02 July 2006

Retarded or Braindead?

Over at the Post, the Washington Times new adjunct, with all that free time they've discovered having given up on investigative reporting, Hank Stuever has broken a story straight out of his Cub Scout Troop (registration required). Apparently, there are two camps of comic book fans - DC vs. Marvel. And he's made sure to tell us which is cooler.

DC was about younger kids in back yards, wearing bath towel capes, leaping from treehouses.
Interestingly enough, this is how I picture Hank on his days off.

Marvel was about older kids in basements, possibly stoned, deconstructing Thor.
Hank didn't get invited to these parties much, but he did play D&D with their younger brothers and eavesdrop.

DC: Comic books are a wonderful escape.
Yes, that "Dark Knight" sure was a romp in the park.

Marvel: Comic books are a dark refuge.
Boy, that "Thor" sure does brood.

DC, back then: Shlockarific television! "Batman" in the '60s (Ka-pow! Wham!), "The New Adventures of Wonder Woman" in the '70s. The toys, the cartoons, the read-along storybook LPs.
We can't all be cutting edge like Lou Ferrigno
or that classic live action "Spiderman" from back in the day.

Marvel, back then: Put out a comic book starring the rock band Kiss.
When I think cool, I think Kiss.

The list goes on, his carefully edited and anotated interviews with some of the big players from both companies "back" up his points, and he's very careful to elide all contradictory evidence. Based on historical longevity in the job, I'd expect to see Hank announced as the new White House Press Secretary in about 16 months.

This, I think, is one of the best lines (though there are so many good choices): "DC feels very Windows. Marvel feels very Mac." And like the best Mac bigots, his blinders are firmly attached. Y'all know I think Windows sucks, but it's not like OSX is some revelatory experience either.