06 June 2008

FSW: Bob's Knob Shop

I fear I may be alone again this week, folks. Michael's nuptials are here (if you've enjoyed his sketches in the past like I have, you should go on over and wish him and the bride luck) and David's been up against a wall at work for a long while now. This might be a one-man war band.

Imagine indeed, Mr. Lennon.

Bob's Knob Spot
(Bob, in his 50s and portly, stands front and center by the register of a cramped store. At the register is Mabel who may be in her 50s or may be in her 90s; it's hard to tell. Behind them are tightly packed aisles filled with doorknobs. At point of sale are more doorknobs.)

Hi folks. Bob Pushkin at Bob's Knob Spot here to tell you about this week's deals. We've got a sale on all of last year's six-centimeter, seven-centimeter, and nine-centimeter cabinet knobs. Round ones, square ones, wood ones, metal ones. It doesn't matter, they've got to go. We've got to make room for the new models and have slashed our prices. Take this knob for example...

(Mabel hands Bob a small knob for a cabinet drawer.)

Regularly priced at 89 cents, we've cut the price to 67 cents! That's a savings of 25%! And it's not just the base models, either...

(Mabel hands Bob a small porcelain knob with a design painted on it.)

Take this Miller & Steen porcelain knob. Regularly $3.75, we've slashed the price to $2.50! Don't miss out!

And now it's time for this week's comparison shopper where Mabel and I go under cover around town and check out the prices at our competitors.

(Mabel hands Bob a blister pack containing a full knob and lock assembly for a door.)

I picked up this LockJaw doorknob at Stan's Hinges and Doors for $37.99. Our price: $35!

(Mabel hands Bob another packaged knob set.)

Mabel picked this one up just last night. It's a Knob Factory solid brass knob which we sell for $60. Mabel got this one at Beds, Knobs, and Broomsticks for $75. $75?! Don't pay the markup at these high-priced shops, folks!

(Mabel hands Bob another package.)

This Shmekl & Petsl knobset in brushed aluminum came from Home Depot and cost..

(Bob looks at the price...and then tosses the knob away.)

Forget that folks. The big boxes can't compete with our legendary service, anyway.

Bob's Knob Spot, at the Corner of the Sevens. Seventh street and Seventh avenue. Two miles south of the Expressway.

Come on in today and let us polish your knob!


Michael Brownlee said...


It's nice to see that you don't half-ass it, even when you know you haven't any competition.

Now - back to packing!

R.A. Porter said...

As anyone could tell you, no matter what I do I'm a full and complete ass!