02 May 2008

FSW: Blind Date

Please forgive me ahead of time for a boring sketch. I've had a rough week and didn't get to this until an hour ago. It's not good. Seriously. Sorry.

Blind Date
(Meredith sits at a small table in a stylish bistro with a glass of wine. She is fashionably dressed. She frequently raises her eyes from a copy of "All the Pretty Horses" to glance about. Liam enters, carrying a copy of "No Country for Old Men" under his arm. He wears dirty jeans and a sweatshirt. His hair and beard are long and unkempt. He looks around, spots Meredith, and crosses to her table.)

LIAM
Meredith?

MEREDITH
(Looking up) Yes?

(Liam indicates his book and then points to Meredith's. She invites him to sit down.)

It's nice to meet you finally, Liam. Would you like a drink?

LIAM
A beer would be great.

(Meredith waves at a waiter who comes over.)

MEREDITH
A beer for my friend, and another glass of chablis for me, please.

(The waiter goes off to fill the order.)

Did you find the place okay?

LIAM
Yeah, once I realized it was near The Y, I knew I'd been here before.

MEREDITH
Oh? Do you workout at the Y?

LIAM
I live there.

MEREDITH
Oh. What do you do?

LIAM
Odd jobs. I used sweep out the back alley at this place for their day-old bread. But the new manager is a prick. He'd rather throw it out than give it away.

MEREDITH
I didn't realize. Well...

(The waiter appears with their drinks. Meredith finishes hers off in one swallow, points to the glass, and holds up two fingers to the waiter.)

LIAM
I loved what you said about "The Road" on the forum. That was the best analysis I've ever seen of McCarthy's lyrical descriptions of the wasteland.

MEREDITH
Thank you. That's very sweet. Especially considering what you had to say about "All the Pretty Horses". I'm re-reading it now, and it's not the same book to me at all after what you said.

LIAM
Thanks.

(There's an uncomfortably long pause in conversation. Liam finishes his beer. Both try to say something and stop themselves. The waiter arrives with another beer and two glasses of wine. He sets them down and Meredith and Liam both take long drinks.)

MEREDITH
Keep them coming, would you?

So, you have a computer at The Y?

LIAM
No. I use the one at the public library. I like it there, especially during the summer. They don't like us in The Y during the day, so I've gotta find someplace cool.

So what's a woman like you doing looking for men online? You must be beating them back with a stick.

MEREDITH
Hardly! I've tried everything. Match.com, eHarmony, JDate --

LIAM
-- Oh, you're Jewish?

MEREDITH
No. But all the dates I went on were terrible. All the men were idiots. One of them thought the Coens had written "No Country for Old Men"!

LIAM
You're kidding!

MEREDITH
I'm serious.

(The waiter returns with yet more alcohol and takes away the empties.)

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS UP

(Meredith and Liam have been at the table a while and are clearly well lubricated. She's moved to the seat next to Liam and is cozying up to him.)

MEREDITH
You want to get out of here?

LIAM
Sure. Your place or mine?

MEREDITH
Mine.

(As Meredith picks up her bag, its contents spill onto the floor. Amidst the brush, mascara, compact, and wallet is a copy of "A Million Little Pieces". Liam picks it up and turns it over in his hands. He hands it back to Meredith who looks ashamed.)

LIAM
Actually, I'm feeling a little tired. I think I'm just going to head back to The Y. Thanks for the drinks.

MEREDITH
No, Liam, wait. I can explain!

LIAM
No. I don't think you can.

BLACKOUT

7 comments:

Michael Brownlee said...

What are you talking about? This is funny stuff. A literary snob living at the Y. Love it.

And there's no rule about going back in and sprucing things up. You could pump up her snobbishness about him being homeless, really build her up and then break her at the end.

Well done for an hours work. Wait til you read mine, which I'm still working on. Gonna be comedy gold. And when I say "gold" I mean "poo".

Mike Olbinski said...

Okay, I totally enjoyed that, but sadly have no clue what the "Million Little Pieces" reference means :)

R.A. Porter said...

That was a "memoir" written by James Frey. Filled with lies and exaggerations. Big deal, since it had been an Oprah Book Club selection.

Here's the wiki entry on the controversy.

Mike Olbinski said...

Ah, I remember now...hilarious :)

2old4this said...

Michael Brownlee's first paragraph sums it up nicely.
I enjoyed it. Not bad for a bad day.

R.A. Porter said...

Thanks, guys. I appreciate the kind words.

sme said...

Dude. I thought that was really funny!