23 July 2008

Quantum Displacement of Dark Liquids

SECAUCUS, JULY 23 - This small bedroom community in Northern New Jersey seems an unlikely place for a breakthrough in physics. It seems even less likely that Alberto Fabrizi, a first generation watchmaker would make it. But today at the Nicholas G. Hayek Watchmaking School, Mr. Fabrizi demonstrated his revolutionary discovery before a packed audience of scientists and press.

The diminutive horologist stood at one end of the stage while an assistant stood at the other. Mr. Fabrizi then picked up a large cup of coffee and took a drink. As he did so, a stain formed and spread on the white shirt his assistant held in her hands.

At the podium, Mr. Fabrizi explained in halting English that he had gotten the idea from a barrista. "She tell me if she have coffee, it get on her shirt, guarantee. I think she make joke, but she right."

Professor Phineas Phluke of the Institute for Advanced Study at Princeton followed Mr. Fabrizi and announced that the two of them have formed a corporation and filed patents for the discovery. Dr. Phluke stated that he believed the discovery would have profound implications in communications, travel, and laundry science.

"We believe we can transmit information through the coffee spills, but the real achievement will be in understanding the process behind the displacement. If we can harness that, we can transfer anything, anywhere, instantaneously. This is the holy grail of transport."

Not everyone was impressed by the breakthrough. Professor Henry Nin of the Brookhaven National Lab gathered a small group of reporters around and explained that he had already published a paper on the effect. As he became more agitated his voice rose to a bellow and he yelled, "the quantum displacement principal doesn't just apply to coffee. I first noticed the effect with red wine, but soon thereafter was able to reproduce it with tomato sauce, grape juice, and chocolate pudding."

Professor Nin went on to say he was building a bubble out of chocolate pudding in his basement and would soon climb inside to transport himself to a nearby laundromat.


sme said...

Dude. That's hilarious. Thank you!


And I am totally wearing a shirt right now with fresh coffee stains down the front of it.

R.A. Porter said...

To the rest of the world, this was written in honor of SME's Tweet yesterday afternoon.