28 February 2008

Which of the words did she not understand?

It's my birthday today. Woo-fuckin'-hoo. I don't much celebrate the anniversary of the day I was squirted out of my mom's vag, as I didn't have much to do with it. I mean, kudos to the moms for putting up with me for the nine months prior and the lifetime after, but none for me, thanks.

I'd made this pretty clear at work: "I don't celebrate my birthday." That's clear enough, right?

The morning started off nice and quiet. I got a card and a gift certificate, both of which I consider within the acceptable bounds of "I don't celebrate" territory. Since I understand that many others feel compelled to make themselves feel worthwhile by buying gifts, signing cards, or in other ways ignoring my wishes, I've come to accept the small attentions.1

Then of course, the woman I despise came in, and as no shock to anyone she brought balloons, a giant cookie, and her idiot grin. Clearly, someone saying "I don't celebrate my birthday" - particularly someone who's already made it clear to management that he'll quit without notice should she repeat one of her bush league moves - is her cue to throw an impromptu party.

I could not dislike this woman more, and I could not be more cold to her without becoming unprofessional. She is why many men hate women. If all women were like her, I would be screaming louder than any that they should be kept barefoot, pregnant, and ball-gagged2. And yet, instead of staying the fuck out of my way and honoring my wishes, she decided to poke at the bear again. Amazing. I'm always amazed at the depths of people's stupidity.

I'd thought about popping the balloons, but I think it better expresses my withering disregard to let them sit until all the helium has leeched out and they sit limp and lifeless.

1 I should make it clear that I do not consider birthday wishes from my friends to be unpleasant. They earn that distinction by being my friends. You can tell you're my friend if I talk to you when I'm not required to because of employment.
2 Fortunately, most women are nothing like her. She is just a goddamn skank.


sme said...

It seems like whomever I hate most at work is the person who does shit like your skank-lady. Do they make a big deal out of me because they know I loathe them to their very core, or are they just that ignorant? I'd like to think they are that stupid, because then I can hate them more. Ha.

R.A. Porter said...

I'd guess they're stupid. Unlikely someone perceptive enough to realize it would have actually earned that much of your wrath. :)

Kari said...

OMG happy birthday! (please don't punch me)

R.A. Porter said...


Michael Brownlee said...

Happy B-Day, you non-celebratory bastard. Don't think this is going to make me go easier on you tomorrow. Cause it won't. After all, tomorrow ain't your birthday...it's your doomsday! (insert manical laughter here.)

R.A. Porter said...

Brownlee, you diabolical fiend!

You think tomorrow is *my* doomsday, but only because you haven't noticed yet: I'm no longer carrying my virtual picket sign. Lex is back, baby!!!

Michele / akkasha said...

Glad I forgot to send you that card then! *grin*

How bout Happpy Leap Day?! *smirk*

R.A. Porter said...


Yes, Happy Leap Day to one and all!!!