29 March 2008

ConCERN from the Crazy

Walter L. Wagner and his trusty squire, Luis Sancho, are tilting at hadron mills. Bringing suit in federal court in Hawaii, the knight errant and his sidekick are looking to stop CERN from destroying the world!!!

Wagner, whose law degree from an unaccredited school doesn't allow him to practice outside of California, and Sancho, "who describes himself as an author and researcher on time theory1," want to save us from those out of control Swiss scientists!2

The lawsuit, filed March 21 in Federal District Court, in Honolulu, seeks a temporary restraining order prohibiting CERN from proceeding with the accelerator until it has produced a safety report and an environmental assessment. It names the federal Department of Energy, the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory, the National Science Foundation and CERN as defendants.
CERN probably won't bother showing up. You know, 'cause they're not American.

Why in Hawaii? Because I suspect Wagner doesn't like to stray far from his grow lights.

Here's the thing: either the LHC is safe (it is) or when it gets turned on it creates a world-eating black hole (it won't.) If the latter is the case (it isn't) and said black hole doesn't immediately evaporate as predicted (it would,) the Earth gets destroyed, leaving Wagner and Sancho nowhere to live.

Either way we win. Either way we win.
1 Among his many studies are ones seeking to explain why he sometimes get the munchies before he takes his first toke, and whether it's possible to travel back in one's own lifetime by listening to "The Dark Side of the Moon" backwards, at half-speed.
2 Obviously I'm exaggerating for effect. Most of the physicists working at CERN are not Swiss.