21 August 2006

Sports Girl's Bad Beat

My absolute favoritest thing in the whole wide world is hearing about people's bad beats in poker. I mean, having never suffered one myself, hearing about other people's misfortunes really plucks my heartstrings. Thankfully, my favoritest writer in the whole world, Bill Simmons, wrote about his bad beat at the WSOP. And boy was it a bad beat!!! I mean, he called a preflop raise with K10 suited (a monster hand, 'cause it's suited, you know) and got beat by a measly big slick!

Even two weeks later, I remember every nuance -- what everyone was wearing, all their faces, how my chips were stacked, everything. I chugged along for two hours, winning one big hand and battling a steady stream of lousy cards. Meanwhile, a wild Internet qualifier was calling everybody, trash-talking, even showing his bluffs after he won. He reminded me of a football QB who keeps throwing deep; eventually, you switch to zone and start to pick off his passes. Basically, he was Jeff George.

And I wanted to pick him off. Holding K-10 suited, I called his $550 bet along with two others. The flop? K-10-6. First guy called. Jeff came barreling in for another $1,200. Third guy folded. And I knew four things: First, I had the best hand (nobody had trips, I could tell from the body language). Second, I needed to steal that $3,400 in the middle. Third, having played one big hand in two hours, everyone would know I meant business with an all-in wager. And fourth, with 20 grand in chips, Jeff George might be dumb enough to call me. Which he was. And you know what this nitwit had?

A-K. With the odds now significantly in my favor (84.3 percent), I was two favorable cards from taking control of the table. Even in that brief instant -- couldn't have been more than eight to 10 seconds -- I was dreaming about lasting the day, building a nest egg, getting lucky a few more times, maybe even making it through the week …

Then, BOOM! It was over. The dealer turned over consecutive queens, improbably giving us both K-Q pairs, but with an ace kicker against me.

If only the "nitwit" were as skilled as Billy-boy at ready body language, maybe he'd have folded. Then again, what with Billy's table image - established firmly after two whole hours at the table, everyone should have just folded to his raise. But that's okay...with his massive skillz, he'll make it up next time.


Anonymous said...

My absolute favoritest thing is someone complaining about bad beat stories by re-telling someone else's bad beat story, then topping off the post with some 2nd grade gender-based name-calling.

Nice job, Shaq (who never lost to queens).

R.A. Porter said...

Pfft. You know I'm just complaining about that whiny little bitch. It really doesn't matter what topic he picks; whatever he writes is whiny and petulant. But seriously, his attempts to paint himself as a skilled poker player are pathetic.

EarlsDonuts said...

Let me just give you a few writing Tips I learned in rehab, when I was Strung Out on Pills and Coke*:

1. Only My Experiences are valid, whether they Actually Happened or not.

2. Since only My experiences are Valid, I am the Keeper of the Canon and Sole Arbiter of Acceptable Writing Topics.

3. All other Contemporary writers are to be Derided unmercilessly for their Phoniness.

4. Phoniness is Defined as Anyone Not Having My Experiences, which can only Happen to Me, whether or not they Actually Happened.

*Flintstones, chewables; Caffeine-free, 2-liter/day