04 September 2008

FSW: Death of a Henchmen

So last week, TheWife suggested I write my sketch on gatherings about a funeral. I already had an idea in mind which I liked, so I decided against it. But when it came time to pick this week's topic, I was happy to burden the other guys with funerals! This way, we ALL get to put the fun back in funeral.

I'm moderately happy with this one, though I realized as I was wrapping it up that I had no ending for it. That kinda sucks. Thankfully, I had Victor.


Death of a Henchman
(A bright living room: neatly decorated with feminine touches throughout. Several tables are laid out with casseroles and bowls of food. A large wreath dominates one corner. Many people mill about in black. The widow, MARJORIE STEVENSON, is talking with BILL JENSEN.)

MARJORIE
I still can't believe Walt's gone. It's just like him though. He promised he'd clean out the gutters this weekend. Now he'll never...
(Sobbing)
...he'll never make up another excuse to get out of helping around the house.

(Bill puts his arm around Marjorie.)

BILL
I know. He was good at that. Used to get out of cleanup at work, too. Not that anyone cared. He was worth ten of us. We were happy to do his share around the hideout.

MARJORIE
Thanks, Bill.

BILL
Quite a turnout. I'll bet every henchman in town is here.

(Sargent O'Herlihy walks over. A stout Irish man raised on beef and Irish stout, his nose looks like a potato left in a drawer too long.)

O'HERLIHY
Bill. Marjorie. I'm sorry for your loss. Walt was a black-hearted bastard, but he was always the first to buy a round at the pub. When he wasn't in the clink, that is.

MARJORIE
He always liked you, Clancy. Said you were the only clean cop he could stand.

O'HERLIHY
I liked that he never kicked me in me nether regions.

(O'Herlihy takes out a hip flask, toasts the air, and swigs. He walks away as HARLEY QUINN comes up with a covered platter.)

HARLEY
Marjorie, Mr. J. couldn't make it, but he sends his regards. And this dish he cooked himself.

(Harley pulls back the cover, exposing a very large Joker Fish. Marjorie is stone faced.)

MARJORIE
Thank you, Harley dear. Why don't you put that on the table. Leave it covered; we don't want it to...get cold.

HARLEY
It's a dish best served cold.

MARJORIE
Than hot. Wouldn't want it to get hot.

(Harley walks away with her platter of scary fishiness. STAN HOOPER comes to pay his respects. He's young, but using a walker.)

STAN
Marjorie. I don't know if you remember me. I was the Gay Blade's wheelman back in '02.

MARJORIE
Oh, right. You were the one who put the solid fuel rocket on the Blade's Kia.

STAN
(Blushing) Yeah.

BILL
How've you been? It's Stan, right?

STAN
Yeah. Stan. Uh, I've been okay. Got out of traction last month. Doc figures six, seven months of therapy and I should be back in business, God willing. You know anyone looking for a driver?

BILL
No, no. Sorry.

MARJORIE
Well thank you very much for coming by, Stan. It means a lot.

STAN
I was just wondering...I...I don't want I should be rude, but...how did it happen? You hear all sorts of rumors...

MARJORIE
He was setting up a giant boxing glove on the roof of the Fremont Tower. Some crazy scheme of The Marsupial. Something about jets or missiles--

BILL
--Captain Awesome. It was part of a trap for Captain Awesome. Missiles to box him in and the glove to finish him off.

MARJORIE
(Getting tight-chested) Right. That's it. But the springs were second rate - everything The Marsupial does is second rate - and the whole thing collapsed on...

(Marjorie trails off and starts to cry some more.)

STAN
Geez, I'm sorry. I didn't mean I should--

BILL
--It's a difficult time for us all.

(Stan backs away respectfully. Victor Von Doom strolls over carrying a plate of food.)

VON DOOM
Marjorie, Bill, darlings! You know I feel strange asking this, so soon after your dear husband was buried, but I've come to praise this Caesar salad. What's your secret?

BILL
What? Uh, it's the croutons. They're double-baked with garlic and herbs.

VON DOOM
You must give me the recipe.

BILL
You know, now's not the best--

VON DOOM
--you MUST!

(Bill sighs and walks off with Von Doom. GINGER STEINBERG comes over. She's older, but was once obviously a rare beauty.)

GINGER
Marjorie, I'm sorry.

MARJORIE
Thank you, Ginger. If anyone can understand, it's you.

GINGER
I hope not too well. You know I lost my Irving the day before his pension vested.

MARJORIE
Two days for Walt.

GINGER
Ach. It's that damn Marsupial! Why did he go work for him?

MARJORIE
Something about profit sharing and stock options. I don't know. I wish he'd just stayed on Black Manta's crew. That was nice. We got to summer at the beach and all I ever had to worry about was Aquaman sending a jellyfish to sting Walt. But he was sure The Marsupial was an up-and-comer.
(BEAT)
At least there's the Henchmen's Widows fund. And Walt carried a lot of life insurance.

GINGER
I'll bet.

(In the corner, Von Doom knocks over the wreath.)

VON DOOM
Let's Limbo!

BLACKOUT

3 comments:

goooooood girl said...

i like......

Michael Brownlee said...

Nicely done, sir.

Ken Robertson said...

Love the clash of context...reminds me of a scene cut from Austin Powers and the classic SNL superhero party sketch.

Damn that marsupial! LOL