Our hearty meals digested, our concubines put aside, we stepped up to the dohyō. Again, three of us had come to the ceremonial ground to battle for supremacy. The yobidashi brush the sand smooth where we had sat as we step up to the shikiri-sen.
I'm firing off an early attack in an attempt to draw First Blood. Or maybe to draw Rambo: First Blood Part 2. Should any new grapplers feel up to entering the Sumo ring of sketch war, please email a link to your submission (or its full text if you are homepageless) to sketchwar_at_dreamloom_dot_com.
Fight the Patriarchy
(Two hippies, Breeze and Anton, sit at a card table outside Whole Foods. Scent lines of patchouli and pot wafting from their hemp clothing and unkempt dreads are almost visible. A middle-aged man walks away from the card table with a pamphlet Breeze has handed him.)
BREEZE
You shouldn't let your parents control your life.
ANTON
It's not like that. I want to be an engineer.
BREEZE
That's because you've been indoctrinated. Why else would you want to rape Mother Earth?
ANTON
Dude, I don't want to rape anything. I just wanna build dams and bridges.
BREEZE
Dams block the natural flow of Gaia's tears. Bridges support the war machine. Engineering was invented by white men so they could fight wars and enslave women and minorities.
ANTON
C'mon. It's just cool to build stuff. When I was a kid, I'd play with my Legos for hours, building space stations and cities, and imagining all the people who lived and worked there. Didn't you do that?
BREEZE
Plastic tools of the patriarchy! With all those round...pegs forced into innocent holes by grubby male hands!
ANTON
Whoa. You've got some serious issues.
BREEZE
Sorry. It's the rape culture. It gets to me.
There's a tribe in the rainforest where the women are in charge. They don't even have a word for war. They don't have a word for yellow either, but that's okay. They call it "color of the pus from a scorpion sting".
(A well-kept woman in her 40's walks up to the table and glances at the material.)
ANTON
Do you want to sign our petition?
WOMAN
What's it for?
ANTON
Um...
BREEZE
It's a petition requiring all the schools in the district to use paper made from locally grown hemp. It's biodegradable, renewable, and supports small farmers instead of evil international paper corporations.
WOMAN
Uh, maybe I'll sign on my way out...
(Woman rushes away and into the store)
BREEZE
Did you forget why we're here?
ANTON
I just...Tuesday it was to stop Japan's whale hunt, Thursday it was to rename MLK Boulevard to Rosa Parkway --
BREEZE
-- MLK was a tool of the hegemony! --
ANTON
-- and yesterday it was to require Herstory be taught in grade school. I just lost track of the day.
BREEZE
You know, there's a tribe in Laos that doesn't have calendars or clocks. We could learn a lot from them. They have a wise-woman who tells them when it's time to reap and time to sow. She uses her menstrual cycle to determine everything. I'm thinking of spending the summer there. Or maybe on a walking tour of Nepal.
(As Breeze has been jabbering, a 20-something dude in a pink shirt with popped collar has approached.)
CHAD
Bethany? What happened to your hair?
BREEZE
Uh, um, Chad. It's, great to...see...um. Anton? This is Chad. He...I...we went to high school together.
CHAD
'Sup.
So I was talking to your mom at the club yesterday. She said you weren't going to Rome this year 'cause you just wanted to veg on the beach. You going to Cannes, or just hanging in the Hamptons?
BREEZE
(Embarrassed in front of Anton) The Hamptons.
CHAD
Coolio. Me too. Dakota and Bryce'll be there, too.
BREEZE
(Failing to hide her excitement) Bryce? Oh...uh, whatever.
CHAD
Ai-ight. Peace out. See ya later.
(Chad struts off.)
BREEZE
Don't say a word.
ANTON
Bethany?
BREEZE
Not a word!
There's an Amazon link above, FeedReader
One of my favorite possessions (which is not currently in my possession, but my friend's as he keeps forgetting to bring them when we get together) is the original run of Black Orchid. I haven't read it in almost twenty years (though figured I would when I got it back before reshelving it) but still remember Dave McKean's stunning artwork, the insane, foot long ears he put on Bats' cowl, and this one scene, early on with a bomb...
I won't spoil it. It was memorable.
Anyway, it appears that one of my favorite imports from the Great White North also has a soft spot for Black Orchid. Rachel McAdams told MTV that she'd like to play the titular heroine.
"I just read this book Black Orchid and it’s a really interesting character," the actress said. "She’s a superhero that’s a flower. I don’t know if that would work or the audiences would be interested in that, but she was kind of cool."Maybe instead of wasting money on another shitty Superman movie (Brandon Routh? Really?) or cobbling together a miscast, garbage Justice League movie in a frantic reaction to Marvel's upcoming Avengers flick, Time-Warner should do something good.
Not just a flower, but a plant/human hybrid able to alter her appearance and voice, regenerate — even fly. And one that, although relatively unheard of, comes with a pretty recognizable comic pedigree, McAdams reminded.
"I like all the Neil Gaiman stuff. It’s great," McAdams said of the comics god who reinvented the character with a limited series run in 1988. "I think it’s really visually so dynamic and would work really well."
I can't believe Watchmen is a year away! Then again, after 20+ years of waiting, I can't believe it's only a year away!
Always a fan as well as a director, Zack Snyder's got a new post up at the official production blog. Photos of most of the principals in costume. I had a little nerdgasm from the pic of Rorschach before. Imagine how I reacted when I saw this set of five! And let me tell you, as every prior production shot has shown, the set designers have nailed the universe. Archie looks wicked cool behind Nite Owl.
But don't take my word for it. Click through.
As much as I'm looking forward to The Dark Knight and Iron Man this year, that pales in comparison to the tantric delight I'm building up for Watchmen.
All the answers are in comments on the quiz, but for the more sane amongst you who aren't following those comments, here we go.
There's video above, FeedReader
Okay. I have to admit I have a weakness for power ballads. I think I just happened to fall into that sweet age spot that thinks Meatloaf and Bonnie Tyler and their comparables are the bee's knees. No matter how many times that Bat comes out of Hell, or Bonnie Eclipses her Heart, I'm there.* So when I saw this video...man, I was in power ballad heaven. I'd never heard/of Kareen Antonn before this, but I'm going to seek her out. She obviously has taste, and I like her voice a ton (none of that nasty "diva" oversinging.) It doesn't hurt that she's a hottie, either.
via Pamie.com
After back surgery, which was intended as an outpatient procedure, the first thing I noticed upon regaining consciousness was the absence of back pain. After years of agony and months of crippling spasms, it felt like nothing. Okay. That's cool, but how about walking? For the first time ever, both my feet pointed straight ahead as I took those first tentative steps. Steps toward freedom, steps toward home. Steps toward the bathroom.
Do you know what you have to do in order to be released after surgery? Pee. After hours under anesthesia, hours with a catheter taking care of your every urinary need, it's time to be a big boy again. Walk ten steps, step up to the plate, and... Here's the deal: it's a go/no-go decision based on your ability to go/no-go.
The last time I was in this hospital I'd had my gallbladder removed. Nasty little bugger, it wouldn't let me eat like the Tudor king I've always aspired to be. I'd scheduled a lap choly for early January, but that stupid sac had ideas of its own. It wasn't going without a fight. The Monday morning between Christmas and New Year's it had me on the ropes and I had to be admitted to the hospital and the soothing delirium of a morphine drip. Two days later - two weeks earlier than planned - that vile bag of bile was permanently removed from my body. And then began the road to release. Could Little Richard pee?
I thought I was doing okay. By the second night after surgery, I'd peed a few times. Things were going great, right? The doctor did not agree. So he had one of the two very lovely night nurses with whom I'd been unsuccessfully and unsoberly flirting come into my room and take an ultrasound of my bladder. It's an especially large bladder - the blame for which I place squarely on my father's shoulders for all those long, meandering car trips in my youth - and even though I'd let loose a goodly amount, the doctor wanted more. Lovely Night Nurse Number Two had the solution I'd never have proposed to a problem I'd never have acknowledged: a straight catheter. She lubed. She inserted. I emptied. I did not flirt with her again during my stay.
So as I walked toward the bathroom door, ecstatic that my feet pointed the way and my back pain was but a memory, I pondered my giant white whale: my small white penis. Could I pee? Frightened of what I might find in that small, tiled room, I glanced back at my wife. She looked on nervously. I opened the door, stepped across the threshold, closed the door behind me, and assumed the position. It was do, or die of embarrassment. I stood for an eternity. I thought of waterfalls. I thought of rivers. I thought of Billy Ocean. I counted ceiling tiles. Finally...ahhhhh.
The votes are in:
Benchley - 4
Wodehouse - 3
Whedon - 1
Corinthian - 1
Add in the super delegates and...Wodehouse edges out Benchley by the tip of his cute little brown nose.
While Werner Von Braun and his oompah band calculated payloads and trajectories...
While Alan Turing and his merry enigmatic men were playing with bombes at Bletchley Park...
While Robert Oppenheimer herded cats at Los Alamos (and Feynman taught his computer to play tricks)...
MI5 chased stardust.
The government rented an apartment for de Wohl in a hotel in London's exclusive Park Lane. On paper headed Psychological Research Bureau, he reported on clients and wrote horoscopes for Allied and Nazi leaders.
But de Wohl's predictions were often so vague it is impossible to see any military use. Take his December 1942 prediction for seven months later: "The German astrologers must pray that enemy action does not force the Fuehrer into making important decisions within the first eight days of the month (of July), as this would lead to great disaster."
Here's the new little guy, Parker's new baby brother. He's still got no name, unfortunately. There are a few options, sticking with our preference of naming for authors. So, pipe up in comments and vote for your favorite name to match up with (Dorothy) Parker:
The armies assembled on their respective sides of the battlefield the evening before committing their forces to the attack.
I've been tagged by Christina.
Look up 15 of your favorite films on IMDb and take a quote from each. List them below. When someone guesses the quote correctly, cross it off the list. NO CHEATING. There are a few gimmes in here, but I think there should be at least one or two that no one's got a shot at.
Leave a comment with your answers.
The Quotes: 15 of My Favorite Films
Because I am a man, I must do this. Because y'all bother coming here, I figure some of you must, too.
Bacon cups.
Tips hat (and hopes bacon grease doesn't fall out) to Mightygodking.
(Scott Van Pelt and Mel Kiper stand in a broadcast booth at an arena. Graphics read "2008 NFL COMBINE".)
SCOTT
Welcome back. I'm joined now in the booth by Mel Kiper. Mel, what are your thoughts on the first three days of competition?
MEL
Scott, this has been a great combine. It's been an especially strong year for the skill positions, with quarterbacks and receivers performing particularly well. We're still waiting on the official scores on the Wonderlic, but early reports show none of the surprises we've had in years past. Today we'll be seeing defensive linemen and defensive backs and I know a lot of GMs are anxious to see how they do.
SCOTT
It looks like we've already got our first defensive back warming up down on the course now. It's Darren McKnight out of Purdue. Mel, what can you tell us about Darren?
(Down on the field, we see that an obstacle course has been set up. There's a large seesaw, a series of jumps, a long line of slalom poles, a curved tunnel. A layout familiar to anyone who has ever seen dog agility trials.)
MEL (O.S.)
Darren's a smaller d-back, but he's quick and agile and can run all day. You really love watching guys like this, the way they just jump around, always excited and happy to please.
(Darren and a middle-aged woman are at the starting line. Darren is hopping around like a Jack Russell and the woman holds out a piece of bacon for him.)
MEL (O.S.)
Darren's handler is his mother and agent, Myrtle McKnight. She's an experienced handler, having managed both of Darren's older brothers at the combine in year's past. Vince is a wide receiver for the Cardinals, and Trey is a punter and backup QB up in Buffalo. She knows what she's doing out there, and as long as she can keep Darren's attention, he'll do great.
(A gun sounds and Darren starts running the course. Myrtle guides him through it.)
SCOTT (O.S.)
He's going great out there. Looks like a real pro, doesn't he?
MEL (O.S.)
He sure does, Scott. Myrtle's giving him just enough freedom to really fly, but still keeping him focused. Look how she's always one step ahead of Darren so he knows where to go next.
(Darren overshoots the entrance to the slalom poles and Myrtle has to get him back to restart them.)
MEL (O.S.)
Oh no! That's a five second penalty! He's going to have to really work hard to make up that loss.
(Darren finishes the course and jumps into his mother's arms and kisses her.)
SCOTT (O.S.)
That really was a shame, wasn't it. Looked like he had a shot at the course record.
MEL (O.S.)
He sure did, Scott, but I think his time will still put him in the top three for his position.
SCOTT (O.S.)
Let's go down to Erin Andrews on the field and see what the competitors have to say.
(Sideline reporter and Internet sensation Erin Andrews stands by Myrtle and Darren. Darren jumps out of his mother's arms and hops around, still excited from his run.)
ERIN
Myrtle, can you tell us what happened out there?
(Darren gets down on all fours and starts to sniff Erin's crotch.)
ERIN
Oh my! That's a good boy. Okay! That's enough, now. Down, big fella!
MYRTLE
Darren! Mind your manners, boy!
(Darren stops sniffing and sits by Myrtle.)
MYRTLE
Sorry, Erin. He gets a little excited sometimes.
(Erin, excited herself, fans herself.)
ERIN
That's alright, Myrtle. He's a cutie pie. Aren't you, Darren? Such a good boy.
(Back to the booth.)
SCOTT
Okay. We'll come back to Erin in a bit. Up next, wide receivers jump off a pier to retrieve a stick.
BLACKOUT
