Joey T's up Dick

So Joey Crawford considers it "a travesty in itself [Dick Bavetta] even being in the finals." Finally, a ref says something with which we can all agree. Uh, an ex-ref, I guess.

The relatively few fans of Don Imus

CoyoteSqrl So I'm in the gym this morning and there's that guy reading the newspapers on tv...
Thick Rick¹ Sandy Rivers?
CS No. The old bald dude on C-SPAN. Anyway, he's reading the papers and...
TR Oh yah, that guy. He ain't gonna bag no band camp freaks. Am I right, dude? High five!
CS Sure. Whatever.² You want to hear the rest of this? Anyway, he gets to a story in the Wall Street Journal³ - front page, above the fold - about the "digital brush fire" behind the firing of Don Imus. Right there in the first sentence is the money line: "relatively few people were tuned into the [show]". A little later in the article, however, we find out about the "millions of fans" of the "hugely popular" broadcast. The fuck? Just how incompetent are the editors of the WSJ to let this contradiction slip? Or is it just on April 4 that "relatively few" bothered to listen?
TR Dude, it's just the Journal.
CS TR, keep up. I know you stick to Maxim, but the Journal's...oh. Huh. Sometimes you're not so dense, you know?

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¹ The ladies all call him that. What's ironic is that he thinks it's a compliment.
² I'm convinced "The Todd" is based on TR.
³ If nothing else, the Journal knows its mission is all about money, so the full article's locked behind the subscriber firewall, unfortunately.

An old, comfortable tennis Shue

Who'd have thought Ralph Macchio wasn't the crazy one in Karate Kid? At no point has Daniel san ever said he wanted to set aside acting and focus on being a professional martial artist. Yet here's my favorite Harvard dropout¹, thinking she's going to compete.

That's right. Elizabeth Shue has been "training so hard, now [she] feel[s] like more of a tennis player than an actress." Really? 'Cause you're awfully straight-backed in these "action" shots. I'll allow that the current crop of females aren't too deep - see Martina Hingis' return if you need evidence - but they're all about power, and I just don't see a lot of uncoiling in those pics. It would be different if our adventurous babysitter had some touch, but those are some flat looking shots.

Then again, she apparently beat Jon Lovitz in a celebrity tourney. I mean, once you've bested Jay Sherman, where else can you go but the pros?

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¹ Billy is way down on that list, and Ballmer graduated. (It apparently doesn't take much to get outta Cambridge.)

Phoenix is not a software town

Four and a half hours ago I went to bed. Early? Sure. But I'm so perpetually depressed I see little point in bothering to stay awake. Unfortunately, I'm also so perpetually pissed off that I was unable to fall asleep. So here I sit, my alarm set for five hours hence, wondering when I might get a few minutes sleep.

Piece of advice for anyone who hasn't become dessicated by old age: don't move to Arizona.

I did. Now I'm stuck.

Maybe it's an okay place to live if you're in construction or make your living designing golf courses, or like to run MLMs. I don't know. I do know it's about as shitty a place for a software engineer as can be imagined. It's not Montana-bad. There, there are just no jobs, so no one would even consider moving there. It's India-bad. There are a lot of jobs, but they're all shit and pay accordingly.

When he is risen, he's going to want bacon and coffee

Now, just in time for the Abominable Bunny to show up with a Chocolate Jesus (available in milk, dark, and white chocolate for ye of differing race) for each good girl and boy, and okra to leave in the shoes of the bad little children (or whatever it is those wacky xtians do when they should have been eating matzo and bitter herbs), here comes my thumbnail review of Christopher Moore's blasphemous little tome. I know. The interwebs are a-crackle with the excitement.

I hadn't read any Moore before, and only picked this up on a recommendation.¹ After slogging through Alfred Appel's wearying, soul-crushing, pleasure-draining annotations of Lolita², I wanted a light, fun lunch read. Can't get much more fun than the life and death of Jesus, right? At least as told by Levi who is called Biff.

Now, I'm a lot of things. As David Cross would say, 'cause my mom's vagina is Jewish, I'm Jewish. I'm also an atheist. I'm a cold, scientific rationalist. I'm also considering becoming a Comedist. One thing I am not is spiritual. I don't believe in god, gods, or God and have never really understood why others do. I've got no empty space in my psyche to be filled, and no fear of the great nothingness that comes after our short wicks flicker out. Sucks that good people suffer and the evil thrive, and it sucks that those good people have to die, but I don't need to believe in an afterlife, or reincarnation, or nirvana³ to get me through the day. Of course, it doesn't help that the Big 3 western religions are preached by and about the unfunny and self-righteous.

Where's the self-mockery? Where's the irony? Where's the awareness of life's great jokes?

If Christ were like Moore writes him (and if his best friend really had created sarcasm) it would be a much easier sell.

With a great heart (and clear faith in the divinity of his subject) Moore presents Jesus (Joshua) from a small boy reviving a dead lizard - so his little brother can repeatedly off it - to the moment of his death on the cross. This is the Gospel of Biff - nicknamed for a "slang word for a smack upside the head" - who accompanies Josh on his quest for knowledge and wisdom in the east, in order to learn to be the messiah to his people. Best friends from childhood, Biff's primary role is "to teach him to be human."

Chinese food on Josh's birthday (still a Jewish tradition), the study of Jew Do, and clever biblical references made me laugh aloud many times while reading. I was also shocked by how moved I was by the very pure love and devotion Biff felt for Joshua and the agony over his failure to alter his fate. The bittersweet love triangle between the two friends and Maggie (Mary of Magdala) adds a third color to the palette. Eros, philia, and agape are intertwined and intermixed in varying degrees throughout, making this a great love story. Plus...an elephant learns yoga, there are Chinese concubines, and Biff invents the latte.

A Douglas Adams-like comedy that made my throat tighten a few times? With Chinese concubines??? A perfect book for the spring.

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¹ Shockingly, the recommendation came from a waiter at a restaurant I used to frequent (out of business, sadly). Normally, I'd be a super-snob and skip a rec like that, but it came after a decent, short discussion about what I was reading at the time and I figured I'd take a bit of a flyer.
² At the end of which, I wasn't even able to fashion a review as short and shallow as the current one. Suffice it to say that Appel ruined Lolita for me. I hope I can go back to it in a few years without the annoying, endless commentary and find some pleasure in Nabokov's linguistic acrobatics.
³ Or Pearl Jam.

Billy's going to have an aneurysm (I hope)

Holy crap. I'm just old enough to remember when Geraldo's shtick seemed to be in service of *something* other than Geraldo. Before Al Capone's tomb, before his pro wrestling "expose", before skinheads with chairs, before the photo-ops in Iraq, Geraldo Rivera used to be a real-live investigative reporter. Unfortunately, for a handful of decades, Geraldo's been a joke.

But today, I respect Geraldo.

Limp Unit

Shawn Ryan - he of the Greatest Show in the History of Basic Cable^tm - needs to stop enabling David Mamet's weak-ass foray on the idiot box. It's a waste of Ryan's massive skills and it's a blot on Mamet's near-perfect resume. Both men have built their careers on telling stories about MEN under pressure - soldiers, scammers, salesmen, and sinners - but the constraints of network television dilute their visions.

Because of its pedigree and half its cast, we watched The Unit for a while when it premiered. The men are manly, the missions exciting, and their wives ALL NEED TO DIE. I know Mamet can write strong and interesting women, like the ones he's created for his wife Rebecca Pidgeon or for Lindsay Crouse in House of Games. I know Ryan can write strong and interesting women, like CCH Pounder's awesome Claudette. So why are the Unit wives harpies and shrews? And why should anyone care?

There are some extra benefits to be gained from killing this half-a-show: Mamet freed up to write a Simpsons centered on Gil Gunderson (or, you know, a great scam movie); my Allstate agent will take my calls again; and Scott Foley will be free to do comedy again. I've been watching old Scrubs on dvd, and damn that dude's funny. Anyone can play "the rookie" on a special forces team. I want Noel Crane back doing comedy!

Why use your urinal if you're dropping your drawers?

I went to the restroom a short while ago. As I stepped into the room, I saw a coworker backing away from a urinal and refastening his pants. This isn't the first time I've seen a dude doing trouser triage at a pissoir, though I see it more at this job than anywhere else in my life.

So the question is: are these fellows hung like heffalumps - unable to fit their members through the tiny confines of a zippered fly - or like woozles - unable to clear the front of their pants?

It should just be zip, whip, grip, and drip^*...right?

---

^* Spray, shoot, and a variety of other more active verbs didn't fit the scheme.

Do you know Duno?

She's coming...

Smarter, faster, and about twelve times hotter than Danica Patrick: Milka Duno's coming to embarrass Patrick and Sarah Fisher. Unless she really is the next coming of Paul Dana.

Cub Senator: Barack "Jimmy" Obama

Here's a closeup of Obama's watch...

This Has All Happened Before

Seriously. The meta-tags for the post make perfect sense.

The Freeway's Long

I don't like The Office. Specifically, I don't like the American version. I like Steve Carell, but I dislike his interpretation of Michael Scott as a fool, a tool, and an ass. As a talented comic actor, I'm sure his choices are intentional, but they completely miss the target set by Ricky Gervais with his sad, pathetic David Brent.

I've watched about a half-dozen episodes of the American version (and even blogged about it when Joss Whedon was directing) and have never had more than a couple chuckles. I don't care about Jim-Pam or Pam-Jim or whatever it is the 'shippers call that star-crossed couple, and other than the pranks, find nothing compelling at all. I know I'm in a small minority amongst tv-philes, but I just don't dig it.

I'd heard for years about how funny the British version was and how much I'd like it. Last year, visiting friends, in went episode 1.4 - "Training". Hell yeah! This is what I wanted from the American version! I finally got around to getting the DVDs and ripped some episodes to my Zune this weekend past. I've been watching while working out and my initial sense of Gervais' version stands. David Brent's not just a fool and tool. Gervais played him with such subtlety that I can see the little boy who was, running around the house with a towel for a cape and a colander for a helmet, or telling jokes at his parents' parties, trying to get laughs. And key to Gervais' performance is believing that David Brent could get those laughs and could get that attention. In an interview earlier this year with critic Alan Sepinwall, Gervais indicated just that:

Brent's motivation was fame and glory. That's why he's acting like that. He's in free-fall, in a bit of a breakdown, and he's going, "I'm going to show the world now that I'm not just this jerk. I'm a philosopher, I'm a philanthropist, I am a singer/songwriter, I am a poet." He can't get to it quick enough. And, of course, the lesson learned is, if someone's filming you all the time, they're going to show the bad bits, too. Through the power of editing.

But what were the good bits for David? Do you envision there were times when he successfully delivered a joke?

Yeah, but why would a documentary team put that in? The important thing there is, you're not in charge. TV's in charge. TV's in charge.

I don't think Steve Carell has that much confidence in or sympathy for Michael Scott. And because of that, I don't. Why should I care about a character when the actor portraying him doesn't seem to?

Stranger Than Fiction

I've been cursing Will Ferrell for a while now. I've found his comedy stylings to be much broader, yet more limited, than many of his SNL alums. Amusing in supporting roles, his whiny everyman shtick grows tiring fast in lead roles. And while it's true that great comedians make greater tragedians, I've never thought him that great.

So it was with low expectations that we popped Stranger Than Fiction into the dvd player Sunday night. We had planned on seeing it in the theater last fall, but like so many of our grand ideas about going out in public, we never did get around to it. Plus, while it had looked like a sure-fire winner in previews, by the time it opened, the reviews were a bit mixed. Renter.

But after four days - approximately 40 hours - of basketball it was time for something different.

I'm happy to say it was a very pleasant surprise. Ferrell was a revelation. This was a role custom-tailored to his strengths, in a film confidently directed by Monster's Ball's Marc Forster. What Forster brought to the table was a sure hand, a bit of whimsy, and the almost magical ability to rein in Ferrell's excesses. No whining, no overacting. Ferrell perfectly captured the ennui, pathos, and hope of Harold Crick, even as his life descended into absurdity.

The conceit of the film should be familiar to anyone who recalls the ads from last year: Harold's life is being narrated by a woman "...accurately; and with a better vocabulary." The woman - Emma Thompson's Karen Eiffel - is a writer of some renown who has not published a book in ten years. Karen's writer's block stems from an inability to find a way to kill her hero - Harold Crick.

Fundamentally, the film is about lost souls trying to connect. Karen is a chain smoking ascetic, living in a sterile, empty apartment. Harold's apartment looks more like a motel and his life's routines are as rigid as his job as an IRS auditor. Both find companionship and friendship in others: Karen with an assistant (Queen Latifah) thrust upon her by her publisher; and Harold with an earthy, lusty Maggie Gyllenhaal and sweet, nerdy coworker Dave (Arrested Development's Tony Hale).

Despite the compassion and depth of the piece, there is quite a bit of humor to be found: Karen's narrator speaking with the detached irony of Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide; Harold's propensity to count everything depicted through clever animations; Harold's serene acceptance of his odd lot in life; and a sentient watch. Add in the odd comic touches, like the Sonic Guys (T.J. Jagodowski and Peter Grosz, Chicago improv pros) appearing as math-quizzing coworkers¹, and Dustin Hoffman's off-putting performance as a literature professor, too accepting of Harold's tale, and this film succeeds at being quirky, charming, and heart-breaking.

The film is not perfect, of course. But for a pleasant, moving two hours, I'd still highly recommend it.

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¹ Remember. We'd just gotten through 40 hours of NCAA basketball. Do you have any idea how often we saw those annoying Sonic ads?!?

VCU/Pitt...so close!

Is it only 12 days ago that this year's Cinderella knocked out last year's Cinderella in the CAA Championship game?!? There's less than 2:30 to go in this Round of 32 game against Pitt and I'm starting to believe! Beating Duke was nothing. They're undermanned and under-coached¹ and rely on Greg Paulus to handle the rock. Might as well have me be their damn PG. But Pitt?

1:40 - VCU's just tied it up for the first time since early in the first half. Incredible. Odds are, I'll end up tossing this post by game's end. I mean, what chance do they really have against Jamie Dixon's confident, experienced, Big East bruisers?

Ball's in...a shot, a rebound, a tie-up - Rams' ball!

1:23 - walking the ball up court. Oh my! VCU's first lead, and then Pitt flies down the court and counters!

:30 - shot, almost an offensive board...

NO! Levance Fields is fouled by VCU with 2.1 on the clock and the score knotted up. He misses the first, misses the second; we're going to OT!

A 51-32 run in the final twelve minutes to tie up the game.

CBS keeps trying to bounce me to the 2OT Vandy-Wazzu game in Sacto, but DirecTv seems on top of the situation for once and re-bounces me back to the game I want. Mind you, I'm jumping to that game on my second feed anyway, but I've been so engrossed by the Rams' comeback that I didn't realize a second extra frame had started at Arco.

Crap. See? I was over at the Vandy/Wazzu game. Missed the tip and first minute of OT.

I had a bunch of live-blogging on the final four minutes of OT, but with Pitt pulling it out I don't see much point in keeping it (and cleaning it up.) Suffice it to say, the Rams fought long and hard to catch up to the Panthers, leaving them very little in the tank for an extra five minutes of play. Jamal Schuler got them back within three, following his own missed layup, but Pitt kept breaking the VCU traps. No stops, no steals, and Pitt just kept scoring from the line. It was a nice effort, though. Certainly one of the more exciting games of this first weekend.

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¹ Coach K is the Phil Jackson of college ball. Give him a team of all-stars and he'll do peachy. Give him anything less and...well...when was his last Elite 8?

Buckeyes Squeak by Musketeers (and avoid them for another 20 years)

INT. MIAMI BEACH SENIOR CENTER

DIKEMBE MUTOMBO AND DANNY ALMONTE SIT IN OVERSTUFFED CHAIRS IN A LARGE ROOM, WEARING ROBES AND SLIPPERS. THERE ARE EMPTY BEER BOTTLES AND PIZZA BOXES ON THE COFFEE TABLE IN FRONT OF THEM. EACH MAN HAS AN IV TO THE SIDE OF HIS SEAT.

DEKE
I hope today's games are more exciting than the first round.

DANNY
Si. I can't believe all those favorites winning in blow-outs. This has got to be the most boring tourney I've ever seen. This is worse than when my papi and I used to watch Coach Wooden's teams.

DEKE
I know. We didn't get much basketball in the Congo, but my mother took me to one of the American hotels in Kinshasa to watch Texas Western beat Kentucky. That was an exciting game.

DANNY
Greg needs to be careful out there. (BEAT) He doesn't want to break his other hip before the draft.

DEKE
But losing this early won't be good for his draft position, either. Though he's too old to be playing at all. (BEAT) Ohio State refuses to play Xavier for a good reason, I see.

DANNY
Watch. They'll come back. He's got a lot of good, young talent around him.

DEKE
There's not much time left. (BEAT) Yes! But they've got to foul quickly!

DANNY
Greg's got him...

DEKE
...but he's shoved him!

DANNY
No!!

DEKE
That's two and possession! The game's over.

DANNY
Wait...they didn't call the intentional! They didn't call it! We've got a chance...Overtime! Overtime! Overtime!