07 November 2008

FSW: Extremes Attraction

Reconciliation. This week, I read about the woman on the Texas School Board who thinks Barack Obama is going to open the doors for terrorists. And I saw all three anti-gay amendments pass in state elections, presumably because hearing the word 'gay' might make innocent people turn gay. RedState has begun its Operation Leper, so they might throw out all the reasonable voices in the GOP and turn it into a teeny-tiny echo chamber of Sarah Palin and her ilk (and her elk, presumably.)

And let's not forget that the President-Elect is a Marxist/Islamist/Radical Black Christian and Dick Cheney planned 9/11. There are crazies all around. Enough crazies to fill a small city (although the right-wing half of them would rather stay in small towns.)

So I give you this. It's rough. It needs many, many revisions. And I did NOT pick the craziest of the crazies. But I think it's not so terrible. Let me know what you think.

Come back later tonight/this weekend for my on-time wrapup. I'll have links to the other sketches then. But for now, please enjoy mine. And comment! Comment! Comment!

Extremes Attraction

INT. SPACESHIP PASSAGEWAY - PERMANENT NIGHT

Curved plasteel walls stretch into the distance. The thrum of the Keeslar-Morales drive is just audible. With a WHOOSH, a door slides open and SUB-COMMANDANT BILL O'REILLY enters in his skin-tight utility uniform. He is followed by ARCH-LIEUTENANT MICHELLE MALKIN, sashaying in her skin-tight utilities, unzipped provocatively, exposing cleavage.

MALKIN

Sub-commandant! You can't let them on the ship, they'll infect us all!

O'REILLY

It's a risk we've got to take!

INT. SPACESHIP TRANSPORTER ROOM - PERMANENT NIGHT

CHIEF RUSH LIMBAUGH tests the limits of his kevlar-spandex uniform standing at a control panel.

O'REILLY

Bring them over, Limby.

LIMBAUGH

Aye, Sub-commandant.

Limbaugh pushes buttons, turns dials, and slides a lever. Twinkling lights and tinkling chimes fill the room and three forms take shape. KEITH-O in a custom tailored suit, JANEANE in hemp clothing cut like potato sacks, and AL FRANKEN in tweed appear.

MALKIN

Look out! She's got a gun under her burka!

TWO SECURITY OFFICERS appear out of the corners and tackle Janeane.

MALKIN (CONT'D)

Good job! She was--

SECURITY OFFICER #1

It's just a hooka, sir.

MALKIN

That's just as bad! She was going to make all our children smoke

(whispering)

mar-ee-wan-ah.

LIMBAUGH

You'd better let me search her. No telling what other drugs she may be carrying.

O'REILLY

Belay yourself, Chief! Doctor Phil tells me you've been spending quite enough time in sickbay.

(beat)

I'm Sub-commandant O'Reilly of the Earthship John Wayne. Welcome aboard.

KEITH-O

You're a terrible person, O'Reilly. Truly. The. Worst. Person.

MALKIN

Maybe we shouldn't have responded to your distress signal then!

Janeane and the security guards get up and she gives each of them a little baggie.

JANEANE

We responded to yours, you bimbo!

MALKIN

Don't be rid--

O'REILLY

--Can it, Michelle! It was our distress signal. I told you that.

MALKIN

But you told me--

O'REILLY

You have anyone like this?

AL FRANKEN

(sighs)

We've got Sharpton.

O'REILLY

I'm actually truly sorry.

(beat)

Okay, here's the problem, our jump drive computers are fried.

KEITH-O

Don't you have a backup?

O'REILLY

The backup computers are all infected with a virus. Our morale officer, Bennett, installed poker on all of them, but the software was a Trojan Horse. We're practically drifting. All we've got is our Hadron drives for maneuvering. We're stuck sub-light.

LIMBAUGH

We've only got six months supply in the mess!

AL FRANKEN

(looks at Limbaugh)

I'd guess only three.

JANEANE

What do you want from us, O'Reilly?

O'REILLY

Can you send over your Systems Officer to assist with a complete overhaul of our network? Ours isn't up to the task.

AL FRANKEN

Why's that?

O'REILLY

No one properly vetted Ensign Palin. Apparently MIT was not one of the many schools she attended.

KEITH-O

We'd like to help, we honestly would--.

MALKIN

But you won't right? Typical. You elites just want to take and take from the hard-working people and--

KEITH-O

--but we don't have a Systems Officer, per se.

O'REILLY

What do you mean?

JANEANE

We don't have ranks or titles. Everyone just pitches in on the Gaia. From each according to his abilities...

AL FRANKEN, JANEANE, KEITH-O

...to each according to his needs.

JANEANE

It works pretty well, other than all those course corrections. Someday it would be nice to reach a planet.

O'REILLY

You need to have a clearly defined chain of command.

AL FRANKEN

We don't really believe in that. That's why it took us an hour to come over. We had to get the crew together and debate who should come. Then we had to debate whether to bring the talking stick or leave it back on the Gaia.

MALKIN

(under breath)

Gay-uh is right.

Limbaugh snickers like a schoolboy and minces in the background for Malkin's benefit.

AL FRANKEN

I guess we could ask around and see if anyone's got any experience with this sort of problem.

INT. SPACESHIP CONFERENCE ROOM - PERMANENT NIGHT

O'Reilly, Malkin, and the three from the ESS Gaia are joined by JOSEPHINE JONZZ, mid-20s and transgendered, wearing a skimpy dress and JOE WURLZ, late 30s and bald, wearing a gray jumpsuit. O'Reilly frequently leers at JOSEPHINE.

MALKIN

Do you have a lot of experience with computer systems?

JOSEPHINE

Nah, not really. Sometimes I'd cash out customers at the salon, but I'd usually make a mistake and the owner'd have to come help.

AL FRANKEN

It was her or Steve Jobs. Even I don't hate you enough to do that.

MALKIN

Joe, why don't you take him/her/it down to the computer core.

JOE

No.

O'REILLY

Are you disobeying a direct order, mister?

JOE

Sub-commandant, arch-lieutenant...all due respect, but I can't work with *that*. Back when I was a Telephone Sanitizer I wouldn't even have cleaned its phone. Just spit on it when it wasn't looking.

JOSEPHINE

Hey, that's not nice!

O'REILLY

(leering again)

No, it's not nice Ms. Jonzz.

JOSEPHINE

Josie. You can call me Josie.

O'REILLY

And you can call me Papa Bear.

MALKIN

Oh, get a room! We're spinning out of control here.

A communicator on the table dings and Malkin presses a button.

MALKIN

Go ahead.

TECH (FILTER)

Arch-lieutenant, the Gaia has docked with us!

MALKIN

You see! I told you they were going to come over here and kill us all and introduce Sharia and make us get gay married and take away our guns!!!

AL FRANKEN

All at once? How would...never mind.

JANEANE

It must be hard to be you.

O'REILLY

What's the meaning of this, Franken?!

AL FRANKEN

I have no idea. We never discussed docking.

TECH (FILTER)

It appears that our computer systems are back online. They've networked with the Gaia's. There's--

A hologram - much like the CNN hologram - shimmers into view. BARACK OBAMA and JOHN MCCAIN stand arm-in-arm.

OBAMA

We hope you're all enjoying your accomodations.

MCCAIN

Is Sarah doing well, I hope?

OBAMA

You might wonder why we've brought you all together.

MALKIN

You had nothing to do with it! We take personal responsibility for our actions!

OBAMA

(laughs)

Yes, of course you do, Michelle. Anyway, we brought your ships together so we could say goodbye one last time.

AL FRANKEN

What? I don't understand! I supported you!

OBAMA

Yes Al, thank you for that. I know you did. But America needs to come together now, and voices like yours are part of the old, divisive ways.

MCCAIN

We don't have the time or room for any more of the extremes to be tearing the middle apart.

KEITH-O

And Senator McCain, sir, do you believe you are in the middle? You are not, sir.

MCCAIN

What can I say? I'm a maverick. Always bouncing around. I woke up and realized America needs to move forward, not rightward or leftward.

O'REILLY

So the world we were supposed to be colonizing? The one filled with willing slaves?

MCCAIN

That was a lie to get you on the John Wayne.

JANEANE

And the one we were going to, with universal healthcare and legalized pot and no corporations conspiring against us? That was a lie, too?

OBAMA

"Lie" is such an ugly word, Janeane. Let's just say it was a campaign promise that didn't come true.

MCCAIN

Your ships are now in a decaying orbit around the sun. You have another day before the boys in NASA say the heat will be too much and the hull will vaporize.

MALKIN

I thought we were hundreds of light years away!

OBAMA

Well, Michelle, perhaps if you had paid a little more attention in your science classes and not believed every silly anti-scientific fantasy that crossed before you, you would know that isn't possible. And now we'd like to say our goodbyes. Have a pleasant journey and know that your sacrifice is going to make America and the world a better place.

The hologram cuts out. Silence. The thrum of what clearly are NOT Keeslar-Morales drives is audible.

Joe the Phone Sanitizer looks at Janeane.

JOE

You wanna?

JANEANE

Sure.

Joe and Janeane leave with lust and despair in their eyes. Al Franken nods to Keith-O and Michelle Malkin.

AL FRANKEN

Not much time left. Whatdya think?

The three of them leave the room. Michelle looks like a schoolgirl, giddy with the knowledge that she can drop the act.

O'REILLY

(To Josephine)

Right here on the table works for me.

BLACKOUT

5 comments:

tjonsek said...

Hillarious. I hope you get paid for that.

I think you represented Limbaugh as realistically as if he had written it himself. Oh,wait - no, if he had written it himself, he would have been the all-encompassing, all-knowing God Commander of the Universe.

R.A. Porter said...

Someday. Someday I'll get paid for that. :)

But if you want to read better examples, mine and my friends', you should hit this link. This just wasn't my best effort. Best efforts would probably be ones like this one or this one or maybe even this. There are a few others I'm really proud of, too. This week's? Meh.

Ken Robertson said...

I knew there was something I liked about gravitational fields! But even in comedy, "O'Reilly" and "threesome" should not be mentioned in the same sentence.

Nice one Richard!

2old4this said...

There's an on line comic called Bruno the Bandit. The best thing about it is that the writer can see opposing points of view on any topic and make jolly fun of both.
It seems you have that ability too. My hat's off to you, though only for a moment as my head will get cold quickly.

However, wouldn't it be Rush doing the leering, not O'Rielly?

R.A. Porter said...

Thanks, Brian. That's a great compliment, and a goal I always strive for: the ability to insult *anyone*. :)

I was thinking about O'Reilly and those creepy phone messages he left like two years back. That's why I went with him. Plus, I don't like to have the picture of Rush engaged in sexual congress in my head. Eww! There it is! Eww!