05 July 2009

July 5, 1939

"Lou? You awake?"

Lou opened his eyes and squinted against the late afternoon sun, Eleanor's silhouette ebon against the azure sky.

"Yeah. Just enjoying the sun on my face."

"We should pack up, don't you think?"

"Let's lie here a bit longer."

"Okay."

Eleanor looked at Lou's face in repose. There were more laugh lines than she remembered, but he still looked so young. It wasn't fair.

"Hey Ellie? What I said yesterday? I was wrong." He squeezed her hand; his grip felt strong as ever. "Today. Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth."

20 June 2009

Taking to the Streets

I posted this originally on Tumblr in response to another poster who was excited to see the young people of Iran fighting to take their country back from 30 years of oppression and fundamentalism. I see that possibility too, but I can't really help but see that with three levels of observational bias in play. Besides, being a misanthrope and cynic means I don't buy into the hype of hope. Ever.
===
I agree that we’re seeing a lot of young people expressing their anger and resentment and desire for change. These brave souls - and I think they are nothing if not brave and a also little righteous - are risking life for the pursuit of liberty and happiness. I sit here, comfortable in my western lifestyle and struggling to remember how long it’s been since I felt the hot passion for justice burn so hot I needed to do something. Needed to march, scream, protest, fight. It’s been a long time.

But we’ve got a double dose of observational bias - actually a triple dose - acting here. First off, we’ve got our own prejudices coloring what we see. Then we’ve got the media choosing what to show us, framing their narratives in ways that are compelling and speak to their audience. Finally and most significantly, we only see the young people who are expressing their anger and resentment.

We don’t see any of the young people who think things have been hunky-dory under the mullahs, who think the regime is swell. Are they a small minority? Or are they, to repurpose a hideous moniker, a silent majority? We don’t know and really can’t know. We can’t know because Iran isn’t open. Which, depending on the answer, might be very ironic. If the protesters represent a relatively small and vocal minority, it would be in Iran’s best interests to show us that. But that would require them to be an open and free society. And who’d be protesting then?

15 June 2009

Sketch War: Pirates Wrapup

I’ve been lax the last few weeks in wrapping up the battles. But this week I was Shanghaied and conscripted to service aboard the ‘Bountiful Booty’. It’s write this wrapup or scrape the barnacles off Captain Jack’s peg leg.

I also recommend heading back through the archives and seeing the battles you may have missed since my last wrapup. Think about the great sketches you didn't see on the state of healthcare, liar liar, pants on fire, or my favorite: twisted children's shows.


If you thought pirates were interesting, wait until you see what the sketch warriors do with their kissing cousins: hippies.

If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH or WOMAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a sketch and contact us at submissions(nospam)@sketchwar.org.

14 June 2009

Reading is Funda--

13 June 2009

Mr. Anthrope

11 June 2009

Art History My Way

I've been lax around these parts lately, doing most of my small posts on Tumblr instead of here. It's a simpler, cleaner, quicker interface for short-form posts and other than sketches and TV reviews, that's mostly what I've been cranking out lately. Really short pieces, barely longer than what I might Tweet. If y'all aren't already following me over there, you should - either through Tumblr's follow mechanism if you've got an account or through the RSS feed.

But anyway...

I've been doing this series of pieces that I think are worth reposting here, so below are the first three. Hope you enjoy.


 
In September 1938, Mondrian left Paris in the face of advancing fascism and moved to London. After the Netherlands were invaded and Paris fell in 1940, he left London for New York City, where he would remain until 1970 when his agent, Ruben Kincaid, suggested he and his five children could find some success taking their painting act on the road.

Mondrian was the most accomplished artist of the group, but the contributions of his children should not be overlooked. His youngest daughter Tracy for example, while possessing none of the skills of her father or older siblings, was quite adept at stretching canvases and skins, even pioneering a technique for stretching animal skins across a ring-shaped frame called a tambourine. The eldest child, Keith Mondrian, eventually became a bigger draw than his famous father as young women flocked to see him paint in tight pants.

The Mondrians toured successfully for four years thanks to the shrewd decisions of Kincaid and middle child, Danny. Danny Mondrian’s later problems due to his violent temper and sexual proclivities have been attributed by many to his atypical teen-aged years, but no one can question the quality of art he produced during that period.

—Laurence Funderkirk, The Modern Dutch Masters (Weehawken: Bergen County Community College Press, 1997), 212.

 
The breakup of Ernst and Guggenheim sent shockwaves through the New York art world that would have repercussions for years to come. All throughout 1946, the question on everyone’s lips at cocktail parties and gallery shows was, “Are you Peggy or are you Max?” The factions that formed that spring and summer stood aligned against one another until decades past Ernst’s death at the hands of Czech Neo-Expressionists.
The tempestuous heiress brooked no quarter, destroying the futures of dozens of promising artists for no more than expressing sympathy for Ernst. However, for confidants such as Miró, Guggenheim showed even less mercy.

Blacklisted, the Spaniard was unable to find work through the 1940s and ’50s. Not until the mid ’60s did he finally secure a position working on background cels for Hanna-Barbera. While he worked under a pseudonym, astute observers on Guggenheim’s payroll did eventually spot his signature on a single frame and brought it to her attention in the autumn of 1971.

—Emily Rothschild-Messerschmitt, The Story of Miró (Batemans Bay, NSW: Eurobodalla Adult Education Centre Press, 1983), 669.

 
Recent scholarship by renowned art historian Al Jaffee has shed new light on Hieronymous Bosch’s masterpiece, The Garden of Earthly Delights. Focusing on the grisaille on the back of the panels, Jaffee has concluded that the famed triptych was conceived of as a pentaptych.

The Garden was recently on loan to the William Maxwell Gaines Gallery in midtown where Jaffee is employed as the chief archivist. He examined the panels under the gallery’s electron microscope and discovered evidence that a message was cleverly hidden, only visible when folded shut in the appropriate configuration.

“Without the missing panels, I couldn’t say what Bosch’s message was,” Jaffee said. “It’s enough to drive me mad.”

Even if Jaffee can deduce the missing message on the back of the panels, the larger question remains as to what graced their fronts.

“Knowing those panels are out there means we might be able to find them someday,” Jaffee mused over lukewarm coffee in his office. “I hope whatever’s to the right of hell is really raunchy.”

—A. E. Neuman, “Five Wooden Panels,” New York Times, May 7, 2009, Arts section.

21 May 2009

Greenbacks, white faces, old dead dudes.

Did you know I'm on Tumblr, too? It fills that niche between micro-blogging I get on Twitter and the full-fledged blogging I do here, or on one of my specialty sites. But sometimes, like with my weekly recaps of Sketch War, I feel a need to post in more than one place. Like this piece...


Indefensible is right. We’ve got slave owners on our currency. Sucks. But not all of the old dead white dudes were slave owners. So for those of you abroad, or those who went to school in California, Mississippi, or - well, most anywhere in America, unfortunately - here’s a primer on the dudes wot be pictured on our moolah.

Coins

  • 1¢ Freed the motherfuckin’ slaves.
  • 5¢ Screwed the motherfuckin’ slaves. Literally, I mean.
  • 10¢ Beat the shit outta Hitler.
  • 25¢ Owned slaves, but freed them on his death, so he’s got that goin’ for him.
  • 50¢ Screwed motherfuckin’ Marilyn Monroe.
  • $1 I have no idea who’s on the dollar coin right now. I don’t go to enough Indian casinos for it to matter.
Paper Currency
  • $1 Lost almost every single battle he commanded as a general. I mean, this guy’s record in futility is like the Cubs or Wile E. Coyote. Seriously. I’m not kidding. He was a bad field commander.
  • $2 Seriously? What are we two-years old and we’re getting these in a card from nana? More of the slave-fucker.
  • $5 Did I mention he freed the motherfuckin’ slaves? He also beat the shit out of the slave owners in the process.
  • $10 Bastard immigrant probably shouldn’t have deloped on the Heights of Weehawken.
  • $20 You see, there was this big block of cheese
  • $50 Right. That fellow up above who beat the shit out of the slave owners? This guy did the killin’. Beat those fuckers right back into the stone-age, or as we Yankees call it, “Georgia”.
  • $100 Flew a motherfuckin’ kite. Also, fought a bitter battle to abolish slavery at the founding of the union.

20 May 2009

Mr. Wizard on Knees

Emily asks...

What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?

Also

Do penguins have knees?
The latter question is the easier of the patella-oriented queries, so let me answer it with the following diagram:

Now while it may not be clear in this picture, there is in fact a femur on the upper half of the lower limb. This should come as no shock as we share a common ancestor with penguins (though we'd have to go back a *really* long way to find that common ancestor.)

So yes, Emily, there is a knee. It is the joint between the femur and tibiotarsus/fibular pair.

Now as to your second question, that one's a bit of a puzzler. It's difficult to imagine a successful biped with a knee that bent in the other direction, as locomotion would be difficult at best, making it easy prey for animals with unhindered knees. However, if we assume all animals shared that odd joint, there would be no relative disadvantage to an organism with that structure. So let's assume that's the case, and somehow locomotion works with lower limbs that rotate in the same direction at both the first and second joints.

In that case, it seems that some variation of a Swedish kneeling chair would work best.

Just as the kneeling chair directs most of the downward force of the body along the length of the femur, our hypothetical reverse-kneed people would sit in a similar fashion, but the lower halves of their legs would extend out and up with a slight bend.

Ask Mr. Wizard Wednesday

There is NO question I can't answer.

Of course, not all my answers are serious or useful, but that's a risk you run with a wizard.

Questions about me, advice for the lovelorn, software questions, writing questions, questions about the annual cinnamon harvest in Sumatra...ask 'em and I'll answer 'em. I make no guarantees of the quality, veracity, or utility of the answers, but you'll get *something* either useful or funny.

Ask your questions in comments and I'll be posting your answers through the following days. This will keep you coming back and keep me more actively engaged over here. See? We *all* win.

15 May 2009

Interviews That Never Aired Wrapup

With cable, satellite, and millions of websites streaming content, 24/7/52/7/71 straight into our brains2 you’d think we’d be hard-pressed to find any interviews that hadn’t filled up *someone’s* empty airtime. I mean, have you *seen* the crap on FOX and CNN?

But succeed we did, three times over. These interviews have been in the vaults, in one case for millenia, and unseen by the public until this week. Aren’t you lucky!

We’ve got friends, Romans, and quarterbacks this week. Take a look and don’t forget to send your friends on by. We’re always open.

Next week’s cue promises to be explosive. Be sure to come back around when the sketch warriors take on, The State of Healthcare.

If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH or WOMAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a sketch and contact us at submissions(nospam)@sketchwar.org.


  1. That’s 24 hours in a day, by seven days in a week, by 52 weeks in a year, by seven years between sabbaticals, by seven sabbatical cycles in a jubilee. I mean, we’ve got a LOT of content. []
  2. The aluminum foil hat doesn’t go with my shoes. []

12 May 2009

If JJ can do it with Star Trek...

Owing to the runaway success of the Star Trek reboot, I'm going to start on my script for a reboot of Star Wars. Someday, George'll finally be dead and gone and we can sully his reputation for him, instead of him doing it himself. I thought I'd give you a little taste of my reboot right here, though.

===

Everything goes sideways when a traveler from the future replaces the Emperor's coffee with Folger's Crystals. Turns out the Sith *can* tell the difference. So Palpatine puts on his cranky pants one morning thanks to this time traveler and rips Vader a new one. He tells Vader he'd better step up the work on the Death Star or else.

So Vader cracks the whip, the Death Star gets finished six weeks ahead of schedule, and that causes ripples in the time stream.

Suffice it to say, with Han dead (he shot first, but his blaster malfunctioned) and Luke too busy raking in the credits through water profiteering, it's going to be tough to get the old gang back together again. But we will!

09 May 2009

Sketchwar Mother's Day Wrapup

With a topic as rich and pregnant with possibilities as this, I’d hoped the warriors would have come from far and wide to toss their humor grenades into the ring. Then I remembered not *every* comedy writer has a Jewish mother. While being chosen isn’t a requirement for being funny1 and is certainly no predictor for comic ability,2 it does give us an edge in writing funny stuff about mothers.
I mean, with my goyim friends, what can they do? Make fun of sandwiches made with mayonnaise and white bread? Mock index funds? Mine comedy out of minivans?
So we had a short week, but three excellent entries:

Blow up sex dolls, truffle canapés, killer robots and disappointed mothers vie for your affection this week. Won’t you be a good boy or girl and just come by and say a little hello to your dear old sketch about mom? And would it kill you to tell your friends? Maybe while you get a haircut; you look a little shaggy.
Next week our sketch warriors will battle on the cue: Interviews That Never Aired.
If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH or WOMAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a sketch and contact us at submissions(nospam)@sketchwar.org.

  1. Richard Pryor: non-Jew. []
  2. Howie Mandel: Jew. []

28 April 2009

Radio Serials Wrapup

Oops! Very late, sorry. I’ve had my nose buried in “Anathem” for the past few days, every moment I’m not working or sleeping, so I kinda let this slip. A bit. Again, sorry.

Anyway…

This week’s battle (normally I’d say next week there, you notice?) is Odd Sporting Events.

If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH or WOMAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a sketch and contact us at submissions(nospam)@sketchwar.org.

22 April 2009

Why I don't watch CHUCK

  • Watched the pilot and wasn’t taken by it. I thought it was okay, but nothing special. I’ve heard it’s better now, but my first impression stuck.
  • More significantly, the great geek love for Yvonne Strahovski? I don’t get it. She’s pretty enough, whatever. Seemed to be able to read her lines without crossing her eyes and with only a trace of weirdness to her accent. Meh.
  • I’ve already got TV on Monday nights and didn’t want to add more. Could I have recorded Chuck and watched later? Sure. But I have other things to do as well and see my points above.
  • Whereas I was indifferent to the pilot, TheWife actively disliked it. We really try to minimize the number of shows only one of us watches as it leads to scheduling conflicts. We’re each willing to watch a show about which we’re indifferent (or, let it be white noise as we surf the web) if the other enjoys it; not so much with the active dislike.
I’m sure the show is better than its pilot. Most shows are. But…I didn’t like the pilot and all the critics who insist the show is better now did. So…better enough? For me? Possibly, but I don’t care enough to find out.

Maybe when it’s run is complete I’ll get the DVDs from Netflix and realize what I missed. Or I’ll watch a rerun of How I Met Your Mother instead.

21 April 2009

Angel or Demon?

"This war has gone on far too long."

Kai-ying nodded. "What can I get for you?"

"Angel, please."

Who was the first person to eat an oyster? Was it on a dare?

"You'd think someone would at least pick up the corpses. Getting so you can't walk down the street without tripping over a broken wing or cracked halo."

"At least they don't smell bad."

"Yeah. Kinda like cinnamon. Heh. Should juice 'em. Sell 'em like lattes."

"Yeah, Ben. You let me know how that works."

Kai-ying smiled as she took the woman's money in exchange for the frothing cup.