For your regular fix of humor, don't forget to check in at Sketch War. But for my regular readers, here's something newish. A short I wrote last fall. Enjoy. Three Faces of Steve
I used to think it was porn. Don't get me wrong, porn is awesome, but that's not why the Internet came into being. Nope. Not porn. Not online shopping. Not even the sites dedicated to the ranking of various women's body parts or the posting of photos of ridiculously drunk women making out.
Nope.
Here it is.
There's video below, FeedReader.
Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.
There's video above, FeedReader.
My mood is foul, but this made me chuckle. And? Better than anything George Lucas has conceived in 30 years.
There's AWESOME video above FeedReader, HT Rich Sommer.
I've watched it through a couple of times and it's pretty damn inspirational, also pretty damn funny. For whatever reason, Kirsten Dunst and Christian Bale are the funniest to me, probably because they're representing such unexpected movies.
Don't forget Sketch War has been moved over to its own blog. My sketch for the week is up already right here, but be sure to check back during the day for the other writers.
Another tough topic, though not nearly as painful, or likely to make a grown man cry and jump on a couch, as Oprah. Again, we had three warriors enter the fray. They acquitted themselves well.
Quick point of order: Peter is a bastard for coming up with this week's theme, Learning something new about history. May a thousand beetles crawl into his closet and take up residence in his favorite sneaker. The left one, not the right one.
Come back on Saturday for the recap, where I give you links to the (hopefully) better sketches on the theme.
The Truth About HarryINT. BAR - NIGHT
A dark, quiet hideaway where men go to get drunk. MICHAEL early 40s and reedy, with the wild eyes of a hunted man, and Peter, late 20s and not crazy, sit nursing scotches. A BARTENDER wipes glasses at the other end of the bar.
MICHAEL
Truman was a Freemason.
PETER
What?
MICHAEL
Haberdasher is a code word for Freemason.
PETER
No, haberdasher is a code word for "guy who sells belts and socks."
MICHAEL
C'mon! All the evidence is right in front of you and you just won't see it.
PETER
Enlighten me, oh wise one.
MICHAEL
Yeah, the Illuminati got their start in the Enlightenment, but we don't have to go that far back. (Beat) So what do you think Truman was doing at Yalta while Roosevelt was negotiating with Stalin?
PETER
What do I think Truman was doing at Yalta?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
PETER
I think Truman was asking himself how the hell he ended up in Yalta when he never went to Yalta.
MICHAEL
What do you mean?
PETER
I mean, Roosevelt went to Yalta, not Truman.
MICHAEL
Are you sure? I read somewhere that Truman and Churchill ganged up on Stalin at the conference.
PETER
A, that was Potsdam, after the war. And B, if you thought that, why would you imply he was off doing God-knows-what instead of negotiating the peace?
MICHAEL
Exactly. See, if Truman was at Potsdam, it's not too far to conclude that he was working in the shadows at Yalta, right? Behind the scenes, pulling the strings.
PETER
(To the bartender)
Excuse me, can I get whatever he's drinking?
MICHAEL
I'm serious.
PETER
You think the Vice President of the United States spent a month out of the country, in the middle of a war, and no one knew it?
MICHAEL
See how impossible that sounds? Only the Freemasons could have pulled something like that off.
Peter stares for a second. He opens his mouth to talk...then shakes his head.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
But he wasn't there for a month, just a few days. The Freemasons smuggled Truman over in their secret submarine--
PETER
--What?
MICHAEL
Their submarine. The Nautilus.
PETER
Like from the book?
MICHAEL
Which book is that?
PETER
Um...20,000 Leagues Under the Ocean? Sea. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The Verne.
MICHAEL
I knew you weren't completely ignorant. Right. Jules Verne. He was too proud to let his work go unnoticed.
PETER
You're saying Jules Verne built the Nautilus. A real submarine. And then he wrote about it.
MICHAEL
Yeah, and it got him kicked out.
PETER
(Playing along, now)
I didn't know. So, the Masons kicked him out.
MICHAEL
The Illuminati. It was their sub. They just leased it to the Freemasons. Anyway, they got Truman to Yalta two days ahead of Roosevelt and he and Churchill divvied up Germany. Roosevelt thought he was so tough with his big stick...
Peter winces at this latest bit of stupidity from Michael...
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
...but it was Truman who really talked softly.
PETER
You know that was Teddy not...oh, nevermind.
MICHAEL
Then Howard Hughes flew him back home in the Spruce Goose right before Roosevelt showed up. The rest of the conference was just for show. Same with Potsdam. And once Truman gave Einstein the plans for the A-bomb--
PETER
--What?!?
MICHAEL
Scary, isn't it? The New World Order is coming, man, and you can't stop it.
The bartender comes toward our boys.
BARTENDER
Closing time, gents.
PETER
Okay, I've had my fill for the night, anyway. Michael. Seriously. You need help.
MICHAEL
I know. That's why I keep writing on my blog and mailing out the newsletter. I can't stop them alone.
PETER
(Sad for his friend)
Yeah. That's what I meant. Um, I've gotta go. I'll see you around, okay?
MICHAEL
Sure man. Next time drinks are on me.
Peter exits quickly. Michael downs the rest of his drink and gets up to go.
BARTENDER
Mr. Howard, I'm afraid we can't let you leave.
A hidden door behind the bar slides open and reveals a huge Masonic crest. Two men in monk's habits step out behind two serious looking pistols.
BARTENDER (CONT'D)
You know too much.
BLACKOUT:
Yours truly - like many before him - fell under the spell of one Ms. Oprah Gail Winfrey's hypnotic powers. I thought to myself did I, "oh, Oprah would make a great theme for Sketch War. So many topics. So many sketch ideas. This will be great!" She's ephemeral. Like a ghost, or Duke Nukem Forever, just when you think you've got a firm grasp on her she disappears.
Holy crap. I swear, when I thought of Oprah last week, I had visions of sketches writing themselves. So many ideas filled my head: Oprah as a cruel taskmaster; Oprah as an international spy; Oprah giving hitmen assignments with envelopes under their seats. Those ideas? They don't work. Nothing worked. I was going to do a dinner party where Steadman was the butler? Crap. Everything crap.
Then I realized I really needed to take Oprah *out* of the sketch.
This isn't comedy gold, but I think it's alright. As for the products mentioned...thank you Wikipedia!
Peter's sketch is up already - and is both funny and disturbing. I credit him for reminding me that Oprah permeates our culture. Of course, I won't be crediting him when I have nightmares tonight. No word yet from anyone else, but come on back for the recap this weekend.
Oprah's Favorite ThingsINT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
MAYBELLE and her guests JO, JOLLY, and AMY sit in the cleanest, classiest, brightest doublewide in town. JOSH GROBAN'S "NOEL" plays in the background. The women are all in their late-30s to late-40s and well turned out. A careful observer might notice they're all wearing the same RACHEL PALLY SWING TURTLENECK AND SAILOR PANTS. The truly observant might see the matching UGG BOOTS and TOYWATCH CRYSTAL WATCHES. That observer would be very much like these women if she knew the significance of that.
JO
These cookies are fantastic, Maybelle.
MAYBELLE
Thanks, Jo. I found the recipe in last month's "O" and just whipped them up in my KitchenAid Artisan Mixer.
JOLLY
The cookies are good, but this sorbetto is to die for. Ciao Bella?
MAYBELLE
Of course! Is there any other?
The ladies all laugh. Amy picks up a dog-eared book. It's a copy of KEN FOLLET'S "THE PILLARS OF THE EARTH". She flips through it.
AMY
Jack's dreamy.
The ladies all sigh.
MAYBELLE
Oh, oh! It's time!
Maybelle picks up a remote and mutes the music. She turns up the TV. OPRAH'S THEME MUSIC plays. Jolly mans a SONY NOTEBOOK. Jo and Amy have pencils, paper, and BLACKBERRIES ready.
OPRAH (O.S.)
These are my favorite things...with a twist! Today, we're going to learn how to have the thriftiest holiday ever!
MAYBELLE
Uh-oh...
OPRAH (O.S.)
In a time of such economic trouble and uncertainty, I can't in good conscience give away lavish gifts. Instead I'm going to show you some do-it-yourself gift ideas for the holidays.
Jo's cellphone rings. She answers and immediately pulls the phone from her ear. We hear...
STEFFI (O.S.)
There's nothing under my goddamn seat! No gift basket! Nothing here!
(muted, to someone at her location)
No! No, I will NOT calm down! I didn't ride 13 hours on a Greyhound bus for macaroni frames and hugs!
Sounds of a scuffle, coming through the phone and the TV. Then silence. Maybelle turns off the TV.
AMY
"Gratitude boxes?"
JOLLY
Great. What am I supposed to wear for the next year? This turtleneck?
JO
I love you guys.
MAYBELLE
Can it, Jo.
JO
No, I mean it. If Oprah thinks we should cut back, maybe we should. I'm still paying off my Dell 30" Wide-Screen LCD TV.
JOLLY
That was from 2004!
JO
I know. Ricky had to take an extra shift just to keep us from losing the Taurus.
AMY
I hate Scrabble!
JOLLY
I don't understand you guys. Just because Oprah says we should cut back, you're going to cut back? That makes no sense. I mean, if she told you to buy something useless, would you?
MAYBELLE
You watch a lot of shows on that LG HDTV refrigerator at your place?
JOLLY
Sometimes!
JO
Look, I can't keep up anymore. I think Oprah's right. This year, I'm giving out handmade gifts.
AMY
Me too.
MAYBELLE
So am I. Jolly?
JOLLY
Alright. Fine. Let's put something else on. I don't feel like talking much right now.
Maybelle picks up the remote and clicks away. She stops and we hear...
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Doors open at midnight Thursday with low-low prices throughout the store. Don't be late for the After Thanksgiving Sales Event at Wal-Mart!
The women look lustfully at the TV, and then each other.
MAYBELLE
I'll bring the coffee. Amy, bring lawn chairs.
BLACKOUT:
The battle continues apace; tonight we're joined by a new warrior. Fresh-faced and unscathed from previous battles, will Peter Rogers kill or cower, fight or flee?
This week's theme is brought to us by one of our legion of fans: horrible family holidays.
Blogging buddy @tjonsek suggested this week's theme in comments: horrible family holidays. I didn't have to reach too deep into my bag of painful, poorly suppressed memories to pull this sketch out. Still rubs me raw.
You know of course that comedy often requires painting in broad strokes and exaggerating. Comedy in real life is much more subtle because people aren't caricatures. That's good, right? I mean, it would *suck* if there were actually people like these in the real world. Can you imagine actually having a mother like Miriam? Can you imagine the psychic damage that would do? Can you imagine how twisted that would make someone?
Come back later for a recap with links to the other sketches and information on submitting for next week. And if you've got a theme you'd like to see us try out for next week, leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs when their sketches are up.
Chinatown ChristmasINT. CAR - DAY
The rain is pouring from the leaden sky in buckets on an unseasonably warm Christmas day. NOAH, late 20s, attentively pilots a sturdy SUV through heavy New York traffic. His father GERRY, 50s and balding, rides shotgun offering "helpful" tips. In the back sit MIRIAM, the matriarch of the ROSEN clan, looking older and feebler than her mid-50s warrant, HANNAH, Noah's college-age sister, and in the middle, BECKY. With her perky nose, blond hair, and blue eyes, Noah's fiancee looks as out of place as a slice of ham between two pieces of marble rye.
MIRIAM
Hop Kee is good. You liked Hop Kee last time, right Gerry?
GERRY
That's the one with the Hot and Sour I like--
MIRIAM
--No. That's Congee. Hop Kee's the one where the hostess always gives you the extra shrimp roll, like I'm not supposed to know she's flirting?
NOAH
Ma, we're going to Wo Hop, right?
MIRIAM
Yeah, yeah. I was just saying, Hop Kee's good too. You should ever decide to come back and visit, we could go there, nu? It's just down the street.
NOAH
Ma, we're visiting right now.
Miriam pats Becky on the knee.
MIRIAM
And we're so glad the two of you are here. Aren't we glad, Gerry?
GERRY
Yeah, sure.
(on traffic)
You want the right lane. It's clearer. You can get around two, maybe three of these
(yelling, as though the other drivers can hear)
slowpokes!
Noah moves aggressively to the right and accelerates. He is his father's son.
BECKY
Hannah. What are you taking next semester?
HANNAH
Sight and Sound Studio and Documentary, the Femme Fatale in the films of Roman Polanski, and Spanish.
GERRY
My little baby's going to be a big filmmaker someday.
HANNAH
Dad...
GERRY
Going to walk down that red carpet.
HANNAH
Dad...
MIRIAM
Muriel Goldstein's boy wanted to be in pictures. But he's still waiting tables, waiting to be a star. Breaks poor Muriel's heart. He could have gone to Columbia Medical School, but that wasn't good enough for him.
NOAH
Barry Goldstein failed high school biology. Three times.
MIRIAM
I'm just saying--
HANNAH
--You're just saying I'm going to fail, aren't you ma?
MIRIAM
Of course not, dear. I just think you could get a law degree first, and then try with your moviemaking. Is it too much to ask that one of my babies doesn't go hungry?
NOAH
Ma! I'm not going hungry. I'm doing just fine.
GERRY
(on traffic)
You're taking the Cross Island?
NOAH
Yeah, that's the way I always go.
GERRY
Well, that's a fine way, I guess, but the Van Wyck's faster. But you're driving. Don't mind me.
(beat)
The middle lane's open.
MIRIAM
Becky!
Becky jumps. Her attempt to become invisible failed.
BECKY
Yes, ma'am?
MIRIAM
Don't call me ma'am, dear. Just call me Miriam. Or mom. Is it too soon for that?
BECKY
No, ma'am. I mean Miriam. I mean...
GERRY
You're spooking the poor girl, Miriam.
MIRIAM
What? I just told her to call me 'mom'. I'm welcoming. Who's spooking?
HANNAH
You are. I don't even want to call you 'mom' most of the time.
GERRY
The turn for the Van Wyck is coming up if you change your mind.
BECKY
How much longer?
EXT. STREET - DAY
The buckets of rain have turned to barrelfuls. Gerry, Miriam, and Hannah stand under Gerry's huge umbrella, trying to stay dry, as they talk to Noah through the window.
GERRY
You know where the garage is, right? Two blocks down and one over. You sure you don't want me to park it?
NOAH
No, that's alright. You three go in and get us a table. Becky and I will be back in a few.
GERRY
You want the umbrella, at least?
NOAH
Uh, it looks like it's clearing up.
Lightning splits the sky.
INT. CAR - DAY
Noah rolls up the window and pulls from the curb.
NOAH
I figured you could use a few minutes to catch your breath before dinner.
BECKY
Thanks. How do you do it?
NOAH
What?
BECKY
Not be crazy?
INT. RESTAURANT LOBBY - DAY
There's a small crowd at the front desk. Miriam pushes her way to the front.
MIRIAM
Excuse me? Excuse me?! Can we get some help, please?
HOSTESS
How many?
MIRIAM
Excuse me?
HOSTESS
How many in your party?
MIRIAM
Five.
HOSTESS
20 minutes.
Miriam ponders for a second and then...
MIRIAM
Come on. Let's go to Hop Kee.
HANNAH
But Noah and Becky are expecting us to be here.
MIRIAM
We talked about both. He's a smart boy. He'll figure it out.
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
Hop Kee. Noah and Becky are soaked through. Miriam, Gerry, and Hannah sit in front of many plates of demolished food.
NOAH
I thought we were meeting at Wo Hop?
MIRIAM
We talked about both, nu?
BLACKOUT:
A two-man grapple in Sketch Stadium this week, as Coyote challenges Ken. Last week's secret ingredient was autumn. In Battle Autumn, whose cuisine sketch reigns supreme?!
Autumn. A wide open theme. Could have gone so many ways, that I expect we'll get some nice variation this week. Let's hope so! Come back later for a recap with links to the other sketches and information on submitting for next week.
And if you've got a theme you'd like to see us try out for next week, leave it in comments here, or on one of the other blogs when their sketches are up.
Leafer's ParadiseEXT. RURAL ROAD - DUSK
A lone luxury sedan drives over rolling hills in the golden sunset, the millions of brightly colored autumn leaves glowing in shades of red and orange. Perfect foliage.
VANESSA (V.O.)
Oh, Marcus! It's beautiful. You were right, this was the perfect weekend to drive up. Sorry I doubted you.
MARCUS (V.O.)
No worries, babe. I checked the almanac, the National Weather Service, and had the boys in accounting run some numbers based on the last 20 years, factoring in warming trends. I knew this would be the peak weekend.
VANESSA (V.O.)
I just wish we could have skipped work and had an extra day. But anyway, this place I booked should be perfect. The Double-A Guide gave it three coffee cups.
MARCUS (V.O.)
You mean the Triple-A Guide.
VANESSA (V.O.)
Uh-oh.
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
RUPERT and MAGGIE stand behind the desk. He's in his 50s, balding, and looking rumpled-casual in a button-down shirt. She's in her 30s and crisply turned out. The door opens and MARCUS and VANESSA stroll in with too many bags for a weekend trip. He and she are both in their 30s, decked out in the flannel, cashmere, and special boots they bought just for this weekend.
MAGGIE
Good evening, and welcome to Hearth House. Are we the Pithbottoms?
VANESSA
Yes, we are. I'm Vanessa and this is Marcus. Your inn is beautiful, really.
Maggie taps at her computer.
MAGGIE
Thank you. Let's see, we have you for three nights, checking out Sunday morning, and you wanted to do two of our foliage tours, one tomorrow and then the special Leaves & Lakes Tour on Saturday. How fun!
RUPERT
Will you be dining in the restaurant this evening?
MARCUS
Honey?
VANESSA
Sure. Sounds good.
(to Marcus)
Doesn't he look like Bob Newhart? You think he's like him?
(to Rupert)
Aren't you chilly? Maybe you should put on a cardigan?
Rupert gets this a LOT. He rolls his eyes and gives the couple a withering look.
MARCUS
Yes, yes! Now I see it.
RUPERT
Maybe later, ma'am. Right now, let's just get you two finished with check-in.
Maggie taps a bit more, Rupert shuffles some papers.
MARCUS
(to Vanessa)
Doesn't she remind you of that Gilman Girl?
VANESSA
(to Marcus)
Who's that?
MARCUS
You know, Laura Gilman, from that show you like?
VANESSA
Oh you mean--
MAGGIE
--Okay, we're almost done. Will you be keeping this on your American Express?
MARCUS
Actually, I'd like to put it on this Visa, instead.
Vanessa looks at Marcus questioningly while he hands his card to Maggie.
MARCUS (CONT'D)
(to Vanessa)
Double miles.
The wind outside kicks up. Rupert and Maggie look at each other and hurry up the process. She drops the card in her haste and both get looks of abject terror at the delay. The wind picks up more. Just as Maggie runs the card through the reader, the front door FLIES open and a mass of dead leaves blow into the lobby, propelled by a whipping wind.
MAGGIE
If I could just get you to sign here?
Maggie and Rupert look at each other with a mixture of relief and amused resignation.
VANESSA
Wow, that was some wind. Hope it doesn't effect the leaves too much.
EXT. RURAL ROAD - DAY
A van drives through a vast wasteland. I mean, like Tunguska AFTER the event. Dead, gnarly trees as far as the eye can see beneath a leaden sky. Swirling piles of leaves gather in little eddies.
TOUR GUIDE (V.O.)
On the right, you'll see a stand of Vermont maples, renown for their beautiful, deep red leaves in autumn.
BLACKOUT
Inspired by Twittermate @dragonblogger, who did an audio version of his most embarrassing story, I thought I'd record mine.
Mine's got hot nurses and bodily fluids. Can't go wrong with that, right?
If you'd rather read than listen, here's the original.
Reconciliation. This week, I read about the woman on the Texas School Board who thinks Barack Obama is going to open the doors for terrorists. And I saw all three anti-gay amendments pass in state elections, presumably because hearing the word 'gay' might make innocent people turn gay. RedState has begun its Operation Leper, so they might throw out all the reasonable voices in the GOP and turn it into a teeny-tiny echo chamber of Sarah Palin and her ilk (and her elk, presumably.)
And let's not forget that the President-Elect is a Marxist/Islamist/Radical Black Christian and Dick Cheney planned 9/11. There are crazies all around. Enough crazies to fill a small city (although the right-wing half of them would rather stay in small towns.)
So I give you this. It's rough. It needs many, many revisions. And I did NOT pick the craziest of the crazies. But I think it's not so terrible. Let me know what you think.
Come back later tonight/this weekend for my on-time wrapup. I'll have links to the other sketches then. But for now, please enjoy mine. And comment! Comment! Comment!
Extremes AttractionINT. SPACESHIP PASSAGEWAY - PERMANENT NIGHT
Curved plasteel walls stretch into the distance. The thrum of the Keeslar-Morales drive is just audible. With a WHOOSH, a door slides open and SUB-COMMANDANT BILL O'REILLY enters in his skin-tight utility uniform. He is followed by ARCH-LIEUTENANT MICHELLE MALKIN, sashaying in her skin-tight utilities, unzipped provocatively, exposing cleavage.
MALKIN
Sub-commandant! You can't let them on the ship, they'll infect us all!
O'REILLY
It's a risk we've got to take!
INT. SPACESHIP TRANSPORTER ROOM - PERMANENT NIGHT
CHIEF RUSH LIMBAUGH tests the limits of his kevlar-spandex uniform standing at a control panel.
O'REILLY
Bring them over, Limby.
LIMBAUGH
Aye, Sub-commandant.
Limbaugh pushes buttons, turns dials, and slides a lever. Twinkling lights and tinkling chimes fill the room and three forms take shape. KEITH-O in a custom tailored suit, JANEANE in hemp clothing cut like potato sacks, and AL FRANKEN in tweed appear.
MALKIN
Look out! She's got a gun under her burka!
TWO SECURITY OFFICERS appear out of the corners and tackle Janeane.
MALKIN (CONT'D)
Good job! She was--
SECURITY OFFICER #1
It's just a hooka, sir.
MALKIN
That's just as bad! She was going to make all our children smoke
(whispering)
mar-ee-wan-ah.
LIMBAUGH
You'd better let me search her. No telling what other drugs she may be carrying.
O'REILLY
Belay yourself, Chief! Doctor Phil tells me you've been spending quite enough time in sickbay.
(beat)
I'm Sub-commandant O'Reilly of the Earthship John Wayne. Welcome aboard.
KEITH-O
You're a terrible person, O'Reilly. Truly. The. Worst. Person.
MALKIN
Maybe we shouldn't have responded to your distress signal then!
Janeane and the security guards get up and she gives each of them a little baggie.
JANEANE
We responded to yours, you bimbo!
MALKIN
Don't be rid--
O'REILLY
--Can it, Michelle! It was our distress signal. I told you that.
MALKIN
But you told me--
O'REILLY
You have anyone like this?
AL FRANKEN
(sighs)
We've got Sharpton.
O'REILLY
I'm actually truly sorry.
(beat)
Okay, here's the problem, our jump drive computers are fried.
KEITH-O
Don't you have a backup?
O'REILLY
The backup computers are all infected with a virus. Our morale officer, Bennett, installed poker on all of them, but the software was a Trojan Horse. We're practically drifting. All we've got is our Hadron drives for maneuvering. We're stuck sub-light.
LIMBAUGH
We've only got six months supply in the mess!
AL FRANKEN
(looks at Limbaugh)
I'd guess only three.
JANEANE
What do you want from us, O'Reilly?
O'REILLY
Can you send over your Systems Officer to assist with a complete overhaul of our network? Ours isn't up to the task.
AL FRANKEN
Why's that?
O'REILLY
No one properly vetted Ensign Palin. Apparently MIT was not one of the many schools she attended.
KEITH-O
We'd like to help, we honestly would--.
MALKIN
But you won't right? Typical. You elites just want to take and take from the hard-working people and--
KEITH-O
--but we don't have a Systems Officer, per se.
O'REILLY
What do you mean?
JANEANE
We don't have ranks or titles. Everyone just pitches in on the Gaia. From each according to his abilities...
AL FRANKEN, JANEANE, KEITH-O
...to each according to his needs.
JANEANE
It works pretty well, other than all those course corrections. Someday it would be nice to reach a planet.
O'REILLY
You need to have a clearly defined chain of command.
AL FRANKEN
We don't really believe in that. That's why it took us an hour to come over. We had to get the crew together and debate who should come. Then we had to debate whether to bring the talking stick or leave it back on the Gaia.
MALKIN
(under breath)
Gay-uh is right.
Limbaugh snickers like a schoolboy and minces in the background for Malkin's benefit.
AL FRANKEN
I guess we could ask around and see if anyone's got any experience with this sort of problem.
INT. SPACESHIP CONFERENCE ROOM - PERMANENT NIGHT
O'Reilly, Malkin, and the three from the ESS Gaia are joined by JOSEPHINE JONZZ, mid-20s and transgendered, wearing a skimpy dress and JOE WURLZ, late 30s and bald, wearing a gray jumpsuit. O'Reilly frequently leers at JOSEPHINE.
MALKIN
Do you have a lot of experience with computer systems?
JOSEPHINE
Nah, not really. Sometimes I'd cash out customers at the salon, but I'd usually make a mistake and the owner'd have to come help.
AL FRANKEN
It was her or Steve Jobs. Even I don't hate you enough to do that.
MALKIN
Joe, why don't you take him/her/it down to the computer core.
JOE
No.
O'REILLY
Are you disobeying a direct order, mister?
JOE
Sub-commandant, arch-lieutenant...all due respect, but I can't work with *that*. Back when I was a Telephone Sanitizer I wouldn't even have cleaned its phone. Just spit on it when it wasn't looking.
JOSEPHINE
Hey, that's not nice!
O'REILLY
(leering again)
No, it's not nice Ms. Jonzz.
JOSEPHINE
Josie. You can call me Josie.
O'REILLY
And you can call me Papa Bear.
MALKIN
Oh, get a room! We're spinning out of control here.
A communicator on the table dings and Malkin presses a button.
MALKIN
Go ahead.
TECH (FILTER)
Arch-lieutenant, the Gaia has docked with us!
MALKIN
You see! I told you they were going to come over here and kill us all and introduce Sharia and make us get gay married and take away our guns!!!
AL FRANKEN
All at once? How would...never mind.
JANEANE
It must be hard to be you.
O'REILLY
What's the meaning of this, Franken?!
AL FRANKEN
I have no idea. We never discussed docking.
TECH (FILTER)
It appears that our computer systems are back online. They've networked with the Gaia's. There's--
A hologram - much like the CNN hologram - shimmers into view. BARACK OBAMA and JOHN MCCAIN stand arm-in-arm.
OBAMA
We hope you're all enjoying your accomodations.
MCCAIN
Is Sarah doing well, I hope?
OBAMA
You might wonder why we've brought you all together.
MALKIN
You had nothing to do with it! We take personal responsibility for our actions!
OBAMA
(laughs)
Yes, of course you do, Michelle. Anyway, we brought your ships together so we could say goodbye one last time.
AL FRANKEN
What? I don't understand! I supported you!
OBAMA
Yes Al, thank you for that. I know you did. But America needs to come together now, and voices like yours are part of the old, divisive ways.
MCCAIN
We don't have the time or room for any more of the extremes to be tearing the middle apart.
KEITH-O
And Senator McCain, sir, do you believe you are in the middle? You are not, sir.
MCCAIN
What can I say? I'm a maverick. Always bouncing around. I woke up and realized America needs to move forward, not rightward or leftward.
O'REILLY
So the world we were supposed to be colonizing? The one filled with willing slaves?
MCCAIN
That was a lie to get you on the John Wayne.
JANEANE
And the one we were going to, with universal healthcare and legalized pot and no corporations conspiring against us? That was a lie, too?
OBAMA
"Lie" is such an ugly word, Janeane. Let's just say it was a campaign promise that didn't come true.
MCCAIN
Your ships are now in a decaying orbit around the sun. You have another day before the boys in NASA say the heat will be too much and the hull will vaporize.
MALKIN
I thought we were hundreds of light years away!
OBAMA
Well, Michelle, perhaps if you had paid a little more attention in your science classes and not believed every silly anti-scientific fantasy that crossed before you, you would know that isn't possible. And now we'd like to say our goodbyes. Have a pleasant journey and know that your sacrifice is going to make America and the world a better place.
The hologram cuts out. Silence. The thrum of what clearly are NOT Keeslar-Morales drives is audible.
Joe the Phone Sanitizer looks at Janeane.
JOE
You wanna?
JANEANE
Sure.
Joe and Janeane leave with lust and despair in their eyes. Al Franken nods to Keith-O and Michelle Malkin.
AL FRANKEN
Not much time left. Whatdya think?
The three of them leave the room. Michelle looks like a schoolgirl, giddy with the knowledge that she can drop the act.
O'REILLY
(To Josephine)
Right here on the table works for me.
BLACKOUT
Again, I've *got* to pick up the pace with these wrapups. Soon, I'll be posting them five minutes before sticking up my last-minute entries for the following week. But it's here, so let's take a look-see.
Er, uh. Ken came up with this week's topic when our readers failed to offer up even one suggestion. But you know what? I'm going to try again. So if you read the sketches but aren't going to compete, comment here, or on one of the competitor blogs, with your idea for what the theme should be. I'll pick my favorite and we'll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to me this time. And if you want to compete, email a link to your sketch to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.
This week I had a lot of trouble. Couldn't come up with a thing. Until tonight. So I'm cutting it under the wire, and I wish I could give this a polish, but I actually think it's a pretty cute one. Though again I'm writing kids. Not sure what that's about. Anyway, hope y'all enjoy. And please, please, please: comment. And pass links along to your friends, countrymen, social networking sites, Roman bath house buddies, whatever.
Tricks, Lots of TricksEXT. SIDEWALK - DUSK
Four KIDS, 8-10 years old and in costume, gather under the darkening sky. By costume, there are SPIDERMAN, GHOST, BALLERINA, DINOSAUR.
SPIDERMAN
What did you get?
GHOST
Two Obama-Biden bumper stickers and this paper.
(Beat)
'Tortious Acts as a Basis for Jurisdiction in Products Liability Cases: A Completely Original Look'
DINOSAUR
Which house?
GHOST
The one with the guy dressed up like a Ken doll. Fake hair, face all plastic-y.
BALLERINA
He always looks like that. My mom says some people need to let nature take its course.
DINOSAUR
I got a butterscotch from that old guy who sits in his rocking chair on his porch all the time.
GHOST
Oh, the blue house.
DINOSAUR
No, I tried there but the lights were off.
GHOST
The red house?
DINOSAUR
Off.
GHOST
Then--
DINOSAUR
--He was in the yellow house.
BALLERINA
The one with the pretty red door. I like that house.
DINOSAUR
No, the other yellow house. I think he was running from house to house trying to hide, but he wasn't too fast. I caught him at the sixth house.
SPIDERMAN
Good. That house on the hill creeps me out.
(Opening sack wide)
Well, my bag's full!
DINOSAUR
No way! That's good stuff, too! Where?
SPIDERMAN
The shack on the corner.
BALLERINA
Who lives there?
SPIDERMAN
That loud lady who's always standing outside the Whole Foods with the clipboard. But I don't know if you guys should go there. My hand's real sore now.
(Beat)
She wouldn't give me any candy unless I signed a whole bunch of cards. She didn't care what name I used, but said if I signed fifty of 'em I could fill my bag up with all the candy I could carry.
BALLERINA
(Showing bag)
I got a bunch, too.
GHOST
That's pretty good Where?
BALLERINA
The house with the basketball hoop out front. But I don't think he's really got any candy.
DINOSAUR
What do you mean?
BALLERINA
I got to the door the same time as Joey Hanson. He had a lot more candy than me. The guy answered the door and said that wasn't fair and made him give me half his candy. Joey ran home crying.
DINOSAUR
Let's go try that house.
The kids walk one house over and up to the door. String lights, multiple pumpkins, and other decorations adorn the yard and porch. Spiderman rings the bell. The doorbell plays Dixie. It opens and a woman dressed as the Bride of Frankenstein - with rimless glasses - answers.
BRIDE
Hey there, you kids! Happy Halloween!
KIDS
Trick or Treat! Give us something good to eat!
BRIDE
Oh, you betcha!
The Bride reaches into a bowl and pulls out four wrapped items, one for each.
BRIDE (CONT'D)
Here you go! Now don't get into any trouble!
The Bride closes the door as the kids skip off the porch. Spiderman checks his bag.
SPIDERMAN
Eww! Homemade moose jerky!
BALLERINA
Hey, isn't that your brother over there?
GHOST
Where?
BALLERINA
(Points to distance)
There.
GHOST
He's not supposed to go over there. He's going to get in trouble. Mom said to stay out of Russia!
BLACKOUT
Coming a wee bit late with this wrapup, but I held out hope that Mr. Brownlee was going to get a late shot off in the battle by Monday. Alas, the originator of last Friday's excellent theme was too bloodied from his week in the paper cut factory. But we did have a good fight. Three funny sketches were lobbed onto the field, each exploding with mad scientifical goodness.
Let's have a little change of pace for next week. If you read the sketches but aren't going to compete, comment here with your idea for what the theme should be. I'll pick my favorite and we'll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to Ken. And if you want to compete, email a link to your sketch to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.
But that's next week. This week's theme, Mad Scientist, was selected by Michael. Of course, I was going to give you a beautiful musical about a misunderstood mad scientist in love with a sweet girl, but that bastard Whedon stole my idea from me! He'll be hearing from my lawyers! Instead, I give you...
FSW: Dinner at Doctor Eskatos'
INT. CAR - NIGHT
CURT, late 20s in sport coat and oxford, drives. Beside him is his wife PAM, late 20s and fashionably dressed. Her sister GINNY, mid-30s on the verge of old-maid hood, sits in back with her hands clasped on her lap.
PAM
How much further?
CURT
It's right up ahead
PAM
You weren't kidding when you said he lived outside city limits.
CURT
He likes his space, I guess. How are you doing back there, Ginny? You've been awfully quiet.
GINNY
Hmm? Oh, I'm good. Just working through some tensor products.
Pam rolls her eyes. Curt turns to her befuddled.
PAM
Ginny does linear algebra in her head when she's nervous.
GINNY
I'm not nervous.
CURT
I flunked pre-algebra twice.
(beat)
We're here.
Curt stops the car and the three get out. They walk up to the front door or a neat, well-kept bungalow. As soon as Curt presses the bell, the door opens, revealing IVAR, a short, slightly hunchbacked nebbish.
IVAR
Master is expecting you. Come in.
INT. BUNGALOW - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
The guests enter the cozy home and Ivar closes the door behind them. He points them to the living room where DOCTOR ESKATOS - 40s, lean, unruly cloud of hair, wearing a long white lab coat - sits perfectly upright. His body carves out exact 90-degree angles in his floral couch. Matching the couch, the decor of the house is early-grandmother.
IVAR
Master, your guests.
ESKATOS
Yes, yes, Ivar. I can see that. Please go see to our meal.
Ivar exits through a swinging door to the kitchen. Eskatos rises and crosses to the visitors. He extends his hand to Curt.
ESKATOS
Curt, I'm so glad you could make it.
CURT
Thanks, Doctor Eskatos. I was honored you asked. This is my wife, Pam.
ESKATOS
(shaking hands)
Pam, nice to meet you. Your husband speaks very highly of you.
PAM
Thank you. He says...things about you, too. This is--
ESKATOS
--Your sister Ginny, I presume.
Eskatos clasps Ginny's hand and shakes it too hard and too long. But Ginny doesn't seem to notice. He lets go and gestures to sit. The door to the kitchen swings open and a tray of drinks enters the room, carried by IGOR, who looks exactly like his brother. The drinks are proffered.
CURT
Oh, that's perfect. I'm parched. Thanks, Ivar.
IGOR
Igor.
CURT
I thought your name was Ivar?
IGOR
Igor.
Igor turns to Eskatos and spills the last drink on him.
ESKATOS
Clumsy oaf!
IGOR
I'm sorry, master. Let me get you another!
Igor rushes out of the room leaving Eskatos to clean himself up.
PAM
He seems a little...
(whispering)
is there something wrong with him?
ESKATOS
(yelling)
His mother was a scallion!
GINNY
Scullion.
ESKATOS
What?
GINNY
Scullion. You said 'scallion', but you meant 'scullion'. I'm something of a wordy.
Curt and Pam look at each other, horrified.
ESKATOS
I said what I meant. His mother was a scallion. He and his brothers were some of my first experiments with human-vegetable hybrids.
The door swings open. Igor rushes back with a towel and another drink.
ESKATOS (CONT'D)
(dripping with disdain)
As you can see, the experiment was not a success.
The door swings open again and the third brother, BRYCE, enters with a cheese plate.
BRYCE
Master, we were out of the crackers you like, so I toasted some bagel chips.
ESKATOS
Yes. Fine. Whatever, Bryce. Leave us! Both of you!
Bryce and Igor scurry out. The door swings open again and Ivar starts to walk in, but his brothers' hands grab him and pull him back into the kitchen.
PAM
Doctor Eskatos, Ginny is working on her PhD, too.
ESKATOS
Oh really? That's fascinating. What is your field of interest?
GINNY
High energy physics.
ESKATOS
Fascinating.
PAM
Maybe Doctor Eskatos would like to hear about your thesis.
GINNY
Oh, I don't want to bore him with that.
ESKATOS
Nonsense! I'd love to hear about it.
The door swings open again. Ivar (or maybe one of his brothers, who can be sure?) sidles in and takes the untouched cheese plate. He also picks up the unfinished drinks and carries them out on a tray.
ESKATOS (CONT'D)
It's so difficult to grow good help these days. I should have used cauliflower. How much better things would be had I used cauliflower.
The door swings open again and two of the brothers try to walk through at the same time, jamming against the jamb. Finally, they figure out how to enter. Igor carries another tray of drinks.
BRYCE
Master, the lamb will be ready in 30 minutes.
Igor spills the drinks on Eskatos again.
ESKATOS
Aaargh! You imbecile! I should have chopped your mother up for garnish before you were ever born!
IGOR
Master, I'm sorry. Let me help you.
ESKATOS
You've done more than enough!
Eskatos takes out a PDA and taps it for a moment. There is a bright flash of light and a puff of smoke appears as Igor screams in pain and runs around the room. He is singed and smoking. Bryce runs to the kitchen. Curt and Pam stare in shock.
CURT
What was that?
ESKATOS
This? Death ray.
PAM
He's not dead.
CURT
(to Pam)
Pam, let's not upset the doctor, please.
ESKATOS
No Curt, she's right. He's not dead. Not even a little.
Igor, the top of his head stil smoking, grabs a drink and douses the embers.
ESKATOS (CONT'D)
Like all my other inventions, my orbital death ray is a failure.
CURT
Orbital?
ESKATOS
Yes. I have a series of satellites in polar orbit. I can target any location on the planet. But to what end? Look at that! Death ray, indeed.
GINNY
Microwaves?
ESKATOS
Of course.
GINNY
Have you considered crossing unsynched beams with tachyon pulses to set up--
ESKATOS
--To set up Frakes-Francis interference! Of course! How did I not think of it before. Igor!
The door swings open. Igor resists entering, but his brothers' hands shove him back into the room.
IGOR
Yes, master?
ESKATOS
Bring me the lamb!
IGOR
But master, it is not finished yet.
ESKATOS
And I plan to remedy that.
Igor exits as Eskatos takes his PDA and frantically taps.
CURT
This is fun, huh?
Igor returns with the lamb on a platter. He looks nervous as he sets it down on the table and takes several steps away from it. Eskatos points the PDA at the lamb and taps it once. A bright flash, a puff of smoke, and Igor is gone.
ESKATOS
Huh. Must not have accounted for the Wheaton drift. I never was any good at linear algebra.
BLACKOUT
Ever so sorry to have come up with this idjotic theme. Sadly, *this* was probably the best effort I was going to be able to produce. I went back to the well, sort of, and then let the spirit of Our Gang take over. I hope it doesn't make y'all gag.
Michael's back on the grid and has already selected next week's theme: Mad Scientist.
As usual, if you want to play along with us, email a link to your entry to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.
Best Friends
INT: CLUBHOUSE - DAY
JOHN, a stocky white boy in shorts and a too-tight button-up shirt sits at the front table. BARRY, a long lean black kid wearing a black suit, white shirt, and bow tie, sits next to his left. JOE, a skinny, nondescript white kid, sits to his right. A handful of other boys sit facing front. John bangs a gavel.
JOHN
I now bring this meeting of the He-Man Woman-Hater's Club to order. Would the secretary please read the minutes from our last meeting?
BARRY
Freddy complained that we were all talking too much during his nap time and we took a vote. 8-2 in favor of making Freddy nap up in the old tree fort with one abstention.
JOHN
Who abstained?
BARRY
Freddy. He dozed off while we were talking about it.
(Beat)
Then the defense committee reported on the treaty negotiations with Cub Scout Troupe 163. They were at an impasse over access rights to cross 13th Street to get to Gargantuan Comics.
(Beat)
And Teddy asked for our help getting his sister's doll out of Becker's stream where it sank after he crashed his bike trying to jump the old footbridge.
JOE
I still don't understand why he had the doll with him.
JOHN
Alright, let's hear from the defense committee first.
THREE BOYS stand up. They're dirty and scuffed up. One of them with a black eye, another with a fat lip. HARRY - skinny, blond, bespectacled - steps forward.
HARRY
They whipped us good. Cheaters. Tommy Monahan's sister Rosie came with 'em. We didn't stand a chance.
JOE
(Anxious)
Are you alright?
HARRY
Yeah, but when my mom catches sight of me she's gonna have a fit.
JOE
No, I mean are you alright?
Barry and John turn to each other and roll their eyes.
HARRY
Oh, oh! Yeah, heck! I forgot!
Harry turns to the other two boys, both a little younger than he, and inoculates them.
HARRY (CONT'D)
(To the first boy)
Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you've got the cootie shot.
(and the other)
Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you've got the cootie shot.
JOE
Harry, you'd better get yourself taken care of too before you spread 'em.
HARRY
Yeah. Billy, can you give me the shot?
BILLY gets up. He's thin, with brown hair and a drawl like sweet tea on a summer's day.
BILLY
Can do, Harry.
They leave the clubhouse.
JOE
Guys, you've gotta be more careful. We don't want another outbreak like last spring.
All the boys look up and to their left. The screen wavers and chimes play...
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
Title: Last Spring
Barry stands in front of the class, singing. HILLARY watches with stars in her eyes.
BARRY
(Singing)
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.
John looks on with a squint. Barry returns to his desk, right next to Hillary's. John gives him the ol' stinkeye as he passes.
HILARY
Ooooh, Barry. That was dreamy!
The screen wavers and chimes play again...
INT. CLUBHOUSE - DAY
Title: Today
Everyone shakes their heads and gets out of flashback mode. Barry turns to John and extends his hand...
BARRY
Brothers forever, pal. No broad's going to come between us again.
JOHN
(Shaking hands)
And how!
The door to the clubhouse opens. The defense committee comes back in, surrounding a girl! SARAH wears her brown hair in pigtails and the cutest little glasses. She carries a bb gun. All the boys in the clubhouse go nuts!
JOHN
(Banging his gavel)
Order! Order! What's she doing in here?
HARRY
We caught her spying outside.
BARRY
Is that true?
SARAH
Oh yeah, you betcha! I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, don'tcha know, so I scurried over here quick as a jackrabbit in deer season to peek through the knot hole. You boys sure like talkin' don'tcha?
JOE
Girl! Girl!
Joe gets up and starts running around like a headless chicken...until he bounces right off a wall and falls straight on his backside to the SOUND FX of little birds chirping.
JOHN
There are no girls allowed in here, Sarah. This is the He-Man Woman-Hater's Club.
SARAH
Oh John! You get so cute when you're all flustered-like. Your cheeks get red as fresh venison and you huff and puff like a little choo-choo train! You're so cute, I could just kiss ya!
John's eyes bug out. Barry's bow tie spins around as he stands gape-jawed.
BARRY
Well, now, Sarah. As you can surely deduce from the heretofore mentioned name, we have something of a exclusion policy with regard to persons of your gender--
SARAH
--There you go again! Gettin' all uppity and high-falutin' with your private school readin' and vocab-uh-lary. Why'n't you just talk like regular folks?
JOHN
Sarah, is that an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB gun with a compass in the stock?
SARAH
It sure is, cutie-pie!
BARRY
Really, I must protest. Sarah just doesn't belong here. We've still got club business to discuss.
JOHN
I could not disagree more. I think she brings a breath of fresh air to the place.
Sarah winks at John.
BARRY
Oh boy. Here we go again.
BLACKOUT
