FSW: Spider

This week's topic, as chosen by Michael, is procrastination. Oddly enough, I didn't wait until the last minute to write this. I'm sure you can't tell based on its quality, however. A couple items of note: 

• There were enough scene changes in here that trying to format as anything but a screenplay was irritating and hard to follow, so I did that and exported a pdf. If you can't see the Scribd plugin below, please let me know in comments and I'll gen a text version as well. If you like the way the Scribd plugin works for things like this, let me know that in comments. I might start using it for the occasional posting.
  
• If y'all couldn't guess, I'm joking here. Tom Kelly is a frakin' hero to me, as are all the engineers who worked on Apollo, Gemini, and Mercury. I recommend his book Moon Lander: How We Developed the Apollo Lunar Module if engineering and project management are at all interesting to you.
  
• Jim McDivitt and Rusty Schweickart flew LM-3, callsign Spider, in low Earth orbit while CM Pilot Dave Scott remained in Gumdrop on the 10-day Apollo 9 mission. This was the first manned flight of the LM and the little foil and mylar bastard passed with flying colors. (I'm exaggerating about its construction, again.)
  
• Next week's theme is...ah! Yes! In honor of what August 8 is, next week's theme will be DISNEY.
  

fsw spider - Upload a Document to Scribd

Read this document on Scribd: fsw spider

Open Letter to my co-worker

Dear Whiny Bitch,

Just because I treat you like you're stupid, you shouldn't feel bad. From where I sit, over 99% of the world is wanting in intelligence, so you're in good (at least popular) company. Besides, did I really treat you all that badly? I mean, sure: I asked the same question five or six times in a row, with incremental increases in volume. And sure: I tried explaining that as a yes/no question it should be relatively easy to answer. However in my defense, YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTION.

Let's try your options on for size, shall we?

"Yes."

"No."

"I don't know."

Not really all that difficult. I'm pretty sure a seven-year old could handle the variety of answers.

Now, as to your bruised feelings...

Fuck you.

Crying at work? Seriously? This is why I have to fucking pinch my nose and vote for Obama in November. Because women like you make it so that America will NEVER except a woman as President. You're an embarrassment to your gender. Might as well get the fucking vapors.

In conclusion: learn to answer yes/no questions with "yes", "no", or "I don't know" the first time they're asked; don't fucking cry at work.

Thank you,
CoyoteSquirrel

My Interview with Alex Epstein

Woohoo! Posted my interview with Alex Epstein up at Pop Critics. It's a pretty interesting look inside the show and some of the writing process. Please check it out if you get a chance.

PC: Did you put the team together back in Canada and fly it out as a group - I know Denis McGrath joined at the same time as you - or did you fill it out with local South African writers? How big was the writing team and what was its breakdown of Canadian to SA writers?

AE: The writing staff was Denis McGrath, Sean Carley and I. We had independently “auditioned” for Bob and Diane, our exec for CHUM, and given our “take” on the show. I met Sean on the plane; I met Denis the next day.

The Interwebs are full of me

Good morning, my peeps! It's Tuesday, so you know I've got a couple of recaps up over at Pop Critics. But let's not forget last week's Burn Notice recap and my Mad Men review from Sunday night. I'm spending a lot more time writing there then here, but I promise to start bringing you all gooey, original goodness again, soon.

• Burn Notice recap
• Mad Men recap
• Middleman recap
• Charlie Jade recap
  

FSW: President Paul

Um, well...so last week I selected the topic of cross dressing for this week's sketches. Little did I know that it wasn't an easy theme and I wouldn't get my first opportunity to work on it until a half-hour ago. Ugh. It's...okay. I treated it like an improv sketch and once I had the basis, just pushed forward without much concern about what was happening. It suffers from not having a really good through-line. Sorry. Next week, hopefully, I will have more time to write my sketch, but for now, take some small enjoyment from President Paul.


(A crowded press room. Reporters crammed in, shoulder-to-shoulder. There's a constant low-level murmur coming from them as they wait. As one, they all turn their heads and track someone moving to the podium. We're still on the reporters.)

REPORTER 1
Mr. President! Mr. President! Chuck Masters, LA Times. President Paul, how do you respond to those who say your election was a fluke? That if Barack Obama and John McCain hadn't been caught with their hands in Cookie Jar you would never have been anything more than a spoiler.

(We cut to the podium. Standing behind the Seal of the President: Ru Paul.)

PRESIDENT PAUL
First off, baby, it's Madame President! If Hilary had this much style she'd be standing here today. Second, I know Cookie Jar. She's huge on the erotic dance circuit. Y'all've been treating her like a pariah and that's not right. She's a sweetie and it's no wonder my former opponents were enthralled by her charms. As to your question, Chuck, let me say that I think the American public made an informed choice, an intelligent choice, and a choice they'll be very happy with.

REPORTER 2
Madame President! Cindy Shermer, Miami Herald.

PRESIDENT PAUL
Go ahead, Cindy.

REPORTER 2
Madame President, you won Florida handily, dominating in Miami-Dade county. Is this another case of confusing ballots and people voting for the wrong candidate?

PRESIDENT PAUL
Cindy, you look awfully pale. You don't get out much, get away from your computer screen, do you?

REPORTER 2
That's not relevant. Are you avoiding my question, Madame President?

PRESIDENT PAUL
Not at all, Cindy. I'm trying to answer it. Maybe you should get outside sometime and walk around your beautiful city. That's my city. My people. The freaks and fabs of Miami got up and voted for one of their own.

REPORTER 2
Are you saying you don't think the Serpentine ballots might have had something to do with it? With your name right next to Ron Paul's name?

PRESIDENT PAUL
Y'all think Miami and Fort Lauderdale would have voted in record numbers for a crazy man yelling about the gold standard? Why would they do that when they could vote for the real Gold Standard?

REPORTER 3
Madame President! Over here, please, Madame President! Pick me, pick me!

PRESIDENT PAUL
That's more like it! Go ahead, Francesco.

REPORTER 3
Thank you, darling! Francesco Batisti, Vogue. Madame President, what do you say to the rumors that you plan on picking Ralph Lauren to be your Secretary of State?

PRESIDENT PAUL
Sounds like you've got a source deep, deep inside, Francesco! That's right, I'm picking Ralph. He's a little darling, and when I think how America should present herself to the world, I think Lauren.

REPORTER 4
Madame President! Thank you. Cal Trumbo, FOX News. What are your plans for the court? It is likely that two or three Supreme Court justices could be replaced during your term in office. What sort of candidates are you going to seek to fill those openings?

PRESIDENT PAUL
Cal, I'll seek the same sort of candidates for those openings as for all my openings. Fabulous ones! Thank you all for coming, but I have to meet with the Joint Chiefs now!

BLACKOUT

Quantum Displacement of Dark Liquids

SECAUCUS, JULY 23 - This small bedroom community in Northern New Jersey seems an unlikely place for a breakthrough in physics. It seems even less likely that Alberto Fabrizi, a first generation watchmaker would make it. But today at the Nicholas G. Hayek Watchmaking School, Mr. Fabrizi demonstrated his revolutionary discovery before a packed audience of scientists and press.

The diminutive horologist stood at one end of the stage while an assistant stood at the other. Mr. Fabrizi then picked up a large cup of coffee and took a drink. As he did so, a stain formed and spread on the white shirt his assistant held in her hands.

At the podium, Mr. Fabrizi explained in halting English that he had gotten the idea from a barrista. "She tell me if she have coffee, it get on her shirt, guarantee. I think she make joke, but she right."

Professor Phineas Phluke of the Institute for Advanced Study at Princeton followed Mr. Fabrizi and announced that the two of them have formed a corporation and filed patents for the discovery. Dr. Phluke stated that he believed the discovery would have profound implications in communications, travel, and laundry science.

"We believe we can transmit information through the coffee spills, but the real achievement will be in understanding the process behind the displacement. If we can harness that, we can transfer anything, anywhere, instantaneously. This is the holy grail of transport."

Not everyone was impressed by the breakthrough. Professor Henry Nin of the Brookhaven National Lab gathered a small group of reporters around and explained that he had already published a paper on the effect. As he became more agitated his voice rose to a bellow and he yelled, "the quantum displacement principal doesn't just apply to coffee. I first noticed the effect with red wine, but soon thereafter was able to reproduce it with tomato sauce, grape juice, and chocolate pudding."

Professor Nin went on to say he was building a bubble out of chocolate pudding in his basement and would soon climb inside to transport himself to a nearby laundromat.

Tuesday Elsewhere

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do Monday night recaps bring?
A: Obnoxious links to my Charlie Jade and Middleman recaps at Pop Critics.

This week, we have Five Times the US RDA for Varsity Fanclub members!

The Dark Knight: No wonder he sleeps during meetings

Finally recovering from a couple of rough days and not enough sleep. For those who don't know, I saw the 3:15am IMAX showing of The Dark Knight on Friday morning. Since I had to do my Burn Notice recap for Pop Critics Thursday night (read it here) I only managed to squeeze in a paltry 2½ hours before getting up at the ungodly hour of 1:30.

Mike, who co-runs Pop Critics, had put together the little group of us who went. It was my first time meeting the guys, and I was happy to find them as funny and pleasant in person as they are online. The movie is...a masterpiece.

The four of us wrote up our first impressions (definitely not reviews) a little later that morning and Mike compiled them. I think they're worth a look-see.

First off, I didn’t think they could pull off introducing Robin without jumping the shark, but Christopher Nolan proved me wrong again. And I don’t know if she did her own stunts or not, but it really looked like Dakota Fanning was wearing the green domino and hopping around in those fight scenes...

Read the rest of my mini-thoughts on Robin, Christopher Nolan, and TDK along with those of Mike, The Trousered Ape, and The Cap'n at Pop Critics.

FSW: Working Through the Pain

We've decided that writing a sketch a week, often a few hours before it's due, isn't nearly challenging enough. From now on, we're going to write on set topics or themes. Michael's picked this week's theme: workaholics. I'll go ahead and pick next week's theme right now...cross dressing. (TheWife and I are going to see Eddie Izzard in Vegas next weekend.)

I wish I had more time to give this a bit more polish, but it's 10:45pm. I'm going to a 3:15am showing of "The Dark Knight" and need at least a little sleep. So my apologies for the rough edges.

(Ravi, a surgeon in his early 30s in surgical whites, works on a patient with OR nurse Betty at his side. Anesthesiologist Karl sits on the other side of the operating table monitoring his equipment. Ravi is performing delicate brain surgery on Amanda. An intricate ballet occurs between Ravi and Betty. Her responses to his one word grunts for instruments occur almost before he makes them. His hands fly.)

RAVI
Retractor. Melman. (BEAT) Damn it! Where's that priest?

BETTY
He should be here any moment. Are you sure you need him?

RAVI
Am I sure? Damn it, Betty - Debakey - don't you think I know what I'm doing? Kimmel.

BETTY
It just seems too soon for a priest. You're the best damn surgeon in the state. It's too soon to give up.

(Oh yeah, turns out this is the sort of brain surgery where the patient is awake.)

AMANDA
I'm right here!

RAVI
Take it easy, Amanda. Everything's going fine.

BETTY
I'm sorry. I just think...well...I'm sorry.

RAVI
Damn it, Betty. That's enough! Hemostat.

(The door to the OR flies open and a man rushes in. He's also dressed in surgical whites.)

RAVI
Father Rodriguez?

(It's not Father Rodriguez. It's Chip, Amanda's 20-something assistant.)

CHIP
No, sir. Amanda, there's a problem in Singapore. I did what I could without you, but the foreman said if the worker's demands aren't met they'll strike.

AMANDA
That's alright Chip. Come on over here. Doctor Cheswick, you don't mind if Chip takes your seat for a moment, do you?

KARL
But I have to watch this monitor here. See how it goes beep, beep, beep? If it stops, I have to press these switches and turn these dials. I can't just--

AMANDA
--Thanks. Scoot. Alright Chip, what's the skinny?

RAVI
Leno. Wipe, please.

(Betty wipes Ravi's brow with a piece of gauze held by forceps.)

CHIP
They're demanding a six-percent cost of living raise--

AMANDA
--That's doable.

CHIP
And Friday night off.

BETTY
I'm sorry, Doctor. I was out of line.

RAVI
That's alright. It's understandable. Balfour.

AMANDA
Friday night off? Every Friday? We can't do that. We'd never meet the production goals.

CHIP
Actually, just this Friday. George Michael is playing Jalan Besar Stadium and they want to go.

AMANDA
The entire shift?

CHIP
Apparently George Michael is like the David Hasselhoff of Singapore. Singapore's Germany in this analogy.

AMANDA
Fine. Do it. But every shift has to cut ten minutes off lunch for the next three weeks. Anything else?

CHIP
No, ma'am.

(Chip gets up and Karl takes his seat back. He turns a few dials, but nothing happens. As Chip leaves, another man enters the OR - Father Rodriguez.)

RAVI
Finally! I was beginning to think you wouldn't make it in time.

FATHER RODRIGUEZ
I came as quickly as I could, my son. Is this the woman?

RAVI
Yes. Amanda, this is Father Rodriguez.

AMANDA
I'd shake your hand, but I'm otherwise occupied.

(Polite chuckles all around, but from Betty. She's steamed.)

RAVI
Carson.

FATHER RODRIGUEZ
Ravi Srinivasan, do you take Amanda Palmer to be your lawfully wedded wife?

BLACKOUT

How is Captain Hammer like Eliza Doolittle?

Act II is up and it is HAWESOME! Songs are even better than Act I and things are really building to a head. The twists, the turns, the intrigue, the frozen yogurt!

And after checking that out, be sure to read Joss's interview with Gawker. He's hilarious. For a taste, here's one of the top three musical jokes *ever* told:

Q. Nathan Fillion strikes me as a great big pirate/cowboy sort of man-among-men. Surely such men cannot sing! Can he? Like really?

A. Nate's got pipes. (But we used Marni Nixon's voice anyway.) There's very little Nate can't do. He's a renaissance man! Like with the sculpting and the Italian guys!

Oh, Corn Muffin!

Episode 1

Episode 2

There's video above, FeedReader
Um. Awesome. Truly. Lloyd steps up *way* beyond air drumming, drug addicted, delivery driver here. The pathos, the pain. It's all there.

And that corn muffin? He should be the new Captain America.

Via John August

Tuesday Elsewhere

Tuesday morning means a double dose of me at Pop Critics.

Charlie Jade recap here...
Middleman recap here.

As always: read, laugh, cry, share.

Patrick Leahy in "The Dark Knight"

Sen. Patrick Leahy (D) gets more than a nonspeaking cameo in The Dark Knight. He gets a defiant line right before Mr. J stabs him in the face.

A lifelong fan of the World's Greatest Detective™, this is not Leahy's first foray to Gotham, but it's probably his coolest. He's been an animated governor, written introductions, and even appeared with no lines in 1997's Batman & Robin. That, of course, puts him several steps above George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, and the rest of the cast of that abomination. Had everyone kept their mouths shut - especially the Governator - and just mimed, maybe that Joel Schlockmaker flick wouldn't have sucked so very, very hard. Who knows.

Asked how he prepared for the role, Leahy let's us know he's not a Method actor:

So how did Mr. Leahy manage to find his character’s motivation? Was he thinking of Vice President Dick Cheney, who in 2004 used profanity to curse Mr. Leahy on the Senate floor?

“No, I wasn’t visualizing Dick Cheney,” Mr. Leahy said. “They can’t use that dialogue in a PG-13 movie.”

It's like me, but published elsewhere

It's Friday morning, which means my Burn Notice recap is up at Pop Critics.

Read and comment.

FSW: Rules of Order

(Amy stands at the head of a packed and unruly conference table. Everyone is talking over everyone else, trying to be heard above the din and chaos. Kurt sits quietly by Amy's side.)

AMY
People! People! Please! Can we have order, please?!

(She bangs her hand on the table and the chattering stops. Amy's got control for the moment.)

AMY
Thank you. Alright, now as I was saying--

STEVEN
--Amy, look we're not getting anywhere with this, right? Can I make a suggestion?

AMY
Sure, Steven. What do you--

KURT
(whispers) --he can't talk yet.

AMY
What?

KURT
(still whispering) He hasn't been recognized by the chair. He can't talk.

AMY
But I'm the chair.

KURT
(still, like a weenie, whispering) You have to say it.

AMY
(sighs) Fine. The chair recognizes Mr. Denton.

STEVEN
Uh, right, okay. Where was I? Oh, yeah. I think we should just put it to a vote whether we should even use the money from the bake sale for new band uniforms. I think it should help pay for the field trip to the capitol, and why should we fight over band uniforms if we aren't even going to have the money to buy them?

AMY
Okay. Anything to just get on to the next agenda item. Who thinks we should buy new uniforms? Raise your hand.

KURT
(whispering...seriously? what's with this guy?) You can't do that! He has to make a motion first, then it has to be seconded. We're nowhere near voting on it.

AMY
You're serious? We've been at this for two hours already. Let's just try to make some headway. Don't you want to go home to your family? I know I'd love to get the hell out of here and get a drink or three.

KURT
(whispering...now he's just doing it to piss me off) As much as I love my wife and kids, I love RONR. Without it, we'd be no better than savages!

(Kurt holds up his copy of "Robert's Rules of Order Newly Revised" triumphantly and Amy considers it seriously for a moment. Then she snatches the book from the little twerp's hand and CONKS him over the head with it. Kurt's knocked backward and knocked out.)

AMY
Okay, everyone raise your hand if you think we should buy uniforms.

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS UP 

(Same configuration as before, only now Kurt sits a little farther from Amy. Everyone is dressed differently: another week, another meeting.)

AMY
Alright, our first order of business tonight--

KURT
Ahem. Excuse me?

AMY
(sighs) The chair recognizes Mr. Burton.

KURT
After last week's meeting I had a lot of time to think. After I came to, anyway. And I think you were right, Madam Chair. I think for our little PTA, RONR is just too cumbersome and formal. So I'd like to propose we change to the Native American model.

AMY
What's that, Kurt?

(Kurt picks up a large stick from behind his chair and holds it up.)

KURT
The Talking Stick. Whoever holds the stick can speak. No one else can speak without the stick. It gets passed around to each person in turn who can speak, or elect not to. It's very fair.

(Amy holds out her hand for the stick. Kurt hands it over.)

AMY
Hmm. I see what you mean. This does seem better than that fussy little book.

(Amy CONKS Kurt with the talking stick. Over and out.)

AMY (CONT'D)
Okay. First order of business tonight is the pancake breakfast.

BLACKOUT

Back to Blogger comments (again)

Okay. Another experiment in commenting is over. I think all the posts going forward should be okay...the ones between turning Disqus on and this post? Not so sure.

Oh well.

It's coming! Next week

A widget for your twitchy, widgety, fidgety needs.

Elsewhere on the DubDubDub

It's Tuesday, and you know what that means. Pop Critics recaps! Similar to pop bottle caps, but totally different. When you redeem mine, you get smiles and tingly feelings all over. Click, read, and comment my droogies.

• Charlie Jade
• Middleman
  

The biggest fucking missiles you will ever see

Oh my stars! The wonder, the majesty, the BAY!

Michael Bay's rejected script for The Dark Knight!

via Mightygodking.

Wiping my hands of my first draft

Well. About a day behind where I wanted to be, I finished the first draft of my Pushing Daisies spec on Friday afternoon. Sent it over to TheWife for her first blush take and her comments weren't too devastating. I failed to capture the Narrator's unique voice and didn't push the more colorful of the guest characters to a great enough extreme for PD.

I put it aside for a day. Veg'd last night, prepped my Charlie Jade recap for Monday night, and just hung out with TheWife and the dogs.

Finished my first light readthrough of it a few minutes ago and...I failed to capture the Narrator's unique voice and didn't push the more colorful of the guest characters enough. So a) good that I don't think it's worse than TheWife does and b) super-happy I don't have structural problems. Phew!

So, tomorrow...I think I'll start out with a mini-marathon of PD. First I'll re-read the scripts I have, then I'll watch another two or three episodes. Try to get a better feel for Jim Dale's cadences. Then...rewriting.

I'm actually really happy. Other than these niggling problems (alright, blowing the Narrator on PD is not exactly "niggling") this is a solid screenplay. I'm going to be happy to send this out later in the week for initial feedback and think I'm going to be proud as a new poppa to submit this for ABC-Disney.

Who knows? Maybe this'll be the year I can take a massive cut in pay for the Fellowship!

Friday Night Sketch War: July 4th Edition

The fireworks for our nation's celebration paled in comparison to the fireworks on display in this week's two-man dustup. Two warriors, using every weapon in their arsenals in an all-out battle for ultimate victory!

• Coyote launched the first attack, a Roman Candle of Vengeance, and a dozen Sparklers of the Undead...
• Michael retaliated with a barrage of M80s of Destruction and a Cinnamon Sizzler!

We've got the true story of our nation's founding and the maybe true story of Michael's first date. Poor guy. That's gotta sting.

Our Time is Up

There's video above, FeedReader

Wow. Great short. Like a damn fool, I don't go out of my way to watch all the short films that get nominated for Oscars each year. So I miss out on beauties like this one. Nominated in 2005, this is Our Time is Up, written and directed by Rob Pearlstein and starring Kevin Pollack.

Oh, and how did this come to my attention? Was it a screenwriter's blog? A film reviewer? A critical site? Nope. Via Mind Hacks.

But the title is cute, at least

There's video above, FeedReader.
Yeah. Okay, I'm all for making movies where the sexual orientation of the characters is secondary to their function/purpose. I think it's great that a production company exists - Baby Steps - that wants to make movies where non-stereotypical characters happen to be gay. What I don't think is great is making shitty movies that make no goddamn sense.

From the trailer, I've learned that if the Earth's geomagnetic orientation flips, the plant is doomed!

Apparently the planet has been doomed hundreds of times in its history.

You know, I don't expect directors and screenwriters and producers to know a goddamn thing about science. Really I don't. But Jesus Christ, do a fucking Google search, will ya?

Or hire a "technical consultant". You could pick up a freshman physics major for cheap and she'd know more about science than the accumulated wisdom of Hollywood.

FSW: The Legend of the Fourth

I decided to go with an Independence Day theme for this one, also challenging Michael to see if he could do the same. We'll see what he comes up with later, but for now, please enjoy my offering.

The Legend of the Fourth
(Stan sits at the edge of his young son Seth's bed, tucking him in for the night. Sunlight leaks through a break in the window coverings.)

STAN
Okay, sport. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

SETH
Dad, why do I have to go to bed so early tonight?

STAN
Well, tiger, this is the scariest night of the year. The night when the walking dead roam the land looking for young boys and girls so they can eat their brains. Tonight is July 4th.

SETH
But Jimmy said there were fireworks tonight. His parents are taking him to the lake to watch.

STAN
Then Jimmy's parents mustn't love him like your mom and I love you, champ. Fireworks aren't fun and games. We set off fireworks to scare away the monsters. Close your eyes and I'll tell you the legend of the fourth.

Tom Jefferson hated the king. When Tom was a boy, he'd written a long letter to the king, telling him how he wanted to become a knight someday so he could hit people over the head with a hammer. But the king never wrote back. So when Tom grew up, he had it in for the king. Problem was, Tom was what they call a dilettante, which is a fancy word for no-good slacker. Like your Uncle Bob.

He looked everywhere for other people who hated the king. Patrick Henry hated the king because he was greedy. Patrick was always saying to people "give me this or give me that," but the king never gave Patrick anything. Ben Franklin hated the king because the king didn't like the electric lights Ben invented. John Adams hated the king because he wanted to be king himself.

So they worked on a plan to destroy the kingdom.

First they stole bodies from the cemetery. Then Patrick Henry took all the best parts from the bodies and sewed them together to make a better body. He realized that none of the teeth would fit in the mouth he'd used, so he asked his friend Paul Bunyan to carve some out of wood. They put them in the mouth and used Ben Franklin's electricity to make it come to life.

They named him George Washington and he beat the king up until he left. Then he chopped down a cherry tree and made everyone a pie to celebrate. That was the first July 4th in 1776.

They realized that if they could make George come back to life, maybe Ben Franklin's electricity could also make them live forever. So later that day they went back to Ben Franklin's secret lab.

Patrick Henry was greedy, so he wanted to live forever. He used Ben Franklin's electricity on himself.

Ben Franklin wanted to invent more things, like stoves and kites, so he used his electricity on himself.

John Adams wanted to be king forever, so of course he used Ben Franklin's electricity on himself.

But Tom decided he didn't want to live forever. And that was good, because what none of them knew was that Ben Franklin's electricity could keep them alive forever, but every year on the same day they'd made themselves live forever, they'd need to eat. If they didn't eat, the hunger would gnaw away at them and make them feel like they'd been kicked in their boy place.

The only thing that would make the hunger go away was brains. Brains of little boys and girls.

The next year on July 4th, Tom saw John Adams in the street trying to catch some children to eat their brains. He said, "John Adams, what are you trying to do to those children?"

John Adams said, "Why, I'm trying to eat their brains Tom Jefferson!"

Tom needed to save the children, so he tried to think of a way to scare off John Adams. Then he figured it out. He could use fireworks. "Everyone knows that zombies don't like loud noise," thought Tom. "Maybe John Adams is like a zombie now."

Tom was right, and the fireworks scared off John Adams. Zombie John Adams.

And that's why every year on the fourth of July, the children go to bed early and the grownups set off fireworks. To protect you from Zombie John Adams, Zombie Ben Franklin, and Zombie Patrick Henry.

(Seth's face is barely visible, with a deeply traumatized look in his eyes. The whole bed is shaking from his terror.)

SETH
What about Zombie George Washington?

STAN
Right. Him too. He's the worst. With those wooden teeth, chewing on the little brains.

Alright, buckaroo. It's time to go to sleep.

(Stan gets up and exits the room. Seth continues to tremble. Outside Seth's bedroom, Stan's wife Kerry gives him a long, deep kiss. She's wrapped in a fluffy robe.)

KERRY
How did it go?

STAN
Great. He won't be coming out till morning.

KERRY
Okay. Then you'd better hurry and get changed. I don't want to be late.

STAN
What about you?

(Kerry opens her robe to reveal a latex bustier, stilletto heels, and a garter belt. She picks up a riding crop from a nearby table and gives Stan a healthy whack with it.)

KERRY
Our first Sparklers and Spankers party? I've been ready for hours.

BLACKOUT

The X-Ray Plot

Curses! Foiled again!

Former Iranian ambassador to Rome said that Ahmadinejad's bodyguards had foiled the American "X-ray plot," whereby the Iranian leader was to be exposed to excessive radiation.

The bodyguards found that the metal detectors installed at the ambassador's residence gave off radiation measuring three times the normal level, the former ambassador said.

That's okay. We'll get him next time. We're going to send him a big set of Legos. Some of those pieces should easily get lodged in his throat.

Moo-ha-ha!!!

Tuesday Morning Quarterbacking

It's a Two-fer Tuesday. My recaps of Charlie Jade and Middleman are up at Pop Critics. Go take a look before the Luchadores trap you in a cage of light!