29 May 2008

FSW: Rachael Ray, Terrorist!

Tough choice today. Most of the day, the topic below seemed the most obvious target. Then around 4:30 I heard Harvey Korman had died. I thought about trying to write a sketch in honor of his greatness, but I'm not worthy. I wanted to give him a sendoff fit for a king, but I'm just a lowly piss boy.

So instead, watch and mourn (and by "mourn", I mean "laugh your ass off") here.

Now that I've properly bummed y'all out, here's this week's effort


Rachael Ray, Terrorist!
(We're in the middle of a park on a beautiful May day in our nation's capital, cherry blossoms in full color, wispy white clouds gently tracing paths across the rich, azure sky. Front and center is Rachael Ray, played by a fat man in a wig. She holds a small Dunkin' Donuts. She wears a keffiyeh.)

RACHAEL
Hi! I'm Rachael Ray! When I'm on the road, I can't always whip up a batch of baba ghanoush and big bowl of tabbouleh. So when I'm craving that taste of home, I stop in at Dunkin' Donuts for their all new Falafel Munchkins!

(Opening the box, Rachael plucks out a little ball of fried garbanzo goodness. Between her sausage-like fingers, the falafel ball seems particularly delicate.)

RACHAEL
He's so cute! Look at that.

(She pops it in her mouth and her eyes roll back in her head like a fat man, wearing a wig, possessed by a demon of the sort that likes its garbanzo flour deep-fried.)

RACHAEL
Delish! You can really taste the EVOO they fried it in, too.

(She quickly finishes off four more falafel. She reaches down and picks up a cup of Dunkin' Donuts Iced Coffee.)

RACHAEL
Nothing better to wash down your awesome Dunkin' Donuts Falafel Munchkins than fresh-brewed Dunkin' Donuts Iced Coffee!

(Like a Shop-Vac, she sucks it up the straw and down her mighty gullet.)

RACHAEL
Dunkin' Donuts. It's not just donuts anymore!

CUT TO: News Studio
(Michelle Malkin - played by an Asian man because it is so hard to find an actual Filipino Tranny willing to make fun of one of his/her own - sits next to FOX News anchor Megyn Kelly. Behind them a monitor shows the frozen and deeply disturbing image of Rachael.)

MEGYN
Michelle, tell the viewers at home what bothers you about this ad.

MICHELLE
You're kidding me, right Barbie?

MEGYN
It's Megyn.

MICHELLE
Whatever. Look. That fat cow is wearing a keffiyeh. Anyone who wears a keffiyeh is a terrorist. Anyone who defends anyone who wears a keffiyeh is a terrorist. Yassir Arafat used to wear a keffiyeh and he was a terrorist. Don't you get it?

MEGYN
I'm trying to follow you...

MICHELLE
I'll speak slower.

MEGYN
That would probably help. Thanks.

MICHELLE
Yassir Arafat wore a keffiyeh. Rachael Ray is wearing a keffiyeh. Clearly she's just like him.

MEGYN
Didn't Yassir Arafat also wear shoes?

MICHELLE
What's your point, Barbie?

MEGYN
Megyn.

MICHELLE
Whatever.

MEGYN
You're wearing shoes. Does that make you a terrorist, too?

(Michelle sticks her fingers in her ears and hums and goes LALALALA very loudly.)

MICHELLE
(Sing-song) I can't hear you.

MEGYN
Michelle. Michelle!

(Michelle takes her fingers out of her ears.)

MICHELLE
I hope I've made my point.

MEGYN
Clearly.

I have a statement from Dunkin' Donuts here I'd like to read. It says, "It's a goddamn black and white silk paisley scarf you ignorant slut. And we didn't pick it. But we're going to pull the ads anyway because we're owned by the Carlyle Group and are a bunch of pussies afraid of a loud-mouthed Filipino Tranny."

What do you have to say to that?

MICHELLE
Dunkin' Donuts can lick my balls. At least for the next three months until I see the special doctor.

No one, but no one who wears a keffiyeh should be allowed to live. They should be marched off to concentration camps. And the parents who let their children wear that evil symbol of jihad are worse. That's the most un-American thing a parent can do, is let their children wear a keffiyeh.

(The monitor behind Michelle changes to show a photo of Meghan and Cindy McCain. Meghan proudly sports a keffiyeh. Not a black and white silk paisley scarf that a fashion-less Filipino Tranny might confuse, but a traditional keffiyeh.)

MEGYN
Michelle? Any comments on the photo on the monitor?

MICHELLE
Yeah. Barack Hussein Obama went to a Madrassa and Hilary Clinton is almost as much of a man as I still am.

MEGYN
Thanks, Michelle. We'll be right back.

BLACKOUT

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Cap'n Schwartz says: LOL... "It's a goddamn black and white silk paisley scarf you ignorant slut. And we didn't pick it. But we're going to pull the ads anyway because we're owned by the Carlyle Group and are a bunch of pussies afraid of a loud-mouthed Filipino Tranny."

Classic =) much needed Friday smile, well done

2old4this said...

Good Job Again!

Y'know, I really do feel sorry for companies like DD when they get hit with this kind of crap. Call them cowards, but are a business, not a political organization, and all they want is to make a buck. They are kinda stuck kissing ass.

As a conservative, I find this whole thing very embarrassing, though funny in a tragic sort of way.

R.A. Porter said...

I wouldn't get embarrassed over this.

Over on my side, we know Malkin is a batshit crazy member of the lunatic fringe. We only pay attention to her insofar as her rantings are occasionally good for a laugh.