiday?!?)
• Watched a shitload of basketball (meanwhile, I frequently unloaded much shit)
• Hammered out this sketch while watching WVU kick UA's asses!!! (I hate the Pac-10.)

So yeah, it's not very good. :(

The Pep Talk
(Locker room, we see the backs of a few players sitting quietly, heads bowed. Coach Lou Calipahounewski walks in with a clipboard and a disgusted look on his face. He stands in front of the players silently for a few seconds, shaking his head.)

COACH
That has got to be the most godawful half of basketball I've ever seen. What the fuck are you doing out there? Can you tell me that? Can anyone answer me that? What the fuck are you --

PLAYER 1
-- they're just too --

COACH
-- if I wanted you to speak, I'd ask a goddamn question! Did I ask a goddamn question?

(Tick, tick, tick)

COACH (CONT)
Did I?!?

PLAYER 2
I think you --

COACH
No I did not! (He throws his clipboard; it shatters.) I didn't ask any fucking questions!!! Billy! You have those stats yet?

(An assistant scurries over with another clipboard and sheepishly hands it to Coach Lou.)

COACH (CONT)
Three rebounds? We had three rebounds? Three boards to their 17. That makes me sick. Johnson? Son, you need to box out. What did we work on all week long?

(Tick, tick, tick)

COACH (CONT)
Johnson?! You deaf, boy?!

JOHNSON
Boxing out?

COACH
That's right, boxing out. Get up here. Get up here and show me how you box out!

(Johnson walks to the front of the room and stands next to Coach Lou. He gets into a defensive crouch, hands at the ready, and boxes out.)

COACH (CONT)
No, goddamn it! No! How many times do I have to show you this?

(Coach Lou drops the clipboard and gets into a crouch, but it isn't a defensive one. He arches his back, puts his hands on his hips, shoves his ass into Johnson, and starts to grind. "Shake That Thing" starts playing in the background.)

COACH (CONT)
That's right. That's the way to work it. That's how you box out.

(Coach gets more and more into it until finally Johnson, in a mixture of fear and disgust, backs away.)

COACH (CONT)
See what I did there? I own the paint. I own the paint. You box out like that in the second half, Johnson. (Picking up the clipboard) Robinson! One assist. One assist to seven turnovers?!? Come on. That's not how we play ball. Thats not how we play ball at all. You've gotta protect the ball, Jeremy. Billy! Give me a ball!

(A ball is passed to Coach Lou. The clipboard goes flying. The ball goes flying. Coach Lou goes flying. He picks himself back up off the floor and holds the ball in his hands.)

COACH (CONT)
Remember what I always say: two dribbles is two too many. Always look to pass. You can move the ball faster passing it than dribbling it. (Starts dribbling. The way he does it is more like he's spanking the ball for being naughty.) If you have to dribble, remember to keep your eye on the ball. Don't look around or you'll lose sight of that big, round (slapping it more forcefully) hard ball. And use both hands, don't just rely on your right hand. (He dribbles once with his left, but loses complete control of the ball and it smacks him in the face, knocking him back to the floor. He gets up and passes the ball off screen with as limp-wristed a motion as can be imagined.)

BILLY (O.S.)
Two minutes, Coach.

COACH
Alright guys, gather round.
They said we wouldn't win a game and they were wrong. We won that exhibition game against Lazy Pines back in September.
They said we wouldn't win our conference tourney and they were wrong. I knew once that blizzard hit the 94 the Governor was going to declare a state of emergency and shut down all the roads to Fargo.
They said we wouldn't win the play-in game and they were wrong. Though that bad shrimp in the other locker room was a one in a million break.

Look fellas, we've been through a lot. I want to tell you about another fella I know who went through a lot. Fella by the name of George. Now I'm going to tell you something I've kept to myself for years. None of you ever knew George. He was long before your time, but you all know what a tradition he is. One of the greatest natural athletes I've ever seen. Could jump straight out of the gym, run all day, and still be getting into trouble when everyone else was ready for sleep. But George wasn't just an athlete. He was a student, always questioning, always curious. Well, curiosity finally caught up with George one day. The last thing he said to me was "eep eep eeeeep! eep eep eeeeep!!!"

Now I'm not a religious man. I don't know if there's a heaven or hell, or a separate monkey heaven and monkey hell. But if there is - I mean, either the one heaven and hell for everyone, or possibly the separate monkey heaven and hell - George is up there watching. So go out there with all you've got and win just one for the monkey.

BLACKOUT

Good Knight in Lubbock

Lubbock mourns tonight
Red Raiders' red-faced sage gone
Bobby packs it in

Separated at birth: Stern and Counter

Wow. Usually it's pretty easy to tell who's the biggest jackhole when you put photos side-by-side like that. Normally, Stern would get the nod over anyone but maybe Ann Coulter, David Horowitz, or Lars Ulrich. This week, one would expect Nick Counter would take the Prix de Booby. And he was. Miles and miles ahead of Stern.

Looks like the commish had a problem with that.

NBA commissioner David Stern warned Thursday that if the SuperSonics leave Seattle he sees no way the league would ever return to the city.

"I'd love to find a way to keep the team there," he said, "because if the team moves, there's not going to be another team there, not in any conceivable future plan that I could envision, and that would be too bad."

At a news conference following his announcement that the 2009 All-Star Game would be held in Phoenix, Stern criticized the city of Seattle and the Washington legislature for its handling of the issue of funding a replacement for Key Arena.

Stern repeated earlier criticism of the mayor and city council for promoting a measure, overwhelmingly passed by voters, that requires any funds to help build an arena earn money at the same rate as a treasury bill.

C'mon people! First those bastard writers demand pennies in residuals and then a billionaire can't get taxpayers to pony up for an arena? Bunch o' goddamn commies! Don't you people get it?

1. Trickle-up all your money to the wealthiest .001%
2. 
   
3. Profit

From Deering High to Arco Arena

Man, I hate to repeat myself. I wanted to post a Hang Time clip in honor of Reggie Theus being named Kings head coach. But I already posted a clip (and name-checked Anthony Anderson) back during the tourney when NMSU hung tough against the Longhorns.

Bummer.

Oh the hell with it. Classic tv is classic tv.

Down 3-2, but with extra carbs for energy

This would have made me smile a lot more if they could have held on in the fourth last night. It would probably make y'all smile more if I'd adjusted my celly's camera to get the colors truer. I mean they were seriously, shockingly purple and orange.

Two great tastes that taste great together

One used to be the Greatest Living Writer^TM and the other was a challenger to Mateen Cleaves's towel-waving crown. Here's a great, ongoing email exchange about the playoffs between Neal and Paul.

Pops' Goon Squad

Either Cheap Shot Bob is the smartest baller to ever roam the hardwoods, or Pops has got John Chaney on speed dial. At this stage in his career, Horry doesn't provide the same offensive fireworks as in his clutch past, but he might still be this series' MVP. It all depends on how PHX reacts.

Yep. Duncan and Bowen jumped on the floor in the 2nd quarter. Yep. Stu-Ball didn't suspend Tim-may. I'll say one thing about all this: I for one no longer believe the commish rigs anything that goes on in the Association. Dick Bavetta really calls 'em as he sees 'em, the Knicks really won the Ewing draft, and the league doesn't care if anyone watches the finals.

If I were D'Antoni, I'd be playing Jalen Rose a lot on Wednesday. Whenever Tim-may's out and Parker's on the floor, I'd send Jalen in to "guard" Parker. Clearly, the NBA approves of NHL-style enforcers in principle; though they will suspend the enforcer, they will reward the team. Let's see if Tim-may can keep his ass glued to the bench.

Joey T's up Dick

So Joey Crawford considers it "a travesty in itself [Dick Bavetta] even being in the finals." Finally, a ref says something with which we can all agree. Uh, an ex-ref, I guess.

VCU/Pitt...so close!

Is it only 12 days ago that this year's Cinderella knocked out last year's Cinderella in the CAA Championship game?!? There's less than 2:30 to go in this Round of 32 game against Pitt and I'm starting to believe! Beating Duke was nothing. They're undermanned and under-coached¹ and rely on Greg Paulus to handle the rock. Might as well have me be their damn PG. But Pitt?

1:40 - VCU's just tied it up for the first time since early in the first half. Incredible. Odds are, I'll end up tossing this post by game's end. I mean, what chance do they really have against Jamie Dixon's confident, experienced, Big East bruisers?

Ball's in...a shot, a rebound, a tie-up - Rams' ball!

1:23 - walking the ball up court. Oh my! VCU's first lead, and then Pitt flies down the court and counters!

:30 - shot, almost an offensive board...

NO! Levance Fields is fouled by VCU with 2.1 on the clock and the score knotted up. He misses the first, misses the second; we're going to OT!

A 51-32 run in the final twelve minutes to tie up the game.

CBS keeps trying to bounce me to the 2OT Vandy-Wazzu game in Sacto, but DirecTv seems on top of the situation for once and re-bounces me back to the game I want. Mind you, I'm jumping to that game on my second feed anyway, but I've been so engrossed by the Rams' comeback that I didn't realize a second extra frame had started at Arco.

Crap. See? I was over at the Vandy/Wazzu game. Missed the tip and first minute of OT.

I had a bunch of live-blogging on the final four minutes of OT, but with Pitt pulling it out I don't see much point in keeping it (and cleaning it up.) Suffice it to say, the Rams fought long and hard to catch up to the Panthers, leaving them very little in the tank for an extra five minutes of play. Jamal Schuler got them back within three, following his own missed layup, but Pitt kept breaking the VCU traps. No stops, no steals, and Pitt just kept scoring from the line. It was a nice effort, though. Certainly one of the more exciting games of this first weekend.

---

¹ Coach K is the Phil Jackson of college ball. Give him a team of all-stars and he'll do peachy. Give him anything less and...well...when was his last Elite 8?

Buckeyes Squeak by Musketeers (and avoid them for another 20 years)

INT. MIAMI BEACH SENIOR CENTER

DIKEMBE MUTOMBO AND DANNY ALMONTE SIT IN OVERSTUFFED CHAIRS IN A LARGE ROOM, WEARING ROBES AND SLIPPERS. THERE ARE EMPTY BEER BOTTLES AND PIZZA BOXES ON THE COFFEE TABLE IN FRONT OF THEM. EACH MAN HAS AN IV TO THE SIDE OF HIS SEAT.

DEKE
I hope today's games are more exciting than the first round.

DANNY
Si. I can't believe all those favorites winning in blow-outs. This has got to be the most boring tourney I've ever seen. This is worse than when my papi and I used to watch Coach Wooden's teams.

DEKE
I know. We didn't get much basketball in the Congo, but my mother took me to one of the American hotels in Kinshasa to watch Texas Western beat Kentucky. That was an exciting game.

DANNY
Greg needs to be careful out there. (BEAT) He doesn't want to break his other hip before the draft.

DEKE
But losing this early won't be good for his draft position, either. Though he's too old to be playing at all. (BEAT) Ohio State refuses to play Xavier for a good reason, I see.

DANNY
Watch. They'll come back. He's got a lot of good, young talent around him.

DEKE
There's not much time left. (BEAT) Yes! But they've got to foul quickly!

DANNY
Greg's got him...

DEKE
...but he's shoved him!

DANNY
No!!

DEKE
That's two and possession! The game's over.

DANNY
Wait...they didn't call the intentional! They didn't call it! We've got a chance...Overtime! Overtime! Overtime!

Tourney Day 2 Recap

Two days, 32 games, one round complete, and only five upsets. I don't know if the selection committee was prescient, or if they just cheated. I suspect the former, since I haven't seen Dick Bavetta prowling the hardwood, though there was some very bad officiating, like the trip in the Maryland/Davidson game that was called a travel on the victim or Greg Paulus going over and back right in front of an "official" and drawing no call.¹

Still, it's been a fun opening round with at least a modicum of excitement. Some of today's games were fortunately more closely fought than yesterday's, pushing me to the literal edge of my seat a few times. I hope the Round of 32 will be tighter yet.

---

¹ That official was particularly egregious in the Duke game. His head was so far up Coach K's ass that...insert your own Dickie V joke here.

Aggies are Burnt Orange, 79-67

Close. So close. Texas going down woulda busted up my bracket pretty painfully, since I have them besting UNC and The Phantom of Chapel Hill in the Sweet 16, but I'm always a fan of a good upset (and hate Rick Barnes.)

Had Reggie Theus had his old star Anthony Anderson, the Aggies might have been able to counter Kevin Durant. Oh well.

Tourney Day 1 Recap

Whoooo! That was quite a day (not). There were a few scares for the favorites - UNC up by four midway through the 2nd half, G'Town looking shell-shocked for the start of their game, Maryland almost going down to a game Davidson squad, Pitt trying to rely on outside shooting - but none of them lost. Oh. Wait. I forgot.

DUKE LOST! DUKE LOST! DUKE LOST!

I think Dan Shanoff summed it up nicely on his little piece of the interwebs. At least he captured the feeling we Duke Haters have right now.

It would have been a perfect day if a single freakin' Zag could have made a layup!!!!!!!!! Soooooo happy we didn't fly to Sac and just stayed home with the TV. I think I'd have slapped Kuso. Defending is only half the battle, Abdullahi! Derek Raivio summed the performance nicely in the post-game presser:

"Some of our guys played passive," a stone-faced Raivio said. "You know, it looked like it wasn't meant to be. We had easy shots on the rim, but we just couldn't knock them down."

As for my pool prospects this year, I'm still alive after half the first round, so that's something. I haven't lost one of my round-of-32 picks yet, so - as my teachers used to say - I still have lots of potential.

Tomorrow...UNR! Fazekas! Kemp!

March Madness Came One Day Early This Year

Holy Crap!!!

It's like David Stern and the NBA have a personal gripe against the NIT. I don't really think 'Cuse/S. Alabama had much of a chance against the Suns in Dallas.

The Suns/Mavs game tonight was one of the top five games of the season, easily. The only thing keeping this from being one of the best games of the past decade was a sloppy first quarter from the Mavs and third quarter from the Suns. And even that added to the drama. I can think of no better way to start off the next four days - hunkered in the bunker, pizza guy on speed dial, potables at hand, chips and dip at the other hand, satellite beaming and laptops streaming - than with tonight's insane matchup. I am STOKED.

To us, it was sort of a college game...

As winter's tight grip on the land gives way to the first signs of spring - brown-shorted delivery drivers, ducklings, the call of the northern Rafftery - a boy's thoughts naturally turn to one thing: college basketball. My Zags? In. My Huskies? So far out, Calhoun's not going to have to worry about lining up travel for the NIT. The mighty Wolfpack? In, riding on the sturdy backs of Nick Fazekas and Marcelus Kemp.

So where was I last night? Was I at home, watching the Big East tourney (sans Huskies) or catching a mid-major championship? Nope. We went to see the Suns host the Charlotte Bobcats.

That's not as strange as it seems at first... it's our only chance this year to see Ammo in person and to watch the greatest center in UConn history. Or Jake Voskuhl. Uh, I didn't know Mek had a calf strain. Jake did have a double-double, though. Despite the plethora of downed Bobcats (Sean May in streets), it was a shockingly tight game - up and down for most of the night - and, with a valiant effort, the Bobcats forced OT.

The game would have been even more fun had it not been so poorly officiated - though, other than Amare's two Ts, it was evenly atrocious. Ammo showed the same offensive single-mindedness that served him so well for three years in Spokane, finishing the night with 22 and 5, with three assists. The latter was deflated, however, since he made at least four other beautiful passes that should have been converted. Now, if someone would just teach him a proper defensive stance so he'd stop standing around like Lurch, he might be less of a liability on that end of the court. I guess MJ is too busy to spend time on his first draft pick for the Bobcats - just like he was too busy for Kwame.

I was shocked to see the Bobcats play a mix of matchup and (stagnant) 2-3 zone, but with 42 minutes of Morrison, I shouldn't have been. It must have surprised the Suns a bit, as they didn't do much to pick at the seams in the short-corner and free-throw line but just jacked and jacked and jacked from the arc. Then again, when you can hit 19 treys in a game, maybe there's no reason to bother attacking the zone.

Sadly, I believe we've decided not to renew our tix for next year. There are just too many non-basketball things about a game at AWA that annoy us: the worst (read: narrow selection of nigh-inedible) food of any arena I've ever seen; incessant promotions and inanity (our dancers, old women dancers, old men dancers, little girl dancers, the Adio Sol Patrol); and a complete disregard for the basketball fans in the arena. When the game's on, I really don't want some jackhole from the promotions staff coming into my section to block the court view so we can all cheer for *Taco Bell*.

If they'd put aside one section for basketball fans, and we could get tix in that section, we'd renew. As it stands, I think we'll probably just go to a few games next year and spend the savings on a new tv and NBA League Pass.

One and Done

And, we're done. As a small consolation, I won't have to spend time watching them in the NIT this year. Maybe next year, Jeff Adrien will suck less?

Johnny Wins the All-Valley!!!

I didn't see the Duke-UNC game yesterday, and hadn't seen video of Gerald Henderson's intentional forearm shiver until this morning. It looked like a cross between a WWF^* grudge match and the penultimate fight in Karate Kid, when Daniel-san's leg gets jacked. Deadspin's got the video of the hit, along with Billy Packer's incessant whining that it was unintentional.

Anyway, I thought I'd see if I couldn't find that KK fight on YouTube...I failed, but I failed spectacularly. Check out this awesome music video, directed by the incomparable Billy Zabka!!!

---

^* Suck it, World Wildlife Federation!