FSW: Rules of Order

(Amy stands at the head of a packed and unruly conference table. Everyone is talking over everyone else, trying to be heard above the din and chaos. Kurt sits quietly by Amy's side.)

AMY
People! People! Please! Can we have order, please?!

(She bangs her hand on the table and the chattering stops. Amy's got control for the moment.)

AMY
Thank you. Alright, now as I was saying--

STEVEN
--Amy, look we're not getting anywhere with this, right? Can I make a suggestion?

AMY
Sure, Steven. What do you--

KURT
(whispers) --he can't talk yet.

AMY
What?

KURT
(still whispering) He hasn't been recognized by the chair. He can't talk.

AMY
But I'm the chair.

KURT
(still, like a weenie, whispering) You have to say it.

AMY
(sighs) Fine. The chair recognizes Mr. Denton.

STEVEN
Uh, right, okay. Where was I? Oh, yeah. I think we should just put it to a vote whether we should even use the money from the bake sale for new band uniforms. I think it should help pay for the field trip to the capitol, and why should we fight over band uniforms if we aren't even going to have the money to buy them?

AMY
Okay. Anything to just get on to the next agenda item. Who thinks we should buy new uniforms? Raise your hand.

KURT
(whispering...seriously? what's with this guy?) You can't do that! He has to make a motion first, then it has to be seconded. We're nowhere near voting on it.

AMY
You're serious? We've been at this for two hours already. Let's just try to make some headway. Don't you want to go home to your family? I know I'd love to get the hell out of here and get a drink or three.

KURT
(whispering...now he's just doing it to piss me off) As much as I love my wife and kids, I love RONR. Without it, we'd be no better than savages!

(Kurt holds up his copy of "Robert's Rules of Order Newly Revised" triumphantly and Amy considers it seriously for a moment. Then she snatches the book from the little twerp's hand and CONKS him over the head with it. Kurt's knocked backward and knocked out.)

AMY
Okay, everyone raise your hand if you think we should buy uniforms.

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS UP 

(Same configuration as before, only now Kurt sits a little farther from Amy. Everyone is dressed differently: another week, another meeting.)

AMY
Alright, our first order of business tonight--

KURT
Ahem. Excuse me?

AMY
(sighs) The chair recognizes Mr. Burton.

KURT
After last week's meeting I had a lot of time to think. After I came to, anyway. And I think you were right, Madam Chair. I think for our little PTA, RONR is just too cumbersome and formal. So I'd like to propose we change to the Native American model.

AMY
What's that, Kurt?

(Kurt picks up a large stick from behind his chair and holds it up.)

KURT
The Talking Stick. Whoever holds the stick can speak. No one else can speak without the stick. It gets passed around to each person in turn who can speak, or elect not to. It's very fair.

(Amy holds out her hand for the stick. Kurt hands it over.)

AMY
Hmm. I see what you mean. This does seem better than that fussy little book.

(Amy CONKS Kurt with the talking stick. Over and out.)

AMY (CONT'D)
Okay. First order of business tonight is the pancake breakfast.

BLACKOUT