FSW: Bailout!

Okay, the funny stuff in here? The good words? Stolen from greater men than I. Or worse, stolen and munged by a degenerate just to get them to fit my nefarious needs. So, to Alan Jay Lerner, Joe Darion, and Frank Loesser, I give all my humble and feeble thanks.

Ken picked out this week's theme - bailout - and came out of the gate first with, you guessed it, a musical sketch! His is original and funny and ends with the biggest laugh I've had all week. Michael hasn't shown up yet - he's thinking about a break from the Internet for a little while - but I'm still hoping his worse angels get the better of him. And I can't believe I forgot...David returns with a sketch! It's not on-theme, but who cares?

As for next week, the theme is...best friends.

As usual, if you want to play along with us, email a link to your entry to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

Bailout!

EXT. THEATER - NIGHT

A small crowd of bedraggled and weary souls are gathered under a marquis. Their faces are sunken but their smiles are beaming. Behind them are posters for "Bailout!"

WOMAN #1

I found a Jujube under my seat! And it was warm in there. It's been so cold.

CAMERAMAN (O.C.)

But did you enjoy the play?

WOMAN #1

It was amazing. I cried. A lot.

WOMAN #2

Best show in years.

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

Three actors dressed as SENATORS LIEBERMAN, SPECTER, and COLEMAN huddle to one side.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Come see the smash hit everyone's talking about, "Bailout!" Winner of seven Tonys, including Best Play, Best Drama, and Best Place to Stay Warm in February. With songs you won't soon forget, like this one...

CLOSE ON SENATORS

SENATORS LIEBERMAN, SPECTER, AND COLEMAN

(singing)

The Secretary is just a Goy
Not a M.O.T., just a Goy.
To finagle and dangle and skillfully wrangle
The financial hoi polloi
The Wall Street meltdown is not
Safe in the hands of a Goy.

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

The stage is set for a Senate hearing. An actor playing LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD sits at the witness table with his ATTORNEY. Several SENATORS sit across him at their desks.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Or this hilarious number...

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

Senators!

(singing)

Do you recall the other night that I distinctly said you might
Shore up my junk bonds and bad mortgages?
Well, I'm afraid there's someone who I must sell to in place of you
Someone who plainly is beyond compare
China's portfolio is more tremendous than I have e'er seen anywhere
And when an offer is that tremendous
It, by right, should buy up all my shares.

SENATORS

(speaking)

But Richard, let us bargain with them and beat them!
Don't refuse us so abruptly, we implore!
Give us the opportunity to outbid them
And China will be smashed upon the floor!

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

You'll bash and thrash them?

SENATORS

We'll smash and mash them.

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

You'll give them trouble?

SENATORS

They will be rubble.

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

A mighty whack?

SENATORS

Their market will crack.

LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

Well...

(singing)

Then you may buy up all my shares
If you do all the things you promise
In fact, my heart would break should you not buy up all my shares.

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

A lone spot on an actor portraying SENATOR MCCAIN. He stands in front of the curtain, facing the audience.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Or this soul-wrenching number about thwarted dreams from Tony-winner Neil Patrick Harris...

SENATOR MCCAIN

(singing)

I have dreamed thee too long,
Never seen thee or touched thee.
But known thee with all of my heart.
Half a prayer, half a song,
Thou hast always been with me,
Though we have been always apart.

Oval Office... Oval Office...
I see heaven when I see thee, Oval Office,
And thy desk is just a place
I'll never sit in... Oval Office... Oval Office!

CUT TO:

Titles. "Bailout!" in white letters on black.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Come see "Bailout!", playing now and forever at the Winter Garden Theater. Located between the Helping Hands Soup Kitchen and the Unemployment Office.

BLACKOUT