28 November 2008

FSW: Oprah's Favorite Things

Holy crap. I swear, when I thought of Oprah last week, I had visions of sketches writing themselves. So many ideas filled my head: Oprah as a cruel taskmaster; Oprah as an international spy; Oprah giving hitmen assignments with envelopes under their seats. Those ideas? They don't work. Nothing worked. I was going to do a dinner party where Steadman was the butler? Crap. Everything crap.

Then I realized I really needed to take Oprah *out* of the sketch.

This isn't comedy gold, but I think it's alright. As for the products mentioned...thank you Wikipedia!

Peter's sketch is up already - and is both funny and disturbing. I credit him for reminding me that Oprah permeates our culture. Of course, I won't be crediting him when I have nightmares tonight. No word yet from anyone else, but come on back for the recap this weekend.

Oprah's Favorite Things

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

MAYBELLE and her guests JO, JOLLY, and AMY sit in the cleanest, classiest, brightest doublewide in town. JOSH GROBAN'S "NOEL" plays in the background. The women are all in their late-30s to late-40s and well turned out. A careful observer might notice they're all wearing the same RACHEL PALLY SWING TURTLENECK AND SAILOR PANTS. The truly observant might see the matching UGG BOOTS and TOYWATCH CRYSTAL WATCHES. That observer would be very much like these women if she knew the significance of that.

JO

These cookies are fantastic, Maybelle.

MAYBELLE

Thanks, Jo. I found the recipe in last month's "O" and just whipped them up in my KitchenAid Artisan Mixer.

JOLLY

The cookies are good, but this sorbetto is to die for. Ciao Bella?

MAYBELLE

Of course! Is there any other?

The ladies all laugh. Amy picks up a dog-eared book. It's a copy of KEN FOLLET'S "THE PILLARS OF THE EARTH". She flips through it.

AMY

Jack's dreamy.

The ladies all sigh.

MAYBELLE

Oh, oh! It's time!

Maybelle picks up a remote and mutes the music. She turns up the TV. OPRAH'S THEME MUSIC plays. Jolly mans a SONY NOTEBOOK. Jo and Amy have pencils, paper, and BLACKBERRIES ready.

OPRAH (O.S.)

These are my favorite things...with a twist! Today, we're going to learn how to have the thriftiest holiday ever!

MAYBELLE

Uh-oh...

OPRAH (O.S.)

In a time of such economic trouble and uncertainty, I can't in good conscience give away lavish gifts. Instead I'm going to show you some do-it-yourself gift ideas for the holidays.

Jo's cellphone rings. She answers and immediately pulls the phone from her ear. We hear...

STEFFI (O.S.)

There's nothing under my goddamn seat! No gift basket! Nothing here!

(muted, to someone at her location)

No! No, I will NOT calm down! I didn't ride 13 hours on a Greyhound bus for macaroni frames and hugs!

Sounds of a scuffle, coming through the phone and the TV. Then silence. Maybelle turns off the TV.

AMY

"Gratitude boxes?"

JOLLY

Great. What am I supposed to wear for the next year? This turtleneck?

JO

I love you guys.

MAYBELLE

Can it, Jo.

JO

No, I mean it. If Oprah thinks we should cut back, maybe we should. I'm still paying off my Dell 30" Wide-Screen LCD TV.

JOLLY

That was from 2004!

JO

I know. Ricky had to take an extra shift just to keep us from losing the Taurus.

AMY

I hate Scrabble!

JOLLY

I don't understand you guys. Just because Oprah says we should cut back, you're going to cut back? That makes no sense. I mean, if she told you to buy something useless, would you?

MAYBELLE

You watch a lot of shows on that LG HDTV refrigerator at your place?

JOLLY

Sometimes!

JO

Look, I can't keep up anymore. I think Oprah's right. This year, I'm giving out handmade gifts.

AMY

Me too.

MAYBELLE

So am I. Jolly?

JOLLY

Alright. Fine. Let's put something else on. I don't feel like talking much right now.

Maybelle picks up the remote and clicks away. She stops and we hear...

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Doors open at midnight Thursday with low-low prices throughout the store. Don't be late for the After Thanksgiving Sales Event at Wal-Mart!

The women look lustfully at the TV, and then each other.

MAYBELLE

I'll bring the coffee. Amy, bring lawn chairs.

BLACKOUT:

9 comments:

hujhax said...

Oh dear lord in heaven that was a difficult topic -- and I'm still not exactly sure why....

R.A. Porter said...

It was like a ghost. If you looked at it sideways it seemed substantial, but head on it was made of mist and cobwebs.

Makes me wonder whether Oprah doesn't have some sort of mind control powers.

Ken Robertson said...

Okay....glad I'm not the only one who, um, wrestled with Oprah (so to speak).

The funny thing is I spent a lot of time on the Oprah Wikipedia page too, and I'm pretty sure the mind control powers belong to Tom Cruise....he just wields them for Oprah

tjonsek said...

I have to say I almost wrote something for this one. I could have been one of those women in the sketch and I get a lot of flak from my husband for my 'Oprah worship' as he calls it.

So, I think she's Queen Mother of the World and as far as many American women are concerned, she does have mind control powers.

I think you hit the nail on the head with this one. I'm pretty sure a lot of women were thinking 'thrifty?' this past week when O did her fav things show.

But, I also think there will be a lot of memory boxes under the tree this year across the world.....

R.A. Porter said...

Ah, but did you check Ken's entry? You'll see just how far your Oprah-worship will take us all!

tjonsek said...

I did see it. It's kind of funny to see a man's perspective of Oprah. She does have a lot of influence, on women especially, which makes each of these funny.

But that O Porn was almost like thinking of people paying to watch my parents do it or something. Really disturbing. :)

Micah said...

theres a really funny parody of Oprah's favorite things over at Pophangover, check it out for a laugh!

http://pophangover.com/?p=1165

2old4this said...

Read yours and ken's, both great.

But really, Oprah is disturbing. There's nothing anyone can concoct that would make her more so.

2old4this said...

Just read Pete's.
I retract my previous statement.