29 September 2007

Chuck wore Chucks



Didn't get a chance to watch Chuck on Monday night because of a conflict, so I recorded the Saturday night replay. NBC has really done something right this time, because after an hour of high-octane television watching I can guaran-fucking-tee I will never have to waste my time with this piece of over-hyped shit again. NBC: Bringing you the worst over-hyped garbage EVER! What's that you say? You liked Chuck? Well, retard, go to another blog. You obviously only got here searching for naked pictures of Maria Sharapova (there aren't any: I don't like steroid junkies) or "sex with teacher" or the health benefits of blow jobs.

How many ways did Chuck go wrong? Let's start counting. I'll try to organize the points as well.

Techno-bullshit

  1. The single magic computer with all the combined secrets of the NSA and CIA. In a room straight out of an IBM server ad.
  2. The awesome vid screens in said server room.
  3. The fact that the room was in a basement in an almost completely unsecured building in what was, I imagine, supposed to be Georgetown or downtown DC.
  4. Umm, no backup?
  5. The data that took, what, a full minute to transfer over a USB or FireWire connection but emailed from a wireless device in about three seconds.
  6. Let's discuss the data itself: how is it more efficient to "encode the secrets in a series of pictures" than in, you know, files and words and pictures and video and normal ways? Look, steganography is cool and all, but its purpose is obscuring a message's existence, not encoding information.
  7. The super-virus that makes a computer blow its brains out in mere seconds.
  8. The NSA-super-ninja-lady doesn't grab the hard drive on the computer after it crashes to the floor? It would have survived the fall.
  9. Oh wait. Apparently, that hard drive was constructed from Pringles, so it actually broke from the fall. It's a shame there aren't techniques one could use to recover data. Then again, I would not have expected the Nerd Herd to possess that knowledge or ability. They're buffoons, in real life and the show. I'd hope the CIA could afford to contact one of the many services that exist to do that, however.
  10. Back to the data, again. Chuck gets the intel that the general is going to be killed, by bomb, in the Bonaventure. So that data was encoded in the pictures. Who put it there? Presumably, some agent had to receive the intel, process it, encode it, file a WI-912 form in triplicate, and enter it to the super-computer (I assume at the terminal since it appeared to be detached from the network.) Maybe right after his coffee break, he might have mentioned to someone the fact that he just entered information about a terrorist/assassination plot that was going to occur within the week.
  11. This isn't really a technical quibble, but one about intelligence gathering: his accumulated knowledge is going to be stale and useless in about...three months. Also, the historical data...did it get destroyed in a warehouse fire right after being encoded by that guy up in (10)?
  12. Again, this isn't exactly a technical quibble, but it fits best here. When did the NSA start assigning weapons with LED sights? Because that wasn't a laser Ricky Linderman was holding. Lasers don't spread when they hit a surface at an oblique angle.
Casting
  1. It's pretty clear the studio or producers were looking for a Christine Taylor-type. Anyone who's seen the pilot for Heat Vision and Jack knows what I'm talking about. In fact, anyone who's seen that Ben Stiller/Jack Black bit of television genius knows that Chuck is a sad, sad shadow of that unproduced classic. So we're looking for a Christine Taylor-type. In Hollywood. Where every girl is blonde, pert, and beautiful (except the ones who are brunette, pert, and beautiful because they want to stand out from the crowd.) So they reach to the antipodes to find an actress. To her credit, only once did her piss-poor American accent really shine through, so she's doing a lot better than the male and female leads on Moonlight (the only new show this fall that compares to Chuck in terms of suckitude.) However, little miss bottle blonde has the blackest, coarsest eyebrow hairs I've ever seen on a lady. And that was not in HD. I'm very afraid for the poor people who had to see her in HD. Sure, she's cute. Sure she's got a cute body. She also appears to suffer from hypertrichosis. Of course, only her waxer knows and she's not talking.
  2. Sidekick. There are, surprisingly, people out there who continue to compare this show to the excellent Reaper. Technically, they are similar. Here's an SAT-style analogy:
    Chuck
    : Reaper :: AM/PM burger : Steak at Morton's.
    Some of those people further discuss the Battle of the Sidekicks. Many don't like Tyler Labine's channeling of Jack Black, preferring the "style" of Joshua Gomez. Please see the analogy above and substitute "Joshua Gomez" for "Chuck" and "Tyler Labine" for "Reaper" for my thoughts on that.
  3. Chuck's sister. So, they cast a wax-addicted werewolf as the super-sexy spy, and uber-hot Lisa the Gift Shop Girl as the sister? Oh. Okay. Smart. It's like a clever feint. I get it now. Cast the actual hot girl as the hero's sister and not the romantic interest. Genius.
  4. Adam Baldwin. Actually, Jane's awesome here. I would definitely be watching this show if it were Adam and Sarah Lancaster as a young married couple trying to make it in...wait. That's a different show. But it does include two people from the cast of this abortion.
Random Thoughts
  1. Bryce goes rogue. He emails all the ultraviolet, top secret, code red, mountain dew combined secrets of the NSA and CIA to his slacker buddy (presumably because he didn't have time to pick the correct recipient before Jane cut his parkour career short with a shot through the heart. So the CIA doesn't think it might be a good idea to bench his gal pal and see if she's an enemy of the state?
  2. Chuck's been working alongside an insanely hot potential slayer and hasn't found a way to get over getting dumped five years earlier? Yeah, well, if I worked with Julia Ling day in and day out, sweating and slaving to fix the computers of the terminal stupid, I'd have forgotten my ex's name. Open your damn eyes, boy!
So there. It's not so bad. Only 18 items on my list. Of course, I've left out all the times I yelled at the screen because of the three women in the pilot's cast, the one cast as the "hot one" is the one least hot. I left off all the times I yelled because the CIA/NSA agents did something inane. I yelled because of misused and misapplied technology. But mostly, I just seethed for an hour because this was the best new show the Peacock could give me. Put on a fucking sitcom, you jackasses. Oh wait, just call Leslie Nielsen's agent and pick up Lipschitz Saves the World. If you do it for mid-season, I think the Man in Red will be free from his commitment to FOX.

By the way, about the title of the post...I played tennis in Chucks once in high school. Ripped my feet raw. I don't recommend it. So I wouldn't say Chuck wore tennis shoes, no.

2 comments:

R.A. Porter said...

I'm manually importing comments from ID.

Brian B wrote...
I've noticed that you're commenting on TV a lot. A whole lot.
No literary or sports rants anymore.
You're sinking into a black hole, like I have since TiVo.

R.A. Porter said...

Me...
Indeed. Well, I don't rant on baseball much, don't care about football, and tennis and basketball are both off-season. As for politics...I just don't have the energy for the never ending election cycle. I'd imagine as we get closer to Iowa and New Hampshire I'll start being a bit more attentive.